Broken

Losing a partner
1

Feeling so broken.
Steve and I were teenage sweetheart, loved each other but at that age you don’t know it’s love .we were together on and off from 14 to 17 . My home life was rubbish so when a friend said there was a job in Cornwall I went for it .zoom on to 40 years later . I had been married for 27yrs that wasn’t going well at the time . I also had got back in touch with my childhood best friend Joanne only to find out she had terminal cancer. I would help Jo even though I lived miles away , I loved my friend but unfortunately she died ,
At Jo funeral I look across at this guy walking towards me , it was Steve my heart was pounding. I went to the wake he didn’t come .within minutes I had a facebook request and him saying he had been looking for me for years . Cutting the story short we ended up together. Don’t think any of us had ever been so happy we were soulmates . We planned ours life together, the things we wanted to do . We saw the chapel we wanted to buy and renovate.
He owned a place in Bulgaria so first we were off to spend 3 months there . I loved it , he was happy . 15th August the darkest day of my life . We got up to watch the sunrise had a coffee and went back to bed chatting away about putting up a pool we had bought the day before . I got up to go to the bathroom and just saw him go stiff his eyes roll back and start to breathe strange . I panicked started doing cpr . Ran outside to see if anyone was around and saw a neighbour who spoke no English but understood I needed help . I went back to cpr , they called an ambulance. 40 mins later it turned up . I was still doing cpr but knew he had gone .i was inconsolable. I sent my friend a message and she came with her partner and set in motion the collection of his body .
It was 43 degrees he died at 07:45 they turned up at 14:00 in the afternoon .i am so disturbed by the next bit they put him on a tarpaulin and drag his naked body outside and put it in a coffin on the patio . I grab some clothes for him while falling apart . I had good friends around me who were good but couldn’t be with me 24/7 . I informed his family thinking they would come straight out but I was left to organise everything. They phoned said they were here to support me but did nothing .
I went to see Steve in a refrigerated container he was in with 3 other people. I was they 2 weeks alone crying day and night . His family turned up for one hour to see the house ( no one had ever been )
Even though I was there I felt they didn’t care . I asked to go with them so I could fly back with them I felt I couldn’t do it alone without being a bubbling mess. Oh sorry no room for you in the car . Off they went leaving me alone again . I stayed till Steve’s body was flown home then my daughter came for me . I was told I couldn’t go back to our house but argued the point that it was in the will I could live there after his death . His family have been awful but always say we are here to support you . I’ve never felt so alone in my life . I’ve had to fight all the way about everything from flowers at the funeral. Not being included in the funeral car even though his brothers girlfriend was . I drove myself with my 2 friends and my sister . I’m now waiting on some of the ashes that they promised I could have we will see .
I miss him every moment of my life , I feel he’s with me sometimes and is upset by his family but nothing he can do . I’m having therapy for trauma and ptsd at the moment .
Love you then , love you now , love you always my soulmate

1 Like
2

Hello Pixie66

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about Steve. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Rhi

3

I’m so sorry to read everything you’ve been through.
I know I can’t do much to help, just know that you can come here anytime to offload… there’s always someone around…
Hugs x