I lost my 16 year old daughter to cancer very recently and although i’m surrounded by family and friends i’m struggling. I have no motivation for life i feel like i’m just breathing. (I’m not suicidal i just feel broken.) I cant talk to anyone face to face, (Thats me not them). I just feel like they don’t understand.
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Dear fellow griever
Losing a child is devastating and often all encompassing. I am so sorry that your daughter has passed away and at such a young age.
Have you considered counselling ? It may help to talk to someone who is not so close so that you can be totally honest.
I am just having a “moment” contemplating bringing in another year without Elliott my son who passed away in 2020.
It never leaves us. The pain and the longing to hug them and to hear their voice and see them smile and laugh.
It is a painful journey that we are on and I think we all grieve differently. When you say you are struggling. In what way ? Sometimes even getting out of bed is an effort. Please be kind to yourself xxx
Sending warm thoughts your way Lynne
Please message back if you want to ill check in on messages later xx
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Hi @StuartRuck
I am so sorry for you, your family and your daughter.
I lost my daughter 17 weeks ago today.
I lost her to cancer too, she was 21.
It’s hard. Nothing can make it better. Everyone grieves in their own way and you will find your way.
I’ve shut down, I see three people regularly and one occasionally. That’s it, that’s all I can manage, maybe one day this will change but for now it’s my safe zone.
Most people view grief as the loss of a loved one, it’s sad but life moves on. When you lose a child your life is destroyed. Nothing is as it was, or will ever be again.
I tried counselling but it wasn’t a good experience for me, the counsellor didn’t have the knowledge, experience or empathy to deal with the loss of a child. If you choose this route I hope you find what you need.
I turn to here for understanding and support. Sometimes just putting how you feel into words can help and knowing there are others who do understand what you’re going through and have experienced the same loss and pain. It doesn’t make it go away but it’s comforting to know others are walking the same lonely path.
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Hi MoBe, I’ve gone completely backwards today. The crying, panic, feeling sick, when will it end. I’ve realised it because a new year looms and next year I will never of seen my son….if you know what I mean. The flashback to that Friday is vivid again today.
I’m glad you are able to see a few people and really hope it helps you.
Sending you big hugs xx
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I hope you’re finding a way to get through New Year.
I’m ok because I’m not thinking of it as moving forward, I watch murder TV shows about parents who have lost their kids, they all say the same. They are stuck in the past… and I’m happy with that. I’m happy to think I’m stuck here with her, I don’t want to move on and I don’t have to. Yes I’ll get older but that’s getting closer to dying and seeing her again. I know my mood will change and all those horrible painful emotions will return in a day or so but right now I am at peace.
One breath at a time xx
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MoBe it was nice to read in your post you felt at peace, which is good and you have to do exactly what feels right for you, as we all know there isn’t a set path to follow.
After how I was yesterday morning, I’m feeling ok today, back to exercising and tomorrow I will go swimming.
It’s awful how up and down this grief makes us, I wasn’t like this when I lost my parents , they were elderly and that’s what you expect. I still do my daily journal and find that really helps, anything I feel gets written and what I’ve been doing. Take care and keep posting xx
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@MoBe I can admit to feeling the same as you. I don’t want to move on, I’m happy stuck in the past. Also I don’t worry about my illnesses now, it just means I’m closer to being with Thomas. I wouldn’t end things myself, I wouldn’t put my two other sons through that but I don’t worry about staying alive anymore. I’m so glad I’ve got that out, I’ve not been able to say it to anyone in case I upset them. I know my husband would be upset as he’s not the father of my boys and doesn’t understand.
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Lcc59 yes that is the good thing about this site, you can say things you really feel that you have to keep to yourself on the outside world . It’s a pity people are afraid to say how it really is , are we afraid of being seen as week or something. It’s only on here you find out that so many others feel exactly the same. If everyone was more open people would realise there is so much more to grief, on the inside there is constant turmoil of emotions. Maybe we would be more prepared or just realise we are not going mad and it is normal, maybe be would navigate it better then. Hiding it, pushing it down , I don’t think it helps, it’s got to all come out , to be faced 1 step at a time and hopefully find some sort of acceptance as best we can. Oh it’s such a painful traumatic journey with constant ups and downs. No one can really understand if it does not happen to them .
