Hi @Ken1
Hope you are keeping safe. As we mentioned in previous posts, covid is far from over. Today my neice tested positive, she is feeling pretty terrible. Her mum had to be convinced to isolate now, 'cos she had to ‘pay her bills’ - old school, no online banking, still does all payments weekly in main st .
I text messaged her mum saying sorry that you are having to do this but if the person who transmitted the virus to my husband (albeit unintentionally) had stayed home, he might not be dead. And I had it at same time, sitting here all on my own while he was slowly dying in hospital. I think she got the message.
Been in bed all day, too cold to get up, nothing to do anyway but did receive the Grant of Confirmation today. The court staff were so helpful, the lawyers are a bunch of ahol*s & I will get round to lodging a complaint about their obstructive incompetent behaviour.
So once I sent the Confirmation to the bank, my husband is no longer in the system.
His work sent me a huge bouquet of flowers yesterday, I thanked them & told them to keep saying his name, keep .laughing at his daftness, humour & try to remember the clever & smart things he used to keep you all entertained with.
I got through my 63rd bbirthday without him on Sunday, first without him in over 43 years.
Next is xmas day…
I hope you will have company on Xmas day, much as we probably want to be alone we know it’s not good for us.
Stay safe
Maigret
Hi Maigret, In all honesty I can’t see us ever getting rid of this virus. though it seems to be getting milder that doesn’t mean it can not still be harmful to those most at risk. The trouble is there are too many people that are getting “virus fatigue” and think it won’t hit them. Yes we’re all getting fatigued with it but the only way to keep people safe and protect the NHS is to follow the advice from the government. I keep hearing from people I met when taking Skynyrd out for his walk about their families heading off on holiday!! I really don’t get that, do they not realise we’ve not beaten this killer yet.
Agree the court staff I had to deal with were great they did the majority of the hard work. luckily I didn’t need to deal with lawyers but have had one for my accident at work where damaged my ankle, They drag their feet on so many things, apart from when they are looking for money, then they are pretty quick. If there is re-incarnation I’m coming back as a lawyer or a vet never seen a poor one.
That was nice of your husbands work to send you flowers, shows they must still be thinking about him. Must have made a good impression.
Now you are coming to the hard times his birthday, Christmas then it’ll be the anniversary. That’s a lot to deal with within the space of a few months. Can’t even say it gets better as like the other month there I had a complete “wobble” out of nowhere. My biggest thing in the 1st year was if something happened it would be “oh I’ll need to tell June” then get hit by the realisation she wasn’t there any more. Think I told you am having her more in my dreams which is so comforting as I never had any dreams after she died, but maybe now is the time where she is in my dreams. Think is the dreams are just normal things like being on holiday, or going shopping or just things like that.
Hear today the government (England) is not having anymore Covid restrictions…for just now. The excuses are poor. They knew they couldn’t stop people getting together for Christmas after what they did last Christmas while people were loosing loved ones. Makes me so angry, feel they are just laughing at us.
Have my brother and step son up on Christmas day but they’ll both head off at night I’d assume (brother will anyway) Keith, my stepson, has struggled to stay at Christmas since his mum died. Never told me that till few years after, as I was pretty hurt when he just headed off, once he explained I could understand but he should have told me as we are very close and I’d have understood. Not sure what will happen Boxing Day as 2 years ago went into my new next door neighbours and spent time there but we cancelled last year due to the pandemic, think same will happen as Michelle is a theatre nurse in the Royal in Glasgow and is also pregnant so think maybe best to put on hold this year though we’ve all be vaccinated but think our safety is paramount. I’ve some stuff for their 4 year old which can just hand in. She has been a help getting to grips with Junes death, though they moved in and didn’t know her. When think about that, that does make me sad as June would have doted on Ella-Louise she just brightens the place up.
anyway just need to see what happens once the guys go, though in all honesty I’m quite at peace just being me and Skynyrd and either some music or watching films we used to watch at Christmas time, I’ll be in tears with the films anyway.
Try think of the good times you and your husband had at Christmas and yes have a good old cry, nothing wrong with that.
Take care
Ken
Dear @Ken1
I hope you managed to get through Christmas day & the bells ok with your brother & stepson.
I did manage to keep the brave face on mostly, different story when I got back to a cold dark lonely house. I should leave lights on when I do go out, might make it easier coming home.
I got quietly angry with my niece when she said she thought I was spending too much time on this forum, she felt it wasn’t good for me. I felt so sad that she doesn’t understand I need to type my feelings cos I can’t say to anyone else cos they don’t want to listen. I know she wants me ‘back’ to the fun, organised, social, helpful loving person I once was. But that’s gone.
