@Ken1 I have also been listening to “Don’t Give Up” and actually posted it in the Songs thread within the last few months sometime. It is a beautiful song, what a lovely choice for the funeral…
Well done for going to the gigs alone… music is so powerful and for some of us (us both by the sound of it), it does something inside primal that we need and helps us connect to the rest of humanity… even when we are now so lonely… Thank you for posting
So true what you say about concerts. June loved going to see live music, luckily she had one last gig before she passed a month later. She got to see The Australian Pink Floyd who she loved, but when we got her bak to the hospital and the next few days she was shattered but she was just so happy. We had a couple of more gigs to go to but could see the strain on her was getting to much and she was getting weaker but she was so happy yo see her band for one last time. Ken
I’m loving the song thread!
I’ve made a playlist for my partner - it’s hard to listen to and always has me in tears - but sometimes that’s what I want. Gradually listening to more music and surprised about the things that I now want to hear. Take care.
Dear @Ken1
Your description almost mirrors us as a couple. We loved music so much, leaning towards rock & he never wanted to go to concerts. “I can listen to better on you tube”. Well, I would just go ahead & book the tickets & he would go with me grudgingly then talk about the experience years & years later. I was his bike-riding rock-chick too, no mean feat at 60 years old. We seen many bands in Glasgow, from old Apollo days to the big barn SECC. He was a great mentor in introducing me to some wonderful artists from Dixie Chicks to Tom Waits, Joni Mitchell to the Kinks. I find it hard to listen without crying now, the words take on a much much deeper meaning now. I have booked 2 tickets for Alanis Morissette in Glasgow (don’t know who my plus 1 will be) another concert I would have made him go to. And he would have moaned about going. And he would have loved it. I am 7 months on and hate my life without him. Days are long, nights are longer without my soulmate, my bff, my big bear.
Dear @Jaydel
My neice made a playlist we played at the humanist woodland burial, with the song Long Way Down by Hillbillly Moon Explosion playing as he was lowered into his final resting place.
Was a fav song of his, but more importantly, it would have made him laugh, his big loud infectious laugh. He would have said “yup, you did good”
How I miss that humour, what’s to even smile about now.
We shared the playlist of some of his fav songs with friends & family, but I can’t listen to it yet. Maybe one day.
Ah the Apollo, my 2nd home. Unfortunately June and I didn’t know each other back then, her first gig was Mike & the Mechanics in Edinburgh. It was kind of our 1st date, though we weren’t going out. Just good friends as they say. She had split from her 1st husband and we worked together and slowly got closer and closer. As I had said June was more varied in her music, though loved rock which I introduced her to. Thing I loved is if there was a band that I liked and she wasn’t too kean on she would say. Took her a very long time till she went with me to see Steve Hackett in Glasgow, she loved him doing the Genesis stuff and did begin to like his own stuff, though not all. I went with her to see Lional Ritchie, think it was SECC and although not totally my cup of tea, did appreciate the musicians he had. June couldn’t get anybody to and she wouldn’t have gone on her own, she really was enjoying going to concerts something she had never done till we hooked up together. I’d say we learnt different “styles” of music from each other. I know what you mean by hating life without him, it is a real tough road to travel and no 2 people travel the same road. I know friends try be helpful by saying it will get easier but unless they have lost somebody close ie husband/wife it is difficult for them to understand. Don’t know about you but I try not to speak about her to friends as it does make them a wee bit uncomfortable (not really the right word) as they aren’t too sure what to say. I don’t leave her conversations totally but don’t want people to be uncomfortable and eventualy avoid you totally. I’m like you at start days were long but going inside our house was very hard as it had become so quiet. Luckily I’ve got our dog to look after and he knew when I just needed a cuddle and usualy a long talk. It’s nearly 4 years and there are days when I’m in a dark place and miss her so much. Generally thats when the music gets turned up,the tears flow and that I find helps. As I said lyrics that used to mean something now take on a total new meaning, that tends to bring some comfort as we’re still tied together via the music. By the way 6o…just a youngster. I’m 63 and June was 66 we always thought we’d be going to gigs well into our 80’s + as long as we were able. Rock & Roll & Zimmer frames.