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I think it helps us and others to admit how we really feel. If I’m totally honest I have just gone through the worst weeks of my life since my daughter died. Christmas Day was nothing short of hell. It was like I had just lost her again. And right now I can only exist going into the New Year thinking it’s just another day, I didn’t have her yesterday, I won’t have her tomorrow, so what has changed?
I’m worried I will lose everything about her, every connection because I still can’t look at her. I still can’t hear her voice or listen to her sing. To even think of doing those things is still too painful, too raw.
I am trapped in this tiny space. A world I have built free from her memories and the pain they bring. A world so small only my shadow can live there.
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MoBe my son was musical too, and only now after 3 years am I attempting to listen to his recordings .I have so many of them but have only managed to watch a few and have to work myself up to it. Sometimes I can only manage a minute then turn it off in floods of tears. I am so glad I have them tho as I have this irrational fear I might forget something about him, they will always be there and hopefully in time I can watch them with some sort of peace. We are lucky to have those visual memories of their special talent .
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I am so grateful I have so much footage of her and I hope in time I will be able to watch her or listen to her again. She wrote so many songs and I know each and everyone of them, I was there when she either wrote or recorded them. I was always the first person she played them to. But it’s also a dagger to my heart that I have lost that special bond too.
Three years scares me. But thank you so much because knowing you are three years in and still in that space normalises my grief. I often feel alone in the vastness of my grief xx
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Yes we feel alone, because how can anyone bare this hell and survive? I did not used to feel I was in a small place like you do, to me I was in a completely different world where nothing made sense . I was frantically rushing around trying to find some normality, something familiar ,some point of reference so I could start to make sense of things. A chair was no longer a chair , a table wasn’t a table , nothing was in the right place or worked in the right way, like how could I rebuild it when nothing would fit any more.there was only constant panic. It’s hard to explain it’s just our brain trying to deal with it I think. I just come on here when I feel alone because who else can we talk to that gets it? No we are not alone on here.
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I think because my world felt so big, so full of promise before she became ill so now it’s all empty and diminished.
I get the panic, heart pounding and the constant need to run, escape. And yes there is nothing that makes any sense anymore. I am the total opposite of who I was. That makes me sad because I know it would make her sad but I cannot be anything other than broken.
This is my only comfort, this space where I can be honest and fully open. Not having to pretend, I’m sad you’re here too, but grateful.
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Mine been thinking of you and how you are feeling. Just go with what you think is right for you. I made myself get out of my comfort zone today and walked to our post office, something I haven’t done since I lost my son. My heart was pounding doing it but I did it. To others that is just normal life, to us it isn’t. I’m actually wondering if I’m overthinking things, what if someone says something to me, am I going to loose my temper etc. I would normally drive 12 miles to avoid the local post office. Take care xx
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I’ve just lost my 18 year old daughter. It’s a complicated situation but I was already in a very dark place before this happened after losing my cousin, my mum, splitting from my partner and receiving a lot of abuse and threats from my ex wife. My daughter had moved in with her dad a year old, doing the typical teenage thing. My ex husband didn’t even speak to me about it, simply told her she could move in and then refused to communicate with me about her or the situation. She had type 1 diabetes, something I supported her to manage for 13 years. When she moved into her dads he didn’t even register her a hospital for a year, despite my attempts to contact him and her and explain how dangerous that was. A few months ago she told me she had had sepsis and he didn’t even accompany her to the doctors. Her cause of death is still unknown. My ex husband and his family aren’t speaking to me as I wanted her funeral in her hometown. They have all refused to attend and my ex husband won’t even let me have any of her belongings. All of which I bought her. Most days I am just so withdrawn that I can’t even look at people nor can they me. A few months ago everyone kept telling me I was getting so much better but now my daughter has passed they no longer say that. They understand now that I will never fully recover from this. I’ve had so much to deal with for one person. No parents, grandparents, partner, siblings and now I’ve lost my daughter and my son is in a bad place, he doesn’t answer his phone. I feel so much anger that some people have been so unkind to me. Most days I can’t see who I’m being strong for as nearly all my family are gone. So I can completely relate to how you are feeling.
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My heart goes out to you but I think even those who are surrounded by friends and family still grieve alone.
My daughter meant the world to me, there is no one else who walks this earth that I can love as much as I love her. No one, no thing will ever bring the joy that she did. I have nothing left to live for but here I am.
Alone. I have my elder daughter and she grieves but she lost a sister, I lost a child and to lose a child is to lose yourself.
None of us will ever be who we were, our children have died but we are the ghosts.
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