Hi Daffy, yes, it can feel like a full time job there’s so much. I’ve also got inquests and Greek investigations to sort…I’ve returned to work on a phased return this week. Just the afternoons but my brain is mashed and I’m not sure I’m going to cope with full time teaching. I had only just started at a new school too…I’m not enjoying the fact that I’ve nothing familiar left. So I’m taking deep breaths and plunging on x
I have started a journal where I write to my husband almost daily. He died in September. Today I felt compelled to start writing things I would never want to forget about him. They just poured out of me. Along with the tears. I absolutely hate my life now.
What a beautiful description. Not thought of it like that before. Thank you. The last paragraph got me emotional…
Shaun x
Morning,
Started the day in a totally rubbish way. Decided to go out for a walk for some exercise and fresh air as I think that would be good for me. I got the exercise alright but it came with emotional baggage and deep thoughts and I ended up in tears most of way round and now I feel thoroughly miserable. It would seem the very thing that should be good for me is actually giving me pain as I walk alone thinking how I’d like to be accompanied by the person I miss, just like I used to be. At least it didn’t rain on me.
Sorry to get you all down this morning.
I know mum would not want me to suffer but the bond is strong with the one I cannot see or speak to. I am so desperate for this pain to ease, even for one day but I feel it’ll go on forever. I can see what you are saying Lyn but I’m struggling to continue my journey at the moment, I’m trying really hard but a lot of the time I’m just frustrated. I guess I’m not having a good day is what I’m saying! Hope you all are managing to get through today as best you can.
Shaun x
Morning shaun
Sorry you arent having a good morning. I have had some very bad days this last week.
I think it’s important to remember that grief goes up and down for a very long time. If you have a couple of good days which are followed by an awful one it feels even worse. A good day falsely leads us to think we are getting on with this and the worst is behind us so when we have a bad day, our world comes crashing down again.
Today I have come to work and I’ve come to realise that this is the best place for me. I am at least distracted for several hours. Yesterday I was off work and so so down all day.
Mums birthday is on sunday and I know your mums is soon after. What with this and the festive period coming its no wonder we are feeling so low.
I fully expect to be feeling like this for a long time to come and have stopped asking myself why. I’m just taking each day as it comes. I hope you feel a bit brighter as the day goes on.
Cheryl x
I know Shaun. I know. I’ve had a bearable couple of days. Today is shaping up to be not so bearable. I hate work. It makes me feel worse and I’m working today. Cheryl hope you are ok.
I hate that I’m avoiding Xmas. I used to love it so much. Will I ever love it the same way again probably not. I hate this. I hate. I let me mum down and I’m letting my kids now too
Sorry thought I would join your misery. They say it loves company.
joules- you just put a rare smile on my face.
I love a bit of humour and I wish it could be in my life more often. My mum and I were so sarcastic and silly. We loved people watching.
On a serious note, I feel that I’m letting down my daughter as well by being so miserable and bringing her nan into the conversation every opportunity I get. Perhaps I am just scared she is going to be forgotten about if I don’t.
I honestly don’t see how life will ever be the same again and I guess you all think the same. I will eventually laugh again but I cant imagine life ever being good again. I cant imagine ever saying to anyone I’m ok, thanks when they ask me how I am.
I still cant process that mum has even gone, I cant imagine her being dead and its very hard to even say those words.
Joules- are you feeling a bit better because of the counselling do you think?
Thank you all for your kind replies today. Jooles you made me smile too with your last comment. Looks like a lot of us in the land of misery then. What a club!
I hope you are getting something from your counselling. I had thought about it myself and then I feel better and then the next day comes and then I think maybe I need it. Argh. Can’t decide because of this stupid roller coaster ride.
i can’t get myself fully into work. What is wrong with me? Where is my motivation? If someone finds it can they let me know.
The only way I know that I’ll be ok in the future and be able to laugh and enjoy enjoying myself - if you know what I mean - is by seeing people around me who have been through this themselves years previously and I can see they are happy and they tell me they are happy. They still miss their loved ones but they are embracing life as I would like to do so it must be possible.
I was saying a lot in the beginning how I ‘lost’ my mum or that she had ‘passed away’ and I actively avoided the d word because it sounded it horrible, it still does really. Now I have used the d word more these recent days and it has got a little easier but I still don’t like it. It’s amazing how powerful one word can be and how it can sound so final. Anyone else have trouble describing their loved ones with certain words?
I have decided that I shall get flowers (scented narcissi) for my mum’s birthday just like I always do and display them for her. I really don’t know what else I should be doing to ‘celebrate’ the day. Sheesh, even that word sounds horrible now.
Shaun x
Shaun,
I think you have to do what’s right for you- if you always bought your mum those flowers and it would bring you comfort to buy some this year then do that. For me, I cant do that as I would just wish mum was around to see them. I recall Daffy bought her mum a present and took it to her room. Again I cant do that as I would find it too upsetting.
I think for me, and it sounds pretty awful, it will be best that I try and forget what the day is and spend a nice Sunday with my daughter, doing her homework, going to the pub for a roast dinner and catching up on some tv.
If I ponder on it being mums birthday I fear I wont get through the day.
I have used the word ‘lost’ frequently but I don’t mind saying ‘dead’ as its a fact. Its not ice but neither is what happened nice. I don’t like the words ‘pass away’ or ‘fallen asleep’. I think they are fitting for a 90 year old who goes in their sleep but, a bit like daffy, my mum had so much more to give and should be doing that now. (still very bitter as you can see)
I think back to how my mum was when her mum, my nan died in 1997. She was 91 years old and wasn’t enjoying life. She was forced into a care home for her own safety and only lasted a week. Although sad, it was also a relief. I don’t feel like that about my 74 year old mum who came to see Olly Murs at the 02 with my daughter and I just 3 weeks before she died. She had so many more years to live and I feel robbed. I am sure you, Joules, Daffy, Tasha and the other people I chat to on here feel exactly the same.
