I lost my mum yesterday morning. She had been suffering with arthritis for a long time and was bedbound. I know she hated the life she had ended up with.
She was really poorly last week and I had to force her to call the doctor, she hated anything medical and believed if she ended up in hospital she would never come out but didn’t look after her health properly. The doctor diagnosed her with c.diff and prescribed antibiotics. She called me on Saturday, happy, spoke about Christmas presents for people and promised me she felt better.
On Sunday morning when I went to visit I had to call an ambulance as soon as I walked in, she was clearly extremely poorly and was diagnosed with hypokalemia and rushed to hospital on sirens.
The hospital said she was better after potassium and told us to go home, we could not see her due to the current situation.
On Monday the hospital called and said she was eating and drinking, we dropped some stuff down but still could not see her. Tuesday morning she died, her heart failed while they were running tests and she had a DNR that none of us knew about.
I’m broken, broken that I couldn’t see her, broken that she didn’t want to be saved, broken that my last image of her was struggling to breathe and still trying to get the words out to us that she was alright and not to call an ambulance, broken that I let her die alone in hospital, broken that she didn’t get herself checked by a doctor sooner and broken that I will never see her again.
I can’t sleep and can barely function, I miss her so much.
I had to check something on her phone earlier and saw her Amazon basket of all the presents so was so excited to be getting people and it has crushed me all over again.
Please someone tell me the hurting becomes more bearable