Burnt out!

I coped with my husband who had frontal temporal dementia for 8 years. A rare form hardly spoken about. It affects the front lobe meaning he was doing and saying inappropriate things and getting in trouble with the public resulting in police arrests and Court cases. It was a horrendous time. I had to lock ourselves in as he was upsetting the neighbours. Finally we had carers in to take him out and keeping an eye on him or sitting indoors with him whilst i could go out. 3 years ago i couldnt stand it any longer and he moved to care home. Last October he died and to start with it was sheer relief that the nightmare was over. However 3 months ago, I think the 8 yrs of coping and being on that hamster wheel finally hit me. I feel completely wiped out. Find it hard to get enjoyment out of much now. Not much appetite. Hard to get motivated. Im in Majorca at the moment with family and just dont want to be here. Im having counselling, joining groups, reading all the books but nothing seems to stick. Everyone says ‘small steps each day’ but its so hard. I miss his company, my 2nd husband, who was my soulmate. Never thought it would be like this.

11 Likes

It’s hard to know what to say but just wanted you to be know you’ve been heard. It sounds in like the initial relief has turned into grief. Grieving for him and all that could have been without the illness that took him from you. The loss of the future is as big as the loss of them and then when you try to create a new path, the guilt shuts it down.

Grief can make you feel that every turn is thawted and then now and again a little gap appears and you can get through.

The shock we all feel is down to the fact that none of us thought it would happen to us.

1 Like

Sending you hugs.feel the same way after loosing my gorgeous fantastic beautiful wife sue who passed away on the 1st of this month. Feeling lost and alone

3 Likes

HI Sf14, welcome to the forum and sad to say that, but it’s a good place, all here to connect with people in the same situation. It sounds as if you’ve had a really rough time of it over the last few years, it must have been so difficult to watch your husband deteriorate to someone I’d imagine you found hard to recognise. I was the carer for my wife long term, not for what she died from, cancer, that was brutally quick, but she also suffered periods of psychosis throughout her life and was sectioned quite a few times. It’s really despairing to experience the love of your life not recognise you, talk in circles, act in inappropriate ways, damage themselves. To see them taken away. To have to make the decision that you can no longer keep them safe. She struggled with it but always managed, somehow, to find her way back so I can only say my heart goes out to you, that you knew all along that would never happen.

I can understand that his passing would have initially brought relief, witnessing that amount of suffering in your partner, you’re just glad that it has ended for them. I have felt this myself after my wife died, her last few days were quite horrific, the cancer it appears had reached her brain, and she knew it. She was so terrified, moving in and out of comprehension, when she passed I was glad that it had stopped. I knew it wasn’t going to get better. That was last november, I felt as if I was doing ok, I had developed coping strategies over the years and used them liberally. I got to around 5 months and it all just came flooding through me once more. I reckon it was the shock wearing off. I thought I was ready, I knew I was experiencing anticipatory grief last year and I thought that experience would help, but it just didn’t. It’s taken a while and I feel as if I’ve had to start again but bit by bit I’ve processed it and built my self back. Being on this site has really helped, there’s so many experiences and so much connection, I’ve come to accept and understand things a bit better. I know I’ll never be the same again, but I think thats part of it, getting through.

4 Likes

Aw chin up @Martyn2 i hope u feel better later on ? Can you make something nice for your tea or go for a walk ! I was feeling rubbish this morning ! I woke up and looked at his side of bed and i thought - i cant believe hes not here ! After all those years of lying next to me ! So cruel all this is !!! Even after 7 months it all feels so unreal :frowning: Xxx

4 Likes

Two and a half years ago I lost my hubby (of nearly 50 years) suddenly - I wish it was as easy as making something nice for tea or going for a walk to make me feel better.
Things have become more manageable as I adjust to living alongside the grief. Tears are never far away tho.
“If they are in your head & heart then they are never far away.” :two_hearts:

G. X

3 Likes

@Grandma, I’m sorry you lost your husband two and half years ago, but pleased that things are becoming more manageable. It’s given me some hope as I lost my dear husband seven months ago and I seem to be struggling again more this week. He is always in my heart and head. I miss him so much and hate living by myself.
xx

3 Likes

Deb5 my daughter is doing a lasagne for tea. Plus taking Teddy n George out afterwards but not too far as its 20 degrees here x

2 Likes

Yes i know its not that simple cos i lost my husband too … just trying to cheer martyn up… especially the fresh air does really help when youre down …

3 Likes

Deb5 Teddy n George loved the walk and are lazing on the sofa lol.did me good to get out for 30 minutes

3 Likes

It’s okay. I’m here to tell you…he has been like like a powerful charger in your life. Even when he was in a home, his power energy was there for you. But now he’s gone , its gone😢.
It’s 11 months for me and getting harder.
Just remember 1 day, 1 day at a time… Xx

1 Like

Yes thats very true. I just woke up thinking the same thing ! My husband gave me strength to face the world ! Its so very hard without them … im nearly 8 months in and its so hard … i miss him nearly every morning … but im meeting my daughter tonight so hope that helps me x

2 Likes

Agree with you one hundred percent. I felt so safe with him, he was always there for me and gave me confidence, without him I wouldn’t have done half the things I did. He was my world and now life is rubbish. Started crying again!

4 Likes

Same with me … jeez its tough innit … a song i been thinking about a lot recently … "lost without your love " by bread … anybody remember it ? I think it describes a lot of how we all feel on here … xxx

2 Likes

Coincidently, I heard it last week, how apt for us all on here. I am having difficulty listening to music, so many memories.
I hope you have a nice evening with your daughter. x

3 Likes

Thank you @Rome18 … at least irs not raining today !!! Yeh i always loved that song but has special meaning now somehow … you take care too xxx

1 Like

Hi deb5 was going to take Teddy n George out for a walk today but its 23 degrees here and not going to take them out in the heat.also a very old school friend came to see me yesterday. He is going through the same thing as all of us. Did us both good to reminisce x

2 Likes

I think that wiped put feeling is natural after all the trauma. 21 yrs ago my husband had a lung transplant due to a rare genetic disease. After he had no immunity at all. Living with the fear of him catching anything even a common cold. Last year he got acute pancreatitis and steadily went down hill. Then the worst he got pneumonia. In hospital he caught covid and sepsis and eventually died. I coped with everything but now gone down like a lead balloon. I heard someone say nobody cares for the carer which maybe is true.

4 Likes