It probably will come back but it just needs to be the right time and that is different for everybody. When my wife died I found there were just so many questions kept asking myself. She died from cancer and I kept asking myself should I have spotted this or noticed that, it was eating away at me till eventualy realised she’d gone we both didn’t see it coming and I know she would be annoyed at me beating myself up about something I couldn’t help. I always kept my music playing and at start “forced” myself to go to concerts but took a long time to get back to reading but it has come back but took maybe 2/3 years after she passed. Tend to find once I’ve read a book I’ll “talk” to June about it kind of found that a way I deal with her death, we have wee chats every now and then.
Dear @Ken1
We were both incredibly lucky to have found our soulmate, our ideal partner, best friend and so much more. You sound like you not only loved each other, but liked each other & were kind to one another
My hubby said he stopped listening to genesis when Gabriel left (not a fan of Phil Collins, although I was). Voyage of the Acolyte was in our vinyl collection too.
Family, music, motorbikes , holidays & mx5s were our fun things to do together & we were so looking forward to the next stage of our lives, retirement together. He was just 8 weeks away from his 62nd birthday, he used to tease me I was his older woman, being 14 weeks older than him. I’ve had months of counselling but nothing works, I just lead a pointless life now. My counsellor has admitted she cannot help any further & wants to refer me on. That would tickle my husband - that I managed to “break” a professional therapist. He would say ‘only you my babes, only you’
It really helps me to read your posts here, about how you are doing in this strange existence. That is how I regard my life since my husband died.
Interesting to me what you say about counselling. I think it can be over rated for many of us, though I have only personally had a small sample. deep sighs now, I so want to “move on” or whatever words seem acceptable to each one of us, I want to stop hurting.
I want to stop crying. Friends keep suggesting I am at a point where counselling could help! nah! I am a Christian, and like to think that most of my life, Jesus has been my Counsellor. I just wish there was a magic pill. I won`t talk to doctors, they just want to give numbing medications.
But really, I guess I am just saying, in a long winded way, thank you for your sharing.
Still listen to Genesis (Gabriel era fav though.) Took June to her 1st overseas concert when we lived in Milton Keynes. Went to see him in Paris greatshow. Still go see Genesis tribute acts when i can. June was my older woman by 7 years though she never looked her age and she had a young mindset anyway. She I suppose is my counsellor as still talk to her if feeling low. People said to me about seeing somebody but it was that west coast of Scotland, no for me attitude. Think the time is right now and thats why ended on this forum as can get stuff out and try help those going through it as well. Always feel bit better after being on here, even when sometimes been in tears. Therapy? Helps me.
Well said, I came on here about a month ago and has helped. Although I lost my wife nearly 4 years ago there are still days where there is a big void. Usualy I come on here to see if there is anything I can say that might help somebody. 9 times out of 10 am in tears reading somebodies story, especialy if it is someone who has just lost a husband/wife. It takes you back to how you felt and sometimes there might be something that springs to mind that can help even if it is just a tiny,tiny percent. Thing is there is no rulebook to help, we all deal with the loss in diferent ways and with different time scales. At the start it really is just dealing with each day one by one. I find it’s always silly things like I’ll do something or see something and it’s “oh I’ll need to tell June” the reality kicks in. that can be a major downer. Do things get better? I’d say not better but you kind of adjust/adapt doesn’t mean I don’t think of her day in day out. Luckily I “talk” to her every now and then and that helps.
@Ken1
Looking through what’s on in Glasgow tonight & noticed Steve Hackett & Genesis revisited are on at concert Hall on Monday 27 Sept
Just in case you missed it
Sorry been off line for a bit, trying to sort the house out and trying to start to clear Junes old clothes. Done a bit rest will be later. Yes we’ve got tickets for the gig. Brother, step-son and myself all going. So looking forward to it. Been too long without gigs. June wasn’t into Steve Hackett for a long time, found him boring. I’ve been fan since his Genesis days, through thick and thin. When he started doing the Genesis stuff she came along and began to like him. Thanks for that anyway Maigret
Dear @Ken1
I ventured into the loft today to get some items I had promised my husbands family, so I understand how hard it would have been for you sorting through June’s belongings.
