My Dad died on the 4th of December. We had a complex relationship.
He was a wonderful Dad to my brother and I whilst we were growing up, but he became reliant on alcohol and was a functioning alcoholic.
He continued this way after my parents separated when I was 13 but it seemed to spiral but as he lived away it wasn’t noticed by us. I had my son young and he was so supportive, he used to take us all over and was an incredible grandpop.
He lost his driving licence after drink driving and it spiralled 5 years ago, just before his 50th birthday. I had him stay with me as he was so low, but he was secretly drinking and it was impacting my son and i. He moved 2 hours away to be with his partner and my son and I hardly saw him.
He nearly died about 4 years ago due to liver failure and I remember talking to a doctor about his palliative care, but he somehow came back from it. He continued to drink and was not quite right after this, his brain literally wasn’t functioning as it used to.
At the end of November he had a fall and was admitted to hospital. He became ill and died from kidney failure due to his liver about a week later. My brother and I visited, we told him we loved him and forgave him for all the difficult bits. We talked about our wonderful childhoods and thanked him. We were so lucky to get the chance to do this.
I just feel so angry and lost. I honestly feel like what is the point in life because we’re going to die and just be gone? I’ve been trying to find peace, looking at religions and spiritual things but it all feels like a lie right now, like nothing can comfort me. People say about doing things to remember him and I just think what’s the point? It hurts. He’s gone. I even wish I’d never had children because they are going to have to go through this when me and their dad die. I’m so scared about going through the rest of my life knowing I’ll never ever ever see or speak to my dad again. I wish things could have been different. I just feel in such utter turmoil and pain. I drive my car so I can scream and cry to get out some of the pain.
I don’t know how to accept this loss because it means just accepting that my dad is gone forever, and I can’t, because I don’t know what the point in his life ever was. Nothing is comforting for me. I’m in so much pain.
Hi @Jas2 sorry about the sad loss of your Dad. Everything you’re feeling is entirely understandable and normal after such a huge loss. It will take time for you to process the shock and accept what has happened. Expect to feel every emotion as you grieve, it’s all completely normal. Everyone grieves in their own way and there’s no timescale so don’t let anyone tell you when you should feel better or over it. Seek professional support if you’re really struggling but even reading advice and guidance online will help to normalise your experience. I have great empathy with your story as my Dad also struggled with alcohol and eventually died from liver failure. Be kind to yourself and give it time. This difficult time will shift and change at some point. Take care xx
hello jas, the point in your dads life was to find and experience what this world had to offer him, the good, the bad. everyone is born alone and die alone, what’s valuable in-between is trust and love. give yourself time and grace to find your footing in a new way. take care.
@Jas2 Your loss is still very raw and new. I don’t have any real words of wisdom or advice.
I’m a year into my grief (my dad passed 2/12/22 and my mum joined him 5 weeks later 8/1/23)
I had many similar thoughts to you, the most over whelming was the thought that my son would have to bear this same grief in years to come when me an/or his dad go. That thought nearly crucified me. If I dwell on it now, it still does.
I dont have any answers to managing it.
I just ride the storm that comes with the agony of grief x
Hi @Jas2 I sadly welcome you to this community and I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Dad.
It’s still so very early and raw for you but by being here hopefully it might help you to understand that what you are feeling is completely normal and that you’re not alone.
I can relate to you as my Dad was an alcoholic and died of a heart attack in the night just before the millennium. The bottom fell out of my world right there and then. I felt every word you wrote. I loved my Dad with all my heart and have thought of him every day in the 24 years since he passed. You won’t always feel like you do right now, I promise.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It helps so much when others take the time to do so. Did you find purpose in life since he died? Do you still miss him?
You’re so welcome.
I struggle to find purpose in life tbh and can only think it’s because I haven’t any children as I imagine they give you purpose. I did dwell on that for long time after my Mum passed away in 2021.
Yes I do miss him, with all my heart. There’s not a day I haven’t. Being older now I would love to understand what his demons were that he felt so badly about that he needed to numb the pain.