Broken hearted. How are you?

It’s 7 weeks today since I lost my Mum suddenly. I’m broken hearted. I’ve zero motivation and the shock has been so bad I don’t feel like I should be pushing myself at all. Tears come to the surface out of no-where. I’m hiding from people. A few people have managed to catch me for a chat - they seem to expect me to talk about it like I’ve been used to it for months.
I dread the question ‘How are you?’ Destroyed, seems the true answer, but i say ok-ish. Or up and down.
I’m living in a twilight zone, where all I want is my Mum back. It really does feel like a different zone. My existence seems to have lost a lot of it’s meaning. There are distant friends I haven’t even told yet, because it just means another opening of wounds and making polite small talk. i don’t want to engage with the world, escaping or hibernating from it all seems a better idea. If i have to talk about it - it makes it all too real. Too raw. It’s raw enough, as it is.

Bless you. There’s no blueprint is there? I’ve got through the seven weeks since my husband died by talking about it as openly as possible. One of the best things I did in the first week was to tell our dive club ‘I’m not dead’ don’t you dare avoid me. And when people ask me how I am I reply honestly… Shit. Fucking shit… And that clears the air and opens people up. And my god I could not have survived without their visits, care and support. And here I still am. Changed, broken, but still me.

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Hi daffy,
I’m completely the same. I cry whenever I see someone for the first time since mum died. I am angry and bitter with the world.
I miss mum so much and I still cant believe it. X

Daffy, sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. You just reminded me of that question I dread to hear especially from people I haven’t seen for a while, often in the street. ‘How are you?’ argh. What do I say? Do I want to really tell you? Are you really that interested? I often just say, taking it day by day, or , still breathing, or just , alright. I do find myself sometimes avoiding passing someone I know because I just want to walk to the local shop without talking about something I’m not in the mood for. The worst happened recently when I went into my local chippie for the first time since my previous life. They asked after my mum while I was surrounded by customers. Damn.
I did find a few good friends, who have been through some things in the past was a good way to get things off my chest. They cared, didn’t avoid me or the subject and I really appreciated that. They are still available if I want to talk to so I’m going to organise a walk to get me out of the house and then I can talk as much or as little as I want with them about my feelings etc. No pressure.

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Daffy it’s awful isn’t it. Life has turned upside down. I haven’t got any energy today so I’m going to lay on the sofa. I’ve had a very busy emotional 5 days. I went back to visit my dad and stayed in their house. It really brought it home to me that she is gone. Sitting in their sofa without her beside us. No one pottering around making tea and sandwiches. No candles lit or the smell of her perfume. I’ve rung a private counsellor for a session on Thursday because I feel just utterly utterly devasted and broken. I work with children with behaviour problems. But I told the agency not to give me that for a little while I just wanted basic classroom duties. On Monday they sent me to a school to work with a boy they did not tell me he was violent. He punched me in the face. Spat at me kicked me. I came home and cried. Normally I would have rung my mum and told her.

Sorry rambled on there. I hope today is a bit better for you. Do you find you have days where it’s “ok”. But then the following day whacks you in the face. It’s like walking through thick fog. I have never wanted to turn back time so much. The despair and hoplessness is overwhelming

Joules/daffy/shaun,

It’s very hard for us all at the moment. I wonder if xmas wasnt around the corner if we would be feeling a little better. Yesterday I popped to town to get a few xmas presents for my daughter. It’s so sad without mum by my side. I walk round town like a lost soul, shooting in and out of shops as quickly as possible to avoid hearing the songs.
This sunday is mums 75th birthday and I cant believe she wont be here. I will dig the decorations out of the garage this weekend and begin the sad task of trying to make the house look festive. It will break my heart and if i didnt have a child i wouldn’t bother this year.
I dont know what to say to make us feel better. I know I’m just walking round thinking about mum, getting flashbacks or memories of her, then astounding myself that she has been gone 5 months.
I am like daffy, so disinterested in everyone and anything, and the worst thing is that this is the last thing my mum would want for me.
I suggest we just continue to take each day as it comes and ride the waves, hoping for some chinks of light along the way.
Try and have an ok day everyone x

Thank you Cheryl you too. I’m going to do some online Xmas shopping. Light the fire and watch a film. I’m going to try and not cry today as it’s playing havoc with my sinuses :grimacing: and I can’t breathe properly. I have no interest in anything. And I would skip Xmas too if it weren’t for the kids.