I just cannot believe how much stuff is in there & only a small amount is actually rubbish. I managed to get a very small amount for charity, dump & bin. It’s going to take me years to organise, it’s simply overwhelming even just thinking about 2 rooms, 2 attics & the garages, filled to bursting. So sad, I found a gift my dear hubby had bought for me, hidden away to give me at a later date, he was such a romantic.
Glad you got your tickets & you have your concert buddies but I know who you would rather be with. I really hope you enjoy the evening. Used to make me smile when looking around the room at concerts & seeing ‘old folks’ then realising we were the 'old folks '…
Ah well, another sleepless night for me, despite being up relatively early & a mile or so walk.
Maigret, that did make me chuckle about seeing the old folk then realising you are one of them. I try to explain that to my brother but he still thinks he’s younger than he is (67) doesn’t even hit home when he can’t stand for the whole concert. i’ve kind of giving the loft a miss just now as 1/ I’ve a damaged ankle so it’s bit “uncomfortable” getting into the loft . 2/ think there is a fair bit that really needs thrown excluding anything that has a history, so probably not too much would get thrown. Ha a bit of a wobble the other day. A friend down south had passed away and another friend emailed about it, then her brother phoned, he was going through her phonebook. I was out at hte time so left a message on my machine. My brotherasked for the number so he could phone him so played answer machine, should have been message 7 but it was 1 and that was a message June had made easily 4and a half years ago while she was in hospital. I’ve only played it once and that was on the day, I’ve never had the courage to listen to it so to hear her voice the other day was a big knock, though it was lovely to hear her voice again. I’ll need to play it and put on my phone and then store it somehow digitaly. Any time I’ve been clearing the machine I make sure I don’t play her message and most importantly I don’t delete it. I’ve not had the strength to listen to it but now I have, by accident, I’ll probably listen again. Now wish I’d gotten her to make wee messages on my phone, or recorded something on the laptop. Only got that idea from Ricky Grevais series After Life. His late wife records messages to him to watch once shes gone. Don’t know if you’ve seen it but he gets stuff so right, especialy as he’s not lost his partner. I watch it and always end in tears but I do feel better after words. Usualy have a “talk” with June about it. We never watched his stuff until we watched Derek ( still never seen the Office) . In After Life he just seems to get it spot on. Usualy while watching it , it’s yep felt that, yep, wen’t through that. Well think I’ll do bit more clearing as a charity bag has come in and needs to go out by Tuesday,I think.
Take care Ken
Dear @Ken1
Hearing June’s voice must have been a real hurt to your heart, especially since you hadn’t expected it. I do hope you can listen again soon. Bittersweet indeed.
Standing all night for concerts is a challenge, my last few were seated thankfully, so I get your brother’s issue & share his age denial. Sorry to hear about your ankle, hope you are still able to walk your pooch. Sorry also to hear about your friend, will you be travelling to the funeral?
I’m still finding videoclips I had forgotten about with my husband’s voice. The last one I watched/listened to was me telling him off for holding his phone outside the train window of the jacobite express going over the Glenfinnan viaduct, me saying if a tree whacks that phone…he laughed and said the trees would need to be over 300ft tall. Same trip I thought I seen a huge eagle, turned out to be a drone - he called me Magoo (some folk will get that ref) & said he would tell everyone I tried to feed a drone by throwing a fruit scone from the train.
Nothing makes me laugh now, takes me all my time to smile. How I miss his laugh & his teasing humour.
After Life was just wonderful, I thought too he must have lost someone close to him to be able to write such a meaningful & accurate script. I wept watching it in the weeks following the loss of my love.
I filled in another epic form tonight to close an account. It’s a stab in my heart every time I fill in his name & the cold hard reality & finality of typing date of death…
I don’t know how you got through 4 years, almost 8 months is crippling me.
2am & still wide awake.
