Can I cope

I lost my husband in july and his ashes are still with the funeral directors, I wanted him home here before Christmas, So after two weeks of trying to pluck up courage I phoned them yesterday, spoke to a lovely lady explained how I’d like him home for Xmas so she asked when I would like to collect him, told her I didn’t drive so she said they would bring him home for me, I do have three grown up children and two sisters who would take me but I think this is something I need to do on my own, so I chose Thursday morning when I knew they would all be at work , hope I’m doing the right thing and that I can cope when I see the box , I will tell them all once he’s here ,
I’ve put it off this long as it seems so final and I’m not ready to let him go yet


Linda, I have my husband’s ashes here at home. I chose a lovely pewter urn to hold his earthly body. it has been engraved and is in what I consider to be pride of place.

whatever you decide to do will be the right course for you to take. it is almost 18 months since my husband Alan passed away. I know his spirit is always close by and having his ashes here also is comforting for me.
I feel sure you will feel a sense if comfort and you will know what is the right thing for you.

hope today will be an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow an improvement on today.

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Thanks Jen for your reply, I really couldn’t think what I wanted to do with my husband ashes at the time of his funeral and now it’s four months I felt it’s time to make my mind up, after coming on here and reading how some of you have brought your loved ones ashes home which I hadn’t even thought of doing has helped me make my mind up, I just can’t go through another service for an internment and there’s not a cemetery in walking distance for me anyway, so having him here I can think where I can lay him to rest after Christmas, I thought of a purpose built ornament for the garden maybe, got to get through Christmas first,
Take care sending hugs to those that need one

Linda xx

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Hi Linda
My mum passed away very suddenly in june and I left her ashes st the general directors until mid august because I couldn’t face collecting them and bringing them home. When I did collect them I placed them in her wardrobe but it just didn’t feel right and I just couldn’t feel that my lovely mum was in that box. In october I scattered them in the garden if remembrance close to her parents graves. I cried my eyes put when I got home and realised that the ashes had gone but now I am so pleased that they are laid to rest with her family where she grew up. I also scattered my dads ashes at the same time as mum hadnt known what to do with them for 20 years. I have told my partner and daughter to scatter me in the same place if I die as well. It’s just another example of things we dont talk about but really should when a person is alive. We thought mum would go on for 10 or 15 more years and then she was suddenly gone with so many questions unanswered.
I’m sure you will work out what to do in the new year once you have got through Thursday.
Cheryl x

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Funeral directors.
Typing is no easier on the new site!

Thanks Cheryl your words do help so much, maybe if I keep his ashes the kids can scatter us together when I go, sounds like a lovely thought to me one that I can focus on tomorrow when they bring him home,
Take care xx linda x

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Hi Linda

I felt the same and eventually went to collect my husbands ashes on my own. I have him in the most beautiful box - tucked away in my bedside drawer - along with his jumper, a lock of his hair. Oddly I have no wish to scatter his ashes - as far as I am concerned he is still by my side which is where he always has been. I did think of having a diamond ring made- so he is with me always but I am still not sure about that. Whether I will ever feel different I don’t know - but he is staying put for now and I feel it oddly comforting, You will know eventually what you want to do - there is no rush.
Trisha xx

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It certainly makes sense of why mum kept dads ashes for so long. There was no deliberate intention to do so but dad had died suddenly aged 53 and they had never discussed death or funerals. Each year we would bring up the subject but we always decided to defer to the next year.
When mum died suddenly it made sense to scatter them together and it was so lovely for my sister and I to do. Really the last physical thing we would ever do for them both.
Take care.
Cheryl x

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I’ve had my Dad’s ashes at home for nearly 20 years. They are tucked away in the bedroom. I know they are there, but don’t see them all the time. They give me comfort knowing they are with me. My Mum passed away 6 weeks ago and her ashes will be joining his which will be hard but I suspect I’ll get a comfort from it in the end. I want both with me. I won’t be scattering them.

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Morning daffy,
You have to do what’s right for you. In my case I knew that mum wanted to be scattered near her parents and scattering them both there made sense. I also am much more aware of my own mortality since mum died and did not want my daughter to be left with my parents ashes and then my own.
If you seek comfort keeping them with you then that’s the right thing to do. When is your mums funeral? I thought it was yesterday? X

Linda, I also bought a red Floribunda rose named after Alan and planted it in a tall frost-proof planter, chose red because of his love of Manchester United. I have a couple different trees and bushes in our back garden planted in memory of loved ones and pets too. seems to help me feel closer to them even though I know they’re with me in spirit.
perhaps this is something you could consider after Christmas.
hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow an improvement on today

Jen ☆

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Hi Trisha. Yes think that’s what I would like to do keep him in my dressing table draw somewhere where I know where he is but and not on display to upset the kids, but will think more about it after Xmas,
Take care xx linda x

Jen. That sounds like a lovely idea I have white rose in garden out of my dads garden from when he died and a cliff Richard rose for my sister
Will have to look for a red rose as Roger loved Liverpool and one named Roger if I’m lucky thanks take care. Linda x

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Tim and I had discussed what to do with our ashes, and I will honour his wish to scatter them at St Abbs in Scotland we met and later married. But I am having some made into silver starfish pendants for myself and his daughter. Starfish can regenerate themselves after trauma so I thought it a good design. We will always have him with us, but they are not obviously ashes pendants. So nobody else needs to know.


That’s nice liz and its also great that you and Tim discussed this even though you were both so young.
One of the things i would like to see is British people talking about death more, making it natural rather than such a taboo subject. One of the hardest things about my mum dying is coping with my 12 year old who had only ever lost a hamster before my mum died. We talk so much about birth and nothing about death. I grew up very bitter that I wasnt allowed to attend my grandads funeral when I was 15. I guess my mum and dad were protecting me but all it did was make it worse when I experienced the next death in life. My sister is constantly telling me not to cry in front of my daughter because it will affect her. I think this is nonsense and that children shouldn’t be protected from grief. I’ve told my daughter that I want to be cremated if I should die and where I want my ashes scattered.

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You’re right, we discussed as we both do dangerous sports…the risk is always there. It’s hard enough to cope with grief and death and must be even harder if people don’t talk about it. My mum has told me what she want done with her ashes …hopefully won’t need to act on that for a long time x

Hi Linda.

I brought my wife’s ashes home in July,I sadly lost Christine in July,I have my wife’s ashes in a small casket,which are in our living room,I just Wanted her home with me,I find it comforting to me,she loved our home so much.
What ever you decide will be right for you.

Best wishes Mike X

Hi there. My family never talked about death and when one of the family passed away they was never mentioned again. As a child I knew my Nan had died but never heard anyone mention her, a lovely Aunt committed suicide and again she was never mentioned. My dad died in his forties but I never heard my mother mention his name again. Or my other Nan talk about my beloved Grandad. This never helped me, as all my life I thought this was how you coped with bereavement. I never helped anyone in their loss. It took my own loss of my husband to really understand what it does to you. I talk openly about Granddad Brian to my Grandkids and they talk about him as if he was still around. He is still a part of our life and I like it that way. The kids say they like to come and see me so that they can make me happy again.

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