I think what I forget joules is that mum doesn’t exist anymore. She doesnt have feelings, doesn’t feel pain and isnt suffering. I think shaun described it in one of his posts. He is having feelings on behalf of his mum. And I think that’s what we are doing. My mum hasnt had feelings since 14th June and yet every day for me is agony. Its us that are suffering so badly and we need to give ourselves permission to stop. Enjoy your film joules and have a large glass of wine while you do so. We have to try and give ourselves a break. We cant bring our mums back but we have children and partners to love and cherish and I know I’ve not been great with mine at all x

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Yes that what I’m doing. Feeling sad on behalf of my mum. Must be basic human behaviour and it’s empathy. I had to take a step back and look at myself to see that it is totally illogical to think that she is feeling sad or upset about anything. Despite all this, I still do it.
We should not feel bad about enjoying something, be that watching a good film, going out for a nice walk taking in the scenery or going out to a restaurant or cinema. We are good people after all and our loved ones always wanted us to be happy surely? That’s the thought I’m trying to hold onto right now.
Xmas hasn’t bothered me too much at the moment, simply because I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t watch the Xmas ads on the TV if I can help it and I don’t talk about it much. I know it’s creeping up though and I’ll have to engage at some point with all the decs and tree etc. I’m normally quite organised by now but this year that’s all out of the window. My daughter will have a nice time though, I’m sure of it.
A first anniversary is coming up for me this Friday. We have Groovy Grandparents day at school and my mum usually attends and spends time with my daughter in her classroom doing fun things. This year there is nobody to go and I’m so sad about it. Luckily her best friend’s grandma is very happy for her to join them so that’s something. Still tough though as I know how much my mum loved doing it and have lovely memories of last year. Sigh.
Hope you manage to enjoy that film Joules. I watched the second Mamma Mia film with my wife a while ago and the ending was very hard to listen to and watch - almost a mistake!

Shaun,

I know it’s so hard. I’ve got my daughters autumn concert at school tonight. Mum always used to come with me and we would secretly giggle at the violin playing and hope we weren’t sitting near to the parents of the child in question. It will just be me now.
My mum used to walk my daughter to the bus stop every morning. I miss her texts saying she is on the bus.
Death is such a strange thing. It’s hard to accept our mums are no longer living and breathing

I’ve had two decent days and that’s because the previous ones had been so awful I knew I couldn’t do that to my health. I could be determined to just live and get on with it, but I’ve got to grieve too. It seems that most of my thoughts are triggered by memories of my Mum. Your right it does feel like a life turned upside down. I’ve got a large A4 picture of my Mum in her sitting room - it replaces my physical mother who used to sit in there. No wonder I’m in shock.

It’s good that we all get it off our chests. I have a desperate need to turn back time. I said some dreadful things, but my dear Mum also said a few too. The second one starts to dwell it becomes truly horrendous.

C1971, I think you’ve got a point. Giving ourselves permission to stop, even for a while. Allowing ourselves to actually enjoy something. The problem is it feels almost like a betrayal.

Today has been an ok day I’ve not cried today yet. But this week has been horrendous so I think I’m a bit dried up. Dreading tomorrow as it will probably be a bad day now that today has been an ok day

Daffy if I remember correctly you were your mums Carer and you lived together? Then there were bound to be hurtful words and actions. You can’t be with someone 24/7 and be a 100% perfect. Crikey stuff I say to my husband sometimes and what he says to me. I know it will come back to haunt me one day. But it’s always our loved ones we take it out on. As long as love is the foundation.

Daffy,

My mum and I had awful rows and my mum was capable of saying hurtful things. We certainly didn’t have a perfect relationship but we were capable if laughing ten minutes later over something. We didnt stay angry at each other for long.
Like you said earlier the problem we have now is that we cant go back and do it all over again.
I’m not sure how you have a big photo of your mum on display. I only have one small photo on display in her living room and that’s painful to look at

I cared for my Mum, as a child but she also cared for me. I also from the age of 30 cared for my Mum for over 23 years. A very long time. Of course, such a long time would lead to issues, arguments and resentment. I know my Mum would tell me now if she could “that it didn’t matter”. “Not take take on so” and that “all that mattered is the love”.
I just wish I could have held onto my temper more often! i loved her dearly, but life is stressful and of course we can all loose it.

C1971, The large photo is an awful trigger for emotions. I suppose I’m scared of not grieving properly, because it’s all so painful. I’m worried that i’m going to throw a switch and try and turn it off.
When my Dad died i stopped crying and that caused a few problems. i felt physically wrong.
I’m going to leave the large photo there for a while, but if it starts to make me ill I’ll remove it.
I suppose I don’t really know what I’m doing. I can’t focus or think straight.

Diverliz, Thank you for replying. I was lying in bed last night and I began to wonder if I should perhaps tell distant friends. Just to get another weight of my shoulders. There seems to be so much we need to do in the early weeks of grief. No wonder we end up exhausted and depressed.

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