Just quick reply. Ah so you think you know the dog and his name.? Well you would be halfish right. Here’s the story. He’s a rescue dog from the Bearded Collie Club. His name was originally called Pepe. He was only 15 months old and we’d talked to the club about changing his name which was ok. Well one day not long after we got him we were sitting listening to music as “the dog” was sitting at the open back door looking out. June said put on some Skynyrd ( obviously meaning Lynyrd Skynyrd) and Pepe looked round. June said did you see that, sems to like that. So she said again put on some Skynyrd and again he looked round. So that is how Pepe became Skynyrd. He choose his own name!! Has always answered to Skynyrd ever since. When you tell people his name, some get it (rock fans) others don’t and when you tell them how he choose it they think it’s so funny. So the story of how a dog choose his own name. To think of all the names he could have been called. Genesis? AC/DC? Queen? Though I do know a dog called Bowie so would seem some people are going that way. So you were nearly right. ( Smiley face)
Dear @Ivyholla
I too am surrounded by framed photos of my love, 8 months gone next week. He would tell me to lose the photos, it’s like a shrine. Such beautiful photos of our over 42 years together, through tough & wonderful times, ho.idays & long hair, babies & bikes, aeroplanes & gliders, weddings & christenings & Halloween outfits & precious family.
All I have is memories & a helluva lot of tears. The music hurts like hell, was so important to us. We always said if it’s too loud you’re too old.
Take care Kev,
Dear @Ken1
A bearded collie smart enough to choose his own name, I’mi well impressed. Our family have a collie, she is amazingly smart , well trained & loving too. I borrow her for walks occasionally, but prob not enough.
My cousin had a rufus (wainwright) & friends had a layla & a floyd, I would like a german shepherd but as I said earlier, prob too big a commitment for me just now.
Hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight
All best, maigret
Only problem with Skynyrd is he’s getting old, 16 next Tuesday. Just slowing down and his eyes are going but nothing can be done about them. He gets around and recently seems to have more vigor in his step. Was definitely a help dealing with Junes death. You can’t tell what he’s feeling as one day she’s there taking him out next she either in bed or in her wheelchair.
Like the Rufus name that again would some would get others probably not.
Not sure what to do when Skynyrd goes,hopefully not for a good bit longer, that I’d just have to wait and see.
Take care. Ken
A favourite film of ours on TV today- The Wind & the Lion. Watched it without crying, just watched it with a numbness. My husband loved the music, we use to laugh at Sean Connery’s Edinburgh accent, despite him playing the part of the Risouli, a berber & the last of the barbary pirates.
Day 3 in bed, another week of a pointless existence in this big black hole. 8 months & still counting. Covid cases increasing & seems all folk are worried about are pubs, holidays & Freedom not to wear a mask. My husband died of covid, seems to be all but forgotten.
I’d wear a mask & isolate for ever if I could just have him back.
Hello Maigret, I know what you mean my Karen died of cancer during the peak of covid, it’s seemed to me she was considered just another number. What an horrible time to die do they realise we are devestated, I shout her name and bring her into every conversation I have , post her photos on Facebook, give them the importance they deserve,
My best wishes to you love, Kev
Maigret you are so right saying all people are worried about are pubs, holidays and the masks. Never known a me,me ,me society. Me and my mate used to go to the pub about once a month, not been and no intention of going until this is gone. As to holiday can’t believe there were SO many people last year heading away on holiday, it was like it was a neccesity. They were willing to gamble they could go on holiday and get back without it being cut short ifthe rules changed. I’ve done without a holiday for 4 years and probably won’t go again. Not much fun on your own. Though I’d like to go back to where June and I had our last hoiliday as it was great. Went to Banff and had great weather and such a relaxing time. I’d love to go back but just not right time.
As to people not wearing masks, it’s a joke. Don’t know what it’s like around you but in EK center there are so many walking about with no mask, and has been from the start. From what I’ve heard other places are no mask not getting in. Also needed a proper reason, going window shopping was not a legit reason. Ones that have no mask look at you as if to say “Go on challenge me, I dare you” Been far to easy with people, should have been total lock down and stricter rules. A lot of the blame must be laid at social media as there is too much miss-information being spewed on Facebook etc. and trouble is you can’t get a logical discussion with these people as if you ask about mask or vaccine the “in” phrase seems to be I’m not a sheep. Or they don’t want traced? Yes like Boris Johnston really wants to knew what I’m up to in East Kilbride!!! These are the same people that have mobiles, laptops, use credit,debit and store cards, and accept cookies on all sites they visit on line. Yes they’re not leaving a digital map.
Think if these nut-jobs knew somebody that had had covid or God forbid had lost somebody to covid they might change their tune. Stepson says a couple of his friends that were anti-vaccers got covid and were so ill they wish they had gotten the vaccine.
