Can’t believe he’s really gone

Hi all. My sister and I lost our Dad on the second of June. He went to hospital with a lung infection then my sister phoned me at 9am the next day to tell me he’d died. I was his carer, and yes, he was I’ll, but he had been for 6 years. That’s why I was round the corner at my boyfriends house. I hate that I wasn’t there. That I didn’t do something sooner. My Gran died of pneumonia (same as Dad) I should have noticed! Now I still keep expecting him to message me about what’s on tv or how he’s feeling. Keep thinking he’s just in hospital again. My hearts breaking I don’t know what to do. Can’t help thinking how he must of felt before he died. I read in a book it’s like drowning, but in bed. That knocked me sick. The nurse said he was just tired and wanted to sleep and he’d phone us later but never got the chance. I pray to god it was like that. Anyway babble over. Thanks for listening x

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Dear Janie,
What do you think your dad would say to you if he read your post? My guess is that he would want you to stop feeling guilty or thinking that you should have done more. However much we want to, we cannot be with our loved ones every minute of every day and night, and you could not have known that he would die so suddenly. It sounds like even the hospital was not expecting this. Was the book you read a medical book or just a story? I used to be a nurse and have never seen a patient die as if they were drowning. My mum was always afraid of that, but a lung specialist reassured us that that could not happen. Both my parents died peacefully when they were sleeping, and your dad may well have died in his sleep without even being aware of it. It is hard to not keep thinking about those last few days, but try to think back of all the years before that, when you were there for him, not only as his daughter but also caring for him. There must have been a really strong bond between you and you must have many happy memories. Cherish them, The next few weeks and months will not be easy, but somehow you will find the strength you need. Sisters can be a great support, sometimes it is easier to share your feelings with them rather than with your partner, because you share the same grief. I hope that the responses you will get and the posts you read on this site will help you too. We are all here for each other.


I will use the words that I have received, stop beating yourself up. My wife of 44years had long term complications due to pneumonia, but died as a result of covid, my Helen daughter Claire each had reason to isolate from day 1, 2 weeks in Helen following a visit from a Gp, was sent into hospital for a routine but considered important scan, her symptoms being both cardiac and respiratory. Claire and I had called the Gp, whilst in on her 9th day developed Covid, she left us 24th January and long story short passed on the 19th June. Fortunately we managed to be with her.
I beat myself up for several reasons. But at Helens death there was nothing we could do she’s no longer in pain, (7 years on morphine and other drugs), Helen passed swift without pain and with peace on her mind.
And I know that she would have her thoughts on telling us what to do etc. This is not easy, as our relatives are in our hearts, spiritually not physically. The pain or emotional side effects are not always good, my best wishes and prayers are with you. (I am not religious but prayers have helped the inner self).
I remind myself, Helen was the best friend wife and lover, I had and I would not have been without.

Thank you, Jo. That is really comforting. The book was just a story, but it did really upset me. Maybe because I was trying to escape and got caught off guard. Again thank you for your kind words. So sorry that everyone on here is experiencing this pain. X

Colin, so sorry to read of your loss. Thank you for support, despite your own suffering. You sound like you and your wife were the lucky ones to have such a long and close relationship. Take care x

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