It’s been over a year since I lost my mother and I feel so isolated and alone she was my only family and I saw her everyday as I was her caregiver
My life is so much different now as I had a routine every day which I enjoyed doing and now I don’t have anything to fill my days, just walk around aimlessly and go to libraries and parks which I don’t want to do!
I’ve tried getting back on track but it’s one day on another off, nothings the same anymore! I’ve lost my enthusiasm for life and I can’t socialise with anyone
I feel resentment hatred and anger towards the people who didn’t help us when we needed help
I passed her hairdressers the other day and saw her in there having her hair done! I used to wait for her on a Saturday morning and get her a cab back to my place as she didn’t like the sheltered housing she was in
It’s the first time I’ve passed there as I knew it would be very emotional for me! I dread every day and hate going back home on the evenings as I feel isolated
I don’t have a purpose in life anymore and sometimes wish it would all end so I don’t have to feel any emotions anymore! The hurtful thoughts are too much and living is just an existence now trying to pass time and the only thing that comforts me is to fall into a deep sleep and hopefully not wake up the next day
@Numbersix74 im so sorry that you are struggling so much with your loss and the loneliness, it must be incredibly difficult. Have you reached out to anyone? GP, counselling services? Friends? You are not alone, although i know it feels like it. Passing places that you used to go to with your mum is such a wretch isnt it, for me its the train station in my Dads town as he always used to pick me up/drop me off there.
Please reach out there are people out there to help you.
Sending love 
Thanks for your reply, yes I’ve seen my GP and I’ve been prescribed antidepressants but they don’t help me!, I’ve also had bereavement counselling last year and it was very difficult to talk about some things, it’s just that once the session ends you have to continue alone with the terrible pain, I’ve tried joining groups and people don’t really understand, they say oh, in time you’ll get back to normal and stuff like that, but until they have gone through it they don’t really know how much pain you have on a daily basis, it’s only people like you who know how difficult this is because it’s happened to you!, I’m sorry to hear about your dad
It’s the worse thing that can happen, and you know that one day it will, but you never want to accept that! You carry on day to day but sadly never say the things you want to say to the people you love, and then the day comes when you don’t have a chance to, thanks for your kind words and best regards to you…
Hi Numbersix74,
I lost my mum last year also and I am nowhere near the person I used to be Like you I was her caregiver and we were always together.I too feel lost with no purpose and find I am just surviving getting through each day.But and this is the big BUT my mum would want me to carry on and she would be cross with me for feeling like I do I am carrying on bec I have to.Your mum was probably very proud of you and grateful for everything you did so she wouldn’t be happy I guess to hear you are feeling like you do.Its just the grief we are going through and in time maybe years in time we will find it eases.
I can only speak from my own experience and that this site has thrown me a lifeline.I post ,share and rant when I need to and no one judges me.I have met friends who will be lifelong friends and a few weeks ago even met up with two if them for a whole day. We live in different parts of the UK and one lives abroad but we made it happen. How wonderful was that and all bec of this site So kep posting bec people truly understand and will reach out to you
Deborah x
Hi, thanks for your reply, yes it’s very true that my mother wouldn’t want me to be in the state I’m currently in, I’m sorry about the loss of your mum, it’s the worse thing that can happen especially when you’re going through a bad patch at the time!, if you’re a caregiver for a parent it’s always difficult especially if there’s no other family to help you with your role, and I always put my own personal problems aside and just got on with my daily routine! But it’s so much different now as I no longer have the same commitments I did
Plus it’s made it more clear that my mother was my only family which I probably took for granted and thought it was always going to be that way, because you don’t want to think the worse as I’m sure most people do, I was always optimistic that she would live a long and happy life, but once the worst happens it knocks you for six, maybe if I wasn’t so close to her things might be easier to accept, but it’s never easy and I’m learning that the hard way. I guess I’ve got to try and carry on with my life and try and make a life for myself but it’s never easy in the current circumstances that I’m going through! It’s good that you’ve met people who understand what you’re going through and how badly bereavement affects you! Thank you for your reply best regards Deborah Robert x
Yes it is extremely difficult. I lost my mum in May aged 90. I am her only daughter. Lived with her all my life until she went into care for a year as I couldn’t look after her. It breaks our hearts. We cared for them so much. I can’t give any good advice. I read a lot of books about grief. I pray now (I didn’t used to). I feel she gives me a few signs. I just hope she is around me and guiding me on. That’s all they would want for us… the best to continue our journey on Earth. I hope that when my times comes she will be waiting for me. It’s just so tough every day. My pain is a little more bearable. I live on my own. But I always try to remember that mum would want the best for me. xxx
Yes, it must be very difficult for you as it’s very early days but even tough it’s been over a year now, I lost my mum in march last year and it’s a case of at first the shock and disbelief of what’s happened kind of makes you feel it’s not really happened and I’ve been in a type of denial that it did, but has times gone on I’ve had to face the hard reality that the worse did happen
And everything filters through in your mind
I still visit my mum’s place and imagine that I’m taking her some shopping and stuff but once I get to the back entrance it dawns on me that it’s not possible and I feel extremely upset and helpless because the thing with bereavement is there’s no way around it, you have to go through all the hurt and emotions that you feel powerless to cope with, and most of the time especially last year I’ve gone down the wrong path and ended up doing stuff I wouldn’t normally do, and putting myself in dangerous situations maybe subconsciously hoping that something bad would happen, I’ve been lucky in a way because I only got cuts and bruises just superficial things but I sometimes feel that there was something protecting me from being more badly hurt
I’ve since tried to avoid getting into difficult situations like that and take more care, but some days I do loss it and think why should I bother anymore!
Yesterday was a difficult day for me because all the good I did myself I spoiled it by doing one silly thing
It’s kinda strange that since my loss I can’t make decisions for myself and it’s like I’m in two states of mind. One minute I’m happy and making plans then in an instant, it dawns on me what’s happened and I feel really guilty and selfish about doing something that might help me progress
It’s a constant struggle with my own mind, something I’ve never experienced before!
Anyway I hope you have a good evening and best wishes xx