Can’t cope with dad’s sudden death

Losing a parent
#1

My dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago, aged 66. My parents divorced many years ago and me and my sister looked out for him as although he was independent he suffered with anxiety and had in the past suffered with schizophrenia. We laid him to rest last week.

The post mortem cited Bilateral Bronchal Pneumonia as the cause of death. He had always suffered with his chest and was very underweight, however we had no idea he had this and nor did he. He visited the doctor 4 days before and was advised his chest was clear. We spoke every night and the night before he died he told me he had been up to the town and was talking about his plans for the next day. I had no concerns.

However , I feel I could of prevented it. I feel so guilty and that I let him down. I hate myself. I am beside myself with grief and guilt. I feel so detached from everyone and everything. Even my husband and kids.

I find I am constantly googling the cause of his death to try to understand how this happened.

I’m worse now than I was two weeks ago.

#2

I am very sorry for your loss. My father also died from pneumonia very suddenly in his sleep in September. He had an underlying condition but was healthy otherwise and had no signs really of being unwell. I have spent many months googling his cause of death and trying to make sense of it. His was lobar pneumonia which I think took him quickly as he had low immunity. He was a GP and the one person who would have had interesting things to say about it. I have 2 young boys to look after but find it very tough. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. It’s natural to feel guilty. I too wondered why I hadn’t seen something, wished I had rung him. I think pneumonia is still one of those things than can be fatal very quickly but it’s tough to understand as most healthy people seem to have antibiotics and eventually get better. There is nothing you could have done differently but understand how you feel and how very painful it is. Thinking of you. x

#3

Thank you so much for your reply and I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s nice to hear from someone who has suffered similarly. I just can’t get my head around it. I keep thinking “surely he would have been really poorly leading up to it” but he wasn’t. I feel I should have known. He didn’t have an underlying condition as such but was very underweight and always suffered with his chest. I do wonder if he had undiagnosed COPD. It just doesn’t make sense. Nothing will ease my grief or loss but I can’t help but feel had it have been his heart I would have found it slightly easier to swallow.

I’m absolutely broken hearted.

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