Can undestand your feeling he’s been forgotten as there have been so many deaths, but as have said to friends these are people, not numbers, they had family, friends and hopes for the future. That was taken away so quickly.
Reading your story can totaly relate to, there was many a day (still are sometimes) when feel as if I ran on auto pilot. Unfortunately there is not magic wand that can make it better or go away and there is no guide book to say when or if things will improve. You just need to take things as they come, though that’s not really the right phrase, As somebody put on the forum things don’t get better they are just different, which thought was a good way of puting it. I’ve found coming on this forum has helped and think there are so many people that have come on like yourself that are braver than me. There is no way I’d have been ready to try explain my feelings after 8 months. It’s only 4years later that I’m able to write stuff here, though reading other peoples stories am usualy in tears as can understand their pain.
Take care. Ken
Dear @Ivyholla
Covid itself was/its cruel enough without the additional heartbreak of losing your love to cancer.
Don’t stop saying Karen’s name, if it makes folk uncomfortable so be it. You dear wife was a huge part of your life. It doesn’t matter who I’m speaking to, whether it’s friend family, neighbour- I will say my husband’s name loud & clear, he will not forgotten.
He will be forgotten & just a number to politicians but never ever to those who loved him & whose life he changed. Most of these politicians don’t have hearts, they just have swinging bricks & the wee people just don’t matter. You can tell I’m bitter about their handling of this pandemic.
Take care
Maigret
Dear @Ken1
I used to think after covid is over, the new ‘normal’ will be a more compassionate society, but having witnessed some of the horrible comments I don’t think that will be the case. We have seen the best & the worse of people & so called leaders during this pandemic & it’s a way ffar from over. It is indeed a me me me society as you say. I just seen a FB post, that’s another friend jetting off to the sun. No, they’ve not lost anyone, so their risk assessment differs from mine.
Your mention of Banff brought back a lovely memory of a hol we had many years ago in a rented cottage there with friends & family, touring the castles & museums & just loving our life.
You are so right about EK (& here in coatbridge too) I was there 2 weeks s ago when my car was in garage for a day& I was wandering the village & the centre about for 6 hours. Masks seemed to be the exception but I kept mine on & used hand sanitiser all the time. I feel like screaming in their faces, giving them my pain for just a few mins to show how much this hurts.
I sat in a wee restaurant where it was mainly women, same age/some older than me & I wondered how many of them were in the same sad club of loss. And the ones with partners I just felt envious of. Grief twists things with the power it has.
My sister told me that friends of hers (one half of the couple works in NHS) are anti vaxers. I was so angry, told her to tell them to call me & I’ll tell them what covid was like for me & how it took my husbands life & how I feel now 8 months on. How I watched seizure after seizure not knowing if it was going to be the final one. I could give them a reality injection.
I don’t feel brave, some days I just don’t feel anything, some days I don’t even get out of bed. I’m due to go out tomorrow to meet a work friend & I’m already panicking about it & rehearsing an excuse.
I found my genesis tshirt today & then heard a clip of SH tour on FB, brought back so many memories. So I booked SH ticket for Monday next. Might end up not going but the option is there. An example of the digital map you mentioned, I looked at What’s On, seen SH, mentioned it to you, then pops up on FB?
Monday was a tear-fest of epic proportions. I watched the trailer take away our wee car, my husband just loved iher. She was old, needed stuff done & hadn’t moved since before lockdown. She started 2nd turn of key & the guy was able to drive it onto trailer as I wept, didn’t care who seen me. Seems everyday brings another drama, more no doubt to come.
I probably expected too much from the counselling, there was no magic wand & after many sessions realised it’s totally down to me, no one else,just me. As you say, no wand, no guidebook.
I think this forum has helped, if anything I know I’m not mad & know some poor souls have much worse to deal with. When you are down it is indeed one helluva black hole, way way down. Different is a much better description, better doesn’t really come into it at all.
It frightens me when I read posts which still mention lonely frightened lost heartbroken many years after the loss of their soulmate.
Thanks for listening to my ranting, I’m all over the place…
Take care
Maigret
Maigret, Sorry taken so long to get back. Finally sort of convinced my brother that I was going to busy to get the house back into some sort of order. One thing needed to do was go through June’s clothes, have been avoiding that for 4 years. Several times have tried to start then put it off with the excuse “I’ll do it tomorrow”
Totally get you being p’d off seeing people jetting off without a care. It is, as you say a me, me, me world now. Just don’t see it ever changing now, when you look at the rage that goes on, on social media you wonder what has happened to this world.
