Can’t cope

I was diagnosed stage 3 breast cancer 2013, few surgeries, chemo , radiotherapy and 10 years meds and I’m still here but after getting back to work my best friend , partner and soul mate became ill . After a big mix up and messing around with scans misread etc he was diagnose with pancreatic cancer !! Massive surgery , and chemo and then left to get on with it !! But it’s back and it’s constant scans , bloods and he’s now suffering with massive anxiety and depression , it’s breaking my heart he’s 56 , I can’t cope anymore ( I’m a nurse and know too much ) I can’t watch anymore of this , with lockdown as well I can’t leave him to go anywhere and a family member come in and stay with him for a few hours . His family life in Ireland so that’s a no go at the moment . My heart is breaking , I’m trying to be strong in front of him , I want to scream , I want to get of this rollercoaster forever but I can’t . I wish it was me not him , any positive advice , experience , something you smile about out there ???

Hi.
I went through similar and everyone is different. As soon as I knew his cancer was terminal I started filming him with my phone. Just short clips when he was laughing at a favourite programme or having a moment with one of our cats. Might seem daft but I wanted to bottle every moment left with him so that he would never really be gone as I can see and hear him still. Even while he was sleeping… I do find them a comfort. Sending much love to you… You will stay strong but when he is out of his pain, you should seek support. X

Thankyou x tbh when he goes I want to go too , I won’t have to stay strong then and I really can’t imagine life without him , right now I’ve had enough it’s been constant cancer since may 2013 I’ve never really moaned or asked why before now but seeing him like he is in the last 14 days I’ve had enough . I hate life right now but keeping going for him . You take care , you sound like you’ve got a plan and Thankyou for replying I can’t talk to anyone I love as they feel useless them and it hurts them too .

Hi Tydu
The only positive I have is to look into trials see if something new has come up to treat this bloody awfull illness. My husband passed from Pancreatic Cancer at age 53 last year. I will leave that there.
As a nurse you will know this is not always good but on another positive dont give up until all avenues have been exhausted if thats what your husband wants.
Covid is not making accessing stuff easy.
But do make some memories if you can. My husband was diagnosed just over a week befor so we did not get the oppotunity to do this.
I dont wish to be here much but do wish I had more than whats in my head

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Hi Tydu
Sorry to hear that your partner is in the terminal stage.
Difficult to say anything because you have the knowledge that many of us wished to have in the criticals moments. But maybe that is why is more difficult for you ttying to deal with the knowledge and feelings.
How fast the cancer will attack him,? how long would be with you? Are questions that we dread to know but on the other hand we wish to know, why??
Because he will be depressed but in the moments when he is calm and bright give him encourage every moment try to say something positive and maybe you would like to
tell him about you love for him. Tell him how much he mean for you, what moments you treasure were you and him were connected as one. Thanks him for everything he has done for you.
I am agree with Elle68 try to film him, record his voice, record everything you can take videos as much as you can. Write a letter for him a surprise card have a dinner. a toast for you both.
Put in order all his affairs if is possible talk about " when the time come " what he wants…?.
Keep in touch. Keep calm.
you are not alone we are with you xxx

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Hi Tydu
I’m sorry you and your partner are having such a terrible time.
All I wanted to add is that when my mum was dying, my dad played her lots of her favourite music and talked about the happy memories they had shared. He continued to do this even when she was unconscious and the last day, after having not responded for days, she had tears running down her cheeks
We are sure she could hear him and I’m sure he’s glad they had this final connection.
I hope you find the strength to get through this, and look after yourself too.

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Dear Tydu, I am so sorry you have to go through this. It’s really very painful. You are going through pre-grief emotions. It’s so awful. It is unbearable and you feel you can’t go like this for long. But you will carry on. You will be surprised how strong you are. You must be as you went through difficult illness yourself! The stress, isolation and seeing your love one deteriorating is heartbreaking. The waves of emotions are dreadful. I felt so powerless when my husband was diagnosed with MND. I searched internet, read various books, tried to find anything so Jeff lasts as long as possible. Maybe I am being optimistic, but you really never know. There may be a cure. Don’t give up your hope. But the most importantly, you must look after yourself. I know it’s easy said than done, but when I didn’t sleep for few days and were up with Jeff making him comfortable, I realised that my mental health is going down the hill. I cried, was mentally unstable. Had the same thoughts as you. You must be fit to be able look after your partner. Why don’t you go out when his family or friends are over. Have at least 30min on your own in the fresh air.
It is so difficult to care for someone you love sooo much. It is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Please take care of yourself! Petra x

Thankyou for your reply and I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering too . I would rather be the ill one than watch it , I can hardly stand the thought of every day seeing what’s behind his eyes , his thoughts !!! He dosent say much as he’s concerned about upsetting me , I’ve told him a thousand times that it’s ok to talk to me , it’s what partners do . Lockdown dosent help as we can’t go anywhere or have family over . His family live in Southern Ireland so that’s another no no at the moment . It helps sadly to know other people are in my boat ( so to speak and can offer advice ) but at the same time I wouldn’t wish this sadness on anyone . I hope you find your way , I e we indef often what the point of it all is . I woujsnt change a minute of being with him , I’ve never been as happy as I am with him but it’s bitter sweet , he’s the kindest , laid back , gorgeous guy and o want to scream why !!! There are all the criminals , murderers , drug dealers in prison , mostly healthy it’s bloody unfair . I wish everyone going through this all the love and support in the world it’s so tough x

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Hello Tydu, Jeff was exactly the same. He didn’t want me to be upset so he didn’t talk to much. He accepted as it was and that was it. He never ever made any complains. that was my Jeff. Proper gentleman. I miss his calm personality. I just miss everything. Lockdown doesn’t help at all, but even what I said about going for a walk, I actually never done it. I just wanted to be with him all the time as I knew I don’t have much time left. His kindness was unlimited. Like you, I wished it was me who had the illness. We even registered in Dignitas, Zurich and I checked if I can died with him as well. We wanted to die together. Unfortunately, I didn’t pass the test and I am in this mess on my own. I don’t have any friends, (sounds terrible), no children and I can’t tell family certain things. it is very difficult to look after terminal ill partner or family. it is just devastating. Please keep strong and ‘enjoy’ every minute with your partner. THESE are the most precious times. Even only if you just watch TV together, hold his hand and ask him if he likes a cup of tea. take care, Px

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Thankyou if you want to talk ever il listen x

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