Buried grief

Hi. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience or can help. I lost my Dad to suicide many years ago then lost my nephew to the same 6 years ago and also have lost my brother and step-son in last couple of years to early deaths (in their late twenties and late thirties). I am realising now that I have locked my grief in a box and buried it and have become the family organiser and ‘rock’ as a means of avoiding the pain. I am unable to speak about them without breaking down - so I don’t speak about them, funerals send me into a complete meltdown and I’m regularly on a hair trigger with so much rage inside me I hate myself. I know I need some help but I don’t know where to start looking. Sorry if this isn’t appropriate I just don’t know where to turn.

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Hi. I’m really sorry you’ve had such a tough time.
You have to learn to let go. If it means breaking down and letting it all out, then do it. You’re stopping yourself from being you, the grief will destroy you. Please don’t let it do that.

Think of yourself. Your health is just as important as everyone else’s.

Don’t hate yourself. Grief does awful things to us. Talk about the ones that you’ve lost. They would not want you to be feeling the way you are. Please keep coming on here and talking to people. It helps

Thank you for your kind words they really do mean a lot. I feel that Im now realising that I need to deal with my grief. I am scared as I’m worried I might lose myself in it but I know I have to get rid of this anger inside me. I have started to say out loud some memories of my lost loved ones to try and start opening up - it’s like reliving it all over again.

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Good for you. I know some people find it hard to talk about loved ones that have passed. But, once you start talking about them, you actually start to laugh, because you’re remembering the good times.

The anger takes time, but use that anger as a tool to get through the tough times. This is your grief. It’s your emotions. Stay strong, you’ll get through this, just remember you’ll have good and bad times.