The Banff holiday was so good and glad we got away and had that special holiday, it will always be a treasured memory. I’d love to go back but not sure if ready yet might be a step too far just now. I’d love to take Skynyrd as he loved it up there but at 16 and not brilliant sight might be just too much for him. I’ll go back someday, just don’t know when. Sometimes watch YouTube videos of the area and that is hard to watch so know not ready to go back yet.
I just don’t get the number wandering around with no mask. From what I’ve heard we are one of the worst centres that just let people in without security asking questions. When you look at these people you know there is nothing wrong with them and they want you to challenge them. That’s why I try avoid the centre. Prefer the village, used to work in the off-licence now called 101 but was A Bulloch in those days. That’s where I met June. Was the restaurant in the Village? If so was it the Loupin Stain? Very small place by really nice. Girl round the corner works there and asked her if they did breakfasts as hadn’t really had one since June died, did one myself but dog had most of that, just wasn’t the same. So have been down there few times to get breakfast and loved it. Better when somebody makes it for you.
I really don’t get anti-vaxers. What do they think is going on? These will be the same people that eat processed food and drink Irn Bru, with it’s secret ingredients. They make me scream. What do they think is in there? The logic(?) of these people knows no bounds. But as they say you can’t cure crazy!!!
Did you make it to SH? Was a great show. Sound was good, lights fantastic and show probably his best of the newer shows. The poping up on FB made me laugh, all the anti-vaxers who think we’re being tracked and traced but will use FB without a though which is constantly tracking you. Wish they would explain that.
Never did counselling but mine was bit different from others as trying to deal with the loss of June 6 months later I bugger up my ankle so the grieving process had to be supressed as had Skynyrd to make sure was ok, luckily my stepson moved back in until my cast was off and I could move about and eventually get back to some sort of normality. I suppose when Keith was here that was a sort of counselling as we were able to talk about his mum and get things into the open and deal with them.
This forum definitely is good, so glad I found it. Thing is we’ve all been through it so we can’t understand what is going on in that persons life. I know my brother can’t really help too much as he’s not been there and where death and grief come into it he buries his head in the sand. Thing is I don’t think you totally get over the death but you “develop” a way of getting through the day. Undestand when invited to met up with people although you say yes, almost immediately you are working out an excuse not to go. I was like that but eventually made myself go, didn’t want to wake up one day and find all my friends had gone as there is only so long they’ll ask and accept an excuse. If they’ve not experienced death of a husband/wife it is hard for them to understand what we’re going through. Most of the time I can deal with it but it still happens that some thing, quite often trivial will spark a DARK day. We all are looking for somebody that has the magic way out of this and in a way we all have a wee part of that wand that can sort out a better picture.
Now have my phone tied up so I can pick up on emails from this site.
Hey we’re all allowed to rant and it can help as better out than in . Know when I’ve done some you look at the email and it does seem to be all over the place but to another sufferer makes total sense.
Hope your “ranting” helped know I used to feel better when I did it.
Take care
Ken
Dear @Ken1
Sorry for radio silence, I feel I have nothing positive to say right now. Been in bed for days on end.
Thank you - I did enjoy the SH concert, wonderful performance, rubbish seat (a light blocked my view almost constantly). Kept looking at sea of faces for the one person who wasn’t there, painful & lonely.
Cleared out some stuff to charity shop & recycling centre today. Cried in the charity shop when the lady asked about my clearout, I still find it too hard to say my husband died. Almost 9 months & still counting.
I hope you are as well as you can be Ken
Maigret
I have not really listened to much music since my husband died, I can’t name many songs that don’t have some memory of us together. Today I decided to go for a walk and put on my usual play list for the first time, I had to skip some songs that were just too painful, but one snuck up on me and I found myself sitting on my own in a busy park in London in tears, it’s like a whoosh of emotion that takes your breath away and a hundred memories ping in your mind all at once. He was a great lover of all types of music, with a wider range than me, not really a concert goer as he wasn’t keen on crowds, but we a did a few, mainly in our younger days, before the children. Songs we’ve always loved, have a different, deeper meaning now and some of the words can hurt so much. I did start to make a play list for him, starting with the music I chose for the funeral, his favourites, but I haven’t managed to listen to it as yet x
totally agree that songs that were special now take on a more “powerful” (?) meaning. music was a massive part of our lives and we would go to concerts as often as possible. Was difficult to go back to our music and it seemed EVERY song took on new meaning. Took bit of time to go to gigs again ( though I did bust my ankle at work just 6 months after June passed so that slowed it down) Once able to get about 2 of our fav bands were playing Glasgow and it was will I/won’t I but could hear June saying “come on you need to go, I’ll be there with you” I’ll admit was a real struggle but knew if was too overwhelmed I could just leave. But got through them both, even though tears were spilt. Did feel bit better and did kind of feel she was with me. The music for her funeral was pretty easy to choose as we had kind of talked vaguely about it over the years. Main song was Kate Bush/Peter Gabriel “Don’t give up” and it had been our song through all we had gone through living in Milton Keynes before we moved back to Scotland. Anytime I hear it I’m always in tears and truth be told always will be but would never stop listening to it as find it helps in the long run.