Cheryl X
Today, I went around the shop for the first time for a few weeks. The song “All I want for you” nearly brought me to tears. I turned around and was directly opposite Christmas cards. Decided to turn away because the last thing i needed to look at were Christmas cards for my mother. Now, tonight I ended up in tears because I know it illogical to buy a Christmas card for a deceased mother, but I really want to.
So the next time I’m around the shops i think I will purchase one. It’s so sad. I’m not in denial, I think I just have things I need to tell my Mum.
C1971, A few weeks back, I did pretend to give two presents to my Mum in her sitting room, which i’d already purchased prior to her passing. Again, I’m surprised I’m acting this way, but it seems that communicating my feelings to my Mum is still important.
I’m still in shock and it’s raw. It’s going to take time. I wasn’t like this when my Dad passed, but of course I still had my Mum.
I think there is an awful lot to emotionally process.
Cheryl and Shaun glad I helped with a small smile. I cried on the way home from work. “Bring him home” from Les Mis came on. Such a heart wrenching song. I had to pull over. I’ve taken to only listening to classical as my mum never listened to it. So no memories tied up in it. Can’t listen to the radio as too upbeat. And Xmas music starting.
I’m now having a glass of wine and a “I can’t believe she has gone moment. I was told that you should say “my mum is dead”. In order to come to terms with it. Not to say “passed” or “fell asleep”
I do feel there is worst to come in terms of feelings as I have nowhere near accepted it.
Well here we are, the end of the day and the end of the week. I started on a low and I’m ending on a low today. And yes the added treat of ‘I can’t believe she has gone’ has offered itself up to me again this evening.
We regards to me getting flowers for my mum, I know I should do what’s right for me but the trouble is, I don’t know what’s right for me. I don’t know how I’m going to feel yet, I’ll let you know after.
I have a busy weekend coming up. Going to my daughter’s school tomorrow as my wife is helping out at their Xmas fair. Then off to the shops for lunch and to do some Xmas shopping, mainly finding out what our daughter wants also getting some bits for her cousins. Then in the evening, going out for a nice meal with 4 members of my family. Same place as last Saturday. Daughter is very exited about a sleepover tomorrow night with her cousins while the adults are out drinking wine.
The excitement continues on Sunday as we have booked to see Frozen 2 film. That’s for my daughter and cousins again! Followed by a meal somewhere in the afternoon.
I’m REALLY not sure about all of this, especially the Xmas shops that I’ve been avoiding for so long. I can’t be misery guts though. The realisation that Xmas is coming is really hitting now and I’m not sure I’m ready. I’ve so far avoided listening to music on the radio etc. The one place I’m dreading going to at the moment is the card shop. I know I’ll end up looking at/passing by the mum card section. That’s going to really hurt. Daffy, I don’t know how I would find the strength to actually buy a card for my mum. I reckon I would fall apart in the shop! The thought of not actually buying her a card this year really kills me. She kept all the cards I used to give her and put dates on the back. I was really sad to find them all in her loft recently.
I hope you all have a pleasant weekend and can manage some positive time.
Shaun x
Hi joules
I don’t think there is any coming to terms with this no matter what name we give it. Its 7am on saturday morning and I’m wide awake. It’s my 24th Saturday without my mum and I cannot accept she has gone.
I cannot believe she has gone.
I can tell what sort of day this is going to end up being…
Shaun,
All of my mums birthday and xmas cards from 2018 are still in her bedside drawer. I very nearly threw them away but couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I look back and I think the main problem I have is the speed of how everything happened. Here with me for 48 years then just gone in the blink of an eye.no preparations,no inkling that it was going to happen, nothing. How could we have imagined that xmas 2018 would be her last one, easter 2019 her last easter. Since she died she has missed my sisters birthday, 2 of her grandchildrens birthday and of course tomorrow is her own birthday. It’s all just so surreal that we all talk about our mums in the past tense when they were very much alive just a matter of months ago
I doubt I will ever come to terms with this. Shaun, daffy ,joules have a good day. I think I will take my daughter to see frozen 2 tomorrow
I had a quick google last night regarding buying a gift or a card for deceased loved ones. I thought I was being a bit weird. It seems that by buying a card or gift could be a way of keeping a strong connection. Mum and I definitely, didn’t have the best week of our lives in the run up to her sudden death. I think my giving is a way of saying ‘I love you’ to her. I certainly don’t envisage buying stuff for years!
On my Mum’s birthday i stayed in doors on my own, Nothing made me happy. I just walked from room to room and could not settle. (I live in Mum’s house.) In the end, I made a donation to Mum’s favorite charity, which brought some slight satisfaction. Perhaps, it would have been a better day if I’d had company or gone out.
Getting out and doing something with your daughter on your Mum’s birthday is probably a very sensible thing to do. With hindsight I probably should have gone out.
I too can’t get my head around the sudden here one minute gone the next. I believed I’d been nursing my Mum into old age. She had no inkling either. as she was half the way through a book which she was thoroughly enjoying.
I’ve never known a sadness like it. It can’t be good for our health.
I know daffy. It sounds morbid but I dont think I have a long life ahead of me. The grief of losing mum added to various stresses over the years with work, being a single parent, loss of my dad etc have all taken its toll x
I said the same thing this morning to my partner. Decades of stress.
Fifteen years ago i went to my doctor with chest pains, severe fatigue and palpitations. His warning was “what hurts, is likely to go first”. I too am not trying to be morbid. Life could have been kinder.
I want to focus, if I can now upon the quality of life. No point in chasing anything else.