Broken

I lost my mum yesterday morning. She had been suffering with arthritis for a long time and was bedbound. I know she hated the life she had ended up with.
She was really poorly last week and I had to force her to call the doctor, she hated anything medical and believed if she ended up in hospital she would never come out but didn’t look after her health properly. The doctor diagnosed her with c.diff and prescribed antibiotics. She called me on Saturday, happy, spoke about Christmas presents for people and promised me she felt better.
On Sunday morning when I went to visit I had to call an ambulance as soon as I walked in, she was clearly extremely poorly and was diagnosed with hypokalemia and rushed to hospital on sirens.
The hospital said she was better after potassium and told us to go home, we could not see her due to the current situation.
On Monday the hospital called and said she was eating and drinking, we dropped some stuff down but still could not see her. Tuesday morning she died, her heart failed while they were running tests and she had a DNR that none of us knew about.

I’m broken, broken that I couldn’t see her, broken that she didn’t want to be saved, broken that my last image of her was struggling to breathe and still trying to get the words out to us that she was alright and not to call an ambulance, broken that I let her die alone in hospital, broken that she didn’t get herself checked by a doctor sooner and broken that I will never see her again.
I can’t sleep and can barely function, I miss her so much.
I had to check something on her phone earlier and saw her Amazon basket of all the presents so was so excited to be getting people and it has crushed me all over again.
Please someone tell me the hurting becomes more bearable

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So sorry for your loss. My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly 3 weeks ago today. The first few days were a blur of shock. I didn’t eat much for a week, but slowly my appetite came back. Sleeping was really bad to begin with, but slowly it’s a little better, some nights are better than others. All I can say is take one day at a time and take help and comfort from anyone that offers it.
This quote I saw somewhere helped me…
*“To me ‘grabbing hold of life’ is the act of getting up every day and doing something . . . anything. So many people can’t fathom that they will move forward in grief, but somehow they do. In my mind that is life pulling you forward – you get up in the morning and somehow you do it, one day at a time. One day you look around and realize that life has pulled you further than you ever thought you would be.”
I understand your pain with everything involving Christmas too. It’s so painful I can’t really even think about that yet. We had a week of parcels arriving that my mum had ordered from Amazon the night before she died. It killed us opening them knowing how excited she was.
It’s a safe space here and just talking to people who are at the same stages of grief or years down the line helps a lot.

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I am so sorry this happened to you Sharj. My heart goes out to you and I’m so angry you didn’t get to visit your mum or be with her. However, none of it is your fault. None of it.

I know the pain you’re feeling can’t be lifted by ANYTHING at the moment. The best you can do is to talk through your feelings with someone, even if it’s sat on the edge of your bed looking out the window at the sky and talk it through with your mum (I do this). A few friends said they do that too.

There will always be guilt and anger but try to understand it’s part of the grieving process. It’s very early days now and the feelings will change.

I lost my mum in January and my Dad 6 weeks ago. I can’t offer you any extra thoughts as the grief I’ve had for my Dad is totally different to the grief after losing Mam.

Talking about my grief with friends and my partner helps a lot but crying does too. It’s a good release.

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Thankyou for your words, I’ve cried a lot. We called the hospital today about her death certificate only to find out she has had to go to the coroner because they don’t know exactly why she died. She would of hated a post mortem to be carried out. I ordered some of the gifts she planned to buy people today and will try and carry out her plans as best I can.
It’s all like a horrible dream, I’m expecting a phone call asking me to go and water her orchids and I know it will never come. I desperately checked my voicemail for any old messages just to hear her voice again but I didn’t have any

Oh bloody hell, I wouldn’t want my parents to have a post mortem either :pensive:

I was gutted as I had a load of voicemail messages off Dad but only one was left when I checked. We don’t think that they’ll be cherished at the time do we.

I don’t know what else to say to you apart from keep talking to people. Although at times you may feel they don’t want to hear it but they will listen.

Come on here too xxx

Hi sharj
Can I just say that both my parents had post mortems and as horrible as they are, they do provide answers which help in the long term.
My dad had one in 1998 which showed a massive heart attack that he would not have been aware of. This was very reassuring
Last year my mum had a massive brain hemorrhage out of the blue. Initially there was no need for a PM but the coroner changed their mind and I’m glad they did.
My mum did have a massive bleed on the brain but the PM also revealed advanced heart failure and blocked arteries of which we knew nothing
It really helped us to accept and come to terms with why my mum had to die.
Just to add another perspective of course

Cheryl x

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