Hi Maigret, It was bit of a shock but now I have listened to it think I’ll be able to listen again, was the main reason I didn’t want to scrub it off answer machine, knew I’d regret it and was the only “record” I have of her voice. Think I’m really worried I’ll forget what she sounds like as the years roll by so to have that recording means I’ll never lose that. Not sure about Wendys’ funeral, I’d assume it’ll be in Aylesbury (Buckinghamshire) so thats roughly 5 and half hour journey. I might if brother is going and could share the driving. We’ll see. There is a post mortum first as it’s sudden death. Don’t know if they have it in England but here something like every 10th death is refered back to the doctor so the funeral gets delayed. This happened to us even though June was terminal and wasn’t “unexpected” but think they are just random. It will be at least another 2 weeks before the funeral.
Did chuckle at thought of you trying to feed a drone with a scone and don’t really get 300ft trees in Scotland. Get the laughing problem, I know it took a long while to laugh again and then felt so,so guilty as I had no right to be happy again but would hear Junes voice saying it was ok to smile. Can you argue with a departed one? As I kept saying Aye thats ok for you to say!! Am I in trouble when we met again!!
Well the way I kind of got through some of the grief process, and I seriously DON’T recommend it is to get pushed off a trailer by the big orange lawnmower trap your ankle, dislocate it tear ligaments and break 2 bones. This was about 6 months after Junes death, so that kind of refocused everything. As was then more concerned about Skynyrd (my dog) though stepson moved back in and took over walking duties. The touble then was I was sitting in the house unable to get out, so had even more time to think. At least at work I could switch off the real world and do my job.
Not sure if sleeping pattern ever gets better. I still can’t get a sleep right through now and that’s over 4 years. I kind of assume it’s from the time being told June was terminal. You’d go to bed but leave the door open and have mobile near basically waiting for “that call”. Didn’t actually happen at night was 4.40 on Friday afternoon. But I’ve never been able to switch off as think brain for near on 6 months had trained itself to be ready to get to the hospital. Don’t see it getting better. Now just head to bed, read till ready to sleep, and if wake up during the night, just go read again or scroll through phone till ready to sleep again. Luckily (?) can’t work anymore so can get up about 9.00/9.30am to get Skynyrd out for 1st walk. Need to watch as he’s an old gentleman now, 16 on 14th of this month and truely a God send he helped so much getting through the reall bad times. He always knows when I’m sad or down.
Take care, Ken
Hi @Ken1
I am sad for you that you only have that one recording, makes it all the more precious, copy & keep it in many places. I worry too that I will forget my husbands voice but we have videos going back 29 years, loads of holiday videos (from when cameras were the size of small caravans, then to palm size, latterly mobile phones).
I know what you mean about the sudden death & post mortem, we were warned that could happen when mum then dad died (I am a widow & orphan within 3 years). Seemingly this rule is due to Shipman & his diabolical crimes.
Re Wendy’s funeral, I think it may mean so much to her remaining family if you could make it, do you think? It is such a distance to drive though.
Ouch, beware lawnmowers that fight back! Not that I would recommend your physical hurt but give me physical over mental/heart pain almost every time. I can see how it refocused you. And I think I know who you called your dog after…
A few folk have suggested me getting a dog, I know the love & loyalty you get back but I’m all over the place right now, dogs need routine & commitment, I can’t even commit to feeding myself. My skinny jeans are like 70s levi flares.
Still not back at work, dunno if I can do my job, had a zoom call today ((1st since before xmas) & was a tech call, so no ‘how you doing’ etc
Went to almost Carlisle last night just for a coffee or two, I drive around a lot, not wanting to go home when I’m out, not wanting to leave when I’m home. Still took ages to sleep despite night time concentration needed for driving.
As my mum & dad were dependent, I was never without my mobile always answering within first few rings, still programmed for that sadly although no one needs me now like that, takes years I suppose to decommission that programming.
I got to be with my dear husband when they took him off the ventilator & he passed just a short while later. That image will never, ever leave me but not being there holding his hand would have been a different torture. He would tell me that “it is what it is” & would not want me hurting like this but what else can we do.
Take care of yourself & your old gentleman, Maigret
Ps Seen dates announced for oz pink Floyd for summer 2022
Hello Jaydel, I lost my lovely lady June 2020 after 5 years cancer, we were together 47 years, I listen to our music every day and every day I cry, I surround myself with her photos and talk to her every day, it’s my way of surviving, it’s good to cry. My best wishes Kev