Yes some days are extremely hard even now after 10 years I would say it gets easier but that is not exactly true…….you find happiness in different ways but the loss never goes…….its always there hidden under the surface and it only takes a film you’ve seen a song you hear a holiday etc to bring your thoughts to your loved one! I still think of him almost every day and often wonder what he would think of my life now! Of course there are no answers. I have never remarried or had a romantic relationship since his death (of my choosing).
I have just retired and have learnt how to relax and enjoy my life now………but I preferred at the time of my loss to carry on working and to keep busy and have a routine and that really saved my sanity having somewhere to go and something else to concentrate on and then to be tired when returning home certainly helped my grief but I don’t think I was necessarily healing my grief just burying it by immersing myself in my job and family and of course lockdown has been tough on all of us being unable to get out of the house. However I can honestly say I am proud of myself because at the time I did not see a way forward or how I would cope without him by my side.
I never went onto bereavement counselling at the time and for some reason recently I felt a bit low and thought I would have a look at how other people have managed. It just made me want to say that there is a life to be had and we all deal with grief differently
Hi Sharon
I agree with everything you said. Every morning I wake up p crying and everything reminds of him and how wonderfully happy we were. Friends have stopped coming around. They have their lives and husbands to cuddle. I’m never going to get over this.
Jenxx
Sharonbr agree 100%
Hi Linyb, yes it was hard stuck in house, but eventually my daughter took me shopping , only to be told when we reached the supermarket, “ mum, you stay in car, still too dangerous for you in crowds “ well my mouth just dropped open, but she was right. Things have moved on since then, but miss my husband , he always packed the shopping, and I tend to panic keeping people waiting, I usually end up crying. Hope all you women are keeping your chin up, we will miss them always, bless you all.
I understand your sentiments. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago. I am now 29 weeks pregnant with our first and only child. I am beyond desperate to have my husband back. We were the happiest we had ever been and this new reality kills me with each poisonous breath. I am 38 years old and yesterday I spent what would have been James’ 40th birthday lying next to him at the cemetery. I pray to God that I die in child birth and that James comes to get me soon. I can’t hurt myself because I worry I won’t go to the same place as James unless he comes to take me with him. I have two counsellors and I think I’m getting worse and worse the more the shock wears off. I could live another 40 years and the thought of being unloved and alone for those years is beyond horrifying.
Belangalo, my heart aches for you, wish I could reach out and give you a hug, but you will be loved, by that baby, the very best parts of you both. I’m sure your husband would want you to care for yourself and your baby, you created him or her with love and a part of him will live on. Please take care of yourself and keep posting. I lost my husband 8 weeks ago, he was 48, I find that most days it’s my children that get me up and going, I see so much of my husband in them, and my son is the image of his dad, it is both heartbreaking and comforting but they are my reason 
Awe bless, you have my empathy. That is so sad, you will never forget your loving husband and the many memories you made, keep them close to your heart, and hopefully in time, your baby will help you to cope, I knit baby jackets, if you want me to knit you some, private message me, bless you . Helen Chalmers.x:two_hearts:
I know what you mean about wanting to be with your husband only too well. I have two children - young adults so a different situation to you but they are what keep me going. I know that my husband would want me to look after them so that is what I must do. You will have a part of your husband in your arms when you hold your baby. Keep going breath by breath until you can hold your baby. Your soulmate has left you with a precious gift. It will be hard but take any support that you can from anyone who offers. Keep posting here. Take care
Hi Jen
Your story is so heart breaking but please don’t think what if ! My story is very similar we both had covid I got better and started to get up out of bed he got worse and I didn’t see it cos I felt better I thought he was too. I told him to get in the bath to loosen his chest because his cough was bad and he overheated and collapsed and was rushed into hospital and never come out. I thought his breathing was fine I was sleeping next to him and it seemed the same as mine. I have beaten myself up with what ifs but after counselling I am coming to accept that I done what I thought was right what we were advised to do and I don’t think the ending would change if I did things differently he got to hospital and things went downhill there with all the expertise there how could we possibly know what to do. We did all we could and what we had been advised to do. Please don’t blame yourself he was the love of my life too and I know he will be saying that I done everything I could x
Hi Ang
Thank u for your message. I’m so sorry that you lost the love of your life too. It all started going down hill when my husband went into hospital. I also found out that there were mistakes on his medical records and a medication that he had been on for years wasn’t even on his records. This medication had a study done on it and data coming back showed that all patients who took part in this study who were on the same medication had a poor immune response to the vaccine. My husband should have been informed of this and should have been told to shield. I am in the process of writing a formal complaint to PALS. I know this won’t bring him back but it makes me so angry that my husband died due to incompetence. If we knew how vulnerable he was we would have shielded. We shielded for a year while I was having cancer treatment. His work let him work from home as I was vulnerable. They would have let him continue to work from home if we knew he was vulnerable. I cry every day and can barely function. I’m glad you got counselling and that helped you. Look after yourself. Xxx