Booked to see a medium show in EK in Feb, if she knew she would be so sad angry, she doesn’t realise its despair that’s driving this.
Hope you got to see your wee ray of light next door neighbour enjoy her Christmas time.
Hope you are still keeping safe
Maigret
This is the best explanation of grief I’ve ever read:
“The death of a spouse or partner is different
than other losses, in the sense that it literally
changes every single thing in your world
going forward. When your spouse dies, the
way you eat changes. The way you watch TV
changes. Your friend circle changes (or
disappears entirely.) Your family dynamic/life
changes (or disappears entirely). Your
financial status changes. Your job situation
changes. It effects your self-worth. Your self-
esteem. Your confidence. Your rhythms. The
way you breathe. Your mentality. Your brain
function. (Ever heard the term ‘widow brain?’
If you don’t know what that is, count yourself
as very lucky.) Your physical body. Your
hobbies and interests. Your sense of security.
Your sense of humor. Your sense of
womanhood or manhood. EVERY. SINGLE.
THING. CHANGES. You are handed a new life
that you never asked for and that you don’t
particularly want. It is the hardest, most gut-
wrenching, horrific, life-altering of things to live with.”
Dear @Barb11
This is the most accurate description I’ve heard so far. That all powerful grief that trumps all reason, sometimes I think it’s greater than love.
I understand your pain.
I too ,lost my gorgeous big guy to covid, I had it at same time. Wish I had passed with him, this is not living.
Was going to reply yesterday but like you was annoyed at your niece. So thought give it a day to be rational. I would assume she is still young? It’s coming up to a year since you lost your husband, does she not think that you are really hurting just now? I had to say something to my brother not too long ago, Think it was explaining why I come on this forum, as I said to him he can’t really understand the lose we go through. OK we lost our mum and dad and that was pretty hard, especially as June and I lived In MK when it happened but at least I had June there for support and I was there for her as she loved my mum and dad . When you lose a husband/wife/partner then it’s a whole different ball game and somebody who would have been there to give you the support isn’t there. That bit Babs11 put on is just so right.
Think your niece should realise that the “old” you has gone, might come back later but won’t be the same person, how can you be? As you know I lost June 4 years ago and only started to use this forum once I came across it last year (I think but not too long ago) Wish I had discovered it a long time ago as might have helped when really struggling those years ago. Don’t think my brother understands too much but Keith my stepson is glad I’ve gotten some way of dealing with my grief. He used to say that I really needed to see some sort of councillor, so he obviously saw I wasn’t right (takes that from his mum).
As you say you need to get stuff down, it might seem a bit rambling when you read it but from own experience it makes sense to us on here. It like you are trying to get as much out but your fingers can’t keep up.
I suppose your niece is trying to be kind but in honesty probably better if she was more supportive and just be there for you. As to going to a medium that is for you to decide nobody else, I find that now I’m talking to June more and more as I’ve got photo’s of here about the place and have a frame centre of the main wall that has her picture, a t-shirt, gig flyer plus tickets of our last gig together, Australian Pink Floyd. So she is still here, sort of, and when the bells chimed the other night she was the first I wished a Happy New Year. It’s these times I find hard but a wee cry and then put on a DVD of one of our bands generally cheers me up. Even a wee dance round the room, which is a sight that nobody should see.
On a different note. Did go into my neighbours on Boxing day night and had an happy night, Ella-Louise was in fine form and had loads of pressies and these were all over the place.
this annoys her dad Andy as he tries to keep it clean but as I said to him the mess just goes to show a happy house and is far more welcoming. Was supposed to go in for a wee while on New Years eve but a cousin had tested positive and through visits Andy and Michelle were worried in case they had it and passed it onto me. Thought yes that would just be my luck to get it after I’ve followed all advice and tried to be so careful. Have taken tests and been negative so far, and spoke to Andy yesterday and all their tests were negative. So fingers crossed it’s ok. It just goes to show let your guard down for an instance and you could end up getting it.
Don’t know the date of when you lost your husband but know it’s in this month, just to let you know will be thinking of you as you go through this tuff time.
Take care.
Ken
Thank you for this, it is all so true, I don’t really know who I am anymore, I was a girl when we got together, found who I was with my husband, grew into a women, partner, a worker, wife and mother and now at 49 I’ve lost so much of myself that was entwined with him. Now I am a mother and a worker and that’s as much as I can tell. I don’t know how to be just me and I really don’t want to, but I guess that’s not my choice, and for my kids sake I have to find another version of me, but it’s so very scary x
“Your the One " by Shane McGowan gives me a warm feeling but also brings me to tears thinking of my tear wife. The song is from the Maeve Binchy film " Circle Friends” lovely film .Watch it.