Can be so difficult to listen to music that kind of ties you together and was like you just after June died the emotions from hearing a certian song were all over the place, Can’t even say that has died down as still hear songs or somebody on here mentions a song which I check out and it’s WOW can see why the words mean so much.
You say you haven’t listened to the play list, it takes time but one day you will listen and it will be pretty tough. There’s a band June and I loved called Runrig (saw many, many times) but she died before their last gig at Stirling but just couldn’t go as would have been too emotional ( her passing and not being there and bands last ever gig) They brought out a DVD and years later I’ve still not been able to watch it, though know someday I will but too raw to even think about it, and that’s 4 years after she passed away.
Take care
Ken
It was a pretty good show, we were on the terraces to the right of the stage, just to see Seconds Out was great. June hadn’t been a fan of SH till he started to do the Genesis shows and was persuaded to go along and discovered she did like him. Know what you mean when looking out at the crowd and your husband not being there, it is so hard. I wen’t to see a band in the Barras about 4 weeks ago that we really liked and it is still so hard to go as June ain’t there, well she is in spirit and I have a a wee phile round my neck that has some of her ashes in, so in a way she is with me all the time.
Tell you what you are stronger than me in clearing stuff out. I’ve only just started to to do that and that’s nearly 4 years on. Had offers of help but was sort of “comforting” to have Junes clothes about but a few months ago was talking to young neighbour if she would like some of Junes jackets as the are perfect and charity shops weren’t taking stuff so was supposed to sort that out for her but kept sort of dragging my feet, but the other week thought it’s time to sort out, can’t promise somebody stuff them never keep that promise. Felt it would be what June would have wanted as she knew the girl and when she found out she was terminal she was giving away her stuff.
So as said you are stronger than me to clear stuff. Know what you mean when you say it’s hard to say your husband died. Eventulaly it’ll happen but I find now if peolpe to ask and I say she died of cancer I begin to fill up, so for me that bit just hasn’t gotten any easier. Problem is with your husband dying of Covid and it still being about it not giving you a chance to start to come to terms with it. Seeing peolpe who just flaunt the rules and think they are invincible make my blood boil, so must be so much harder for you.
Thing is you still have what I found was a tough time and that’s after the 1st year as there are the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and the worst the day of passing. Not going to lie it is a real tough year to get through.
The good thing is this forum and the support it brings from people that have all gone through it.
Take care.
Ken
Can’t believe it . Bought a genesis ticket at 4am Friday morning for £58 (£was 178). After 3 days in bed I finally found bravery to go alone. Got there 30 mins early to be turned back at car park.
Hope whoever in band has covid is OK, it’s still out there & it’s still killing.
Another email just in Alanis Morissette in nov cancelled too.
I know it’s not just covid out there, however we lost our loved ones the pain is the same. The guilt, the regret the ’ if only’ is haunting me. Torture.
Maigret, You took the words right out of my mouth.
Maigret, Things like this don’t help. Probably took a lot of self talking to go to gig only to find out it’s cancelled, though going by Genesis web site they are trying to re-schedule it. Doesn’t say who has it so could be band or road crew. Still all need to isolate to make sure it’s kept under control as best possible.
Had to come off MSN as my news page as far too many anti-vaccine and Covid deniers don’t know if it just just bots or real people (and that’s more worrying). Get sick of people denying it all. Social media has a lot to answer for.
Take care
Ken
I know it’s not easy but try not to beat yourself up about the “if only” I did that for a long time as kept saying I should have done this or should have done that. It took a good number of years to finally realise it wasn’t my fault and even a doctor didn’t spot the symptoms. but thing was June didn’t have the typical “signs” of lung cancer ie bad cough. Maybe if she had we might have caught it. So I know exactly where you are with the “if only”
Ken
@Ken1
Made my excuses not to have dinner with family today & stayed in bed all day, Reading & posting on this forum.
I feel guilty posting so many negatives but it’s hard to find any positives in this crushing new half-life.
I’m going to try & do some long overdue formal paperwork this week, giving myself a full week to do what should be a few hours work.
Car going back into EK garage on Wed- again an all day shot - so may try your recommended loupin stane for early lunch. I really hope the car will get finally fixed properly, can’t keep throwing money at it, another problem my husband would have simply fixed himself.
9 months & still counting. I don’t suppose we ever stop counting do we?