Dear Jen, It sounds like you may be suffering from depression :my partner passed away after falling over and I keep torturing myself with the thought that I could have taken her for a brain scan and saved her, but I was barely functioning at the time from severe depression, so I didn’t think of it. Depression is normal after the trauma of losing our dearest thing, but if the feelings of not wanting to go on persist please please see a GP who can give you medication and counselling. I felt like that for a year so I know the feeling. You can also look up a guy called Douglas Bloch on you tube - he has survived 5 breakdowns and kept me going through the darkest times. We are not God…we can’t foresee everything that we should or could do. Give yourself a break. No way was this your fault. And please see your gp. You are not alone.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to some of the things you have said. My partner who was 45, fit and healthy woke up on a Sunday morning just over 7 weeks ago with a cough and some breathing problems. Rang 111 waited all day for a call back, nothing until we decided to drive the hospital. Saw a GP who said it was asthma, sent away with inhalers. He continued to get worse that night so phoned an ambulance. He had a nebuliser and steroid nebuliser at home and was told to call back or go to hospital if it got worse which it did and we done. My partner then sat in hospital on the Monday in the ED majors ward from 11am until 7:30pm without any real answers. He got told he was staying in so I took him some clothes etc and then when I got there he was still struggling to breathe even whilst having oxygen. They said they wanted to take him for a CT scan and it was when they bought him back from that that he went downhill quickly. They rushed him round to resus and he was then put in an induced coma. That was the Monday night. He died the following Sunday after spending the rest of that week in ICU on a ventilator. There was no cause of death so this has now been referred to the coroners. I feel so lost, angry, guilty, alone, everything.
Oh I really am sorry for your loss. You must be in so much shock. I understand you the anger you must feel towards the doctors and hospital. I definitely feel my husband was let down and sounds like your partner was let down as well. These doctors need to realise that the patient they are looking after is someone’s whole world. Losing the one you love at this age is so cruel. I understand every emotion you are feeling. I’ve never felt so alone. I cry all the time. If you ever want to chat I’m here.
Jen xx
I really do feel let down. So many unanswered questions. I’m still in shock and can’t believe he’s gone.
Thank you. I might take you up on the offer of a chat. I just don’t feel like anyone understands what I’m going through xx
Hi Jen
Hope you get some answers x I have no idea why Alec died he was fit and healthy as far as we knew . Him being in hospital was a trauma too absolute chaos. It has been 8 months now and I couldn’t cry cos I was so shocked still am but I do cry every day now but I also try to keep as busy as I can with friends to just put days behind me until I am stronger. I don’t know about you but I cant even think about him because it hurts to much . Just take each day as it comes dont look into the future as its too scary and as we know we don’t know whats ahead of us . Just concentrate on you look after yourself he would want that x sending you a big hug xxx
Bless you, we do things for best out come, I felt so guilty after my husband passed. He was a healthy fit 73 year old,( these are words of doctor treating him in local hospital), my husband went out for his usual Sunday run(feet), he ran 3/4 times a week, he did marathons, Sundays wa his long run(10-25 miles) he collapsed just 500 yards from home, a significant stroke, he died next morning. After explanations from doctors I agreed to a busy blasting medication , only thing , one in one hundred people have adverse reactions to it, to me it was only chance he had. My son was with me and he agreed to treatment as well, our daughter( who was resuscitation team leader at same hospital was on holiday, she managed home, she said I did right thing, the only thing to relieve situation, unfortunately my husband was, yes , one in one hundred, had adverse reaction, we were happily married for 54 yers. That was 21st September last year, and I will never forget, the guilt I felt, I now realise I did do the right thing. I miss him so much , we did everything together, and I just can’t accept him not being here. I talk to him all the time as if he was still here, that us my way of coping, but tears are never far away. Will love him always ,
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband collapsed and died whilst out jogging. He’d been in touch with the doctors about his breathing. They seemed to think it was linked to asthma, gave him some medication etc. He went for a run to try to clear his lungs a bit - it usually worked. He was only 50. It has taken months for the report to come through. They have put it down to SADs as they couldn’t detect anything. I understand the complete and utter shock. Ordinary life turns into a nightmare existence without any warning. My thoughts are with you.
From what I’ve seen, the ball doesn’t get smaller, your life (box) grows larger around it. Whichever way, the hurt remains.
I agree with you the hurt will always be there forever just hopefully this is true and the worst pain is less often than every minute of every day x