Don’t feel guilty posting negatives. Let’s be honest there are no positives to take out of all our situations. In honesty it’s easier to “talk” on these forums as although my family are sympathetic they don’t understand what we’re going through. How can they.
If car not sorted a good garage is Kingsway MOT they are reasonable and they don’t add on work that doesn’t need it. Plus they tell you 1st if it needs anything done to it.
No we don’t stop counting unfortunately. I’ve my dreaded month next month, on 17th November it’ll be 4 years. Real dark time leading up to that. Can remember every single night going to Stonehouse Hospital that week. Especially the Wednesday before she passed on the Friday. She never really came round that night so just held her hand. Can play it back so clearly. It’s a tough week, the week they died. Not getting any easier at all.
Fingers crossed about your car.
Ken
Hi Ken: you’re right that the week they died is the hardest. My Lenny will be gone one year this coming Saturday. I hope the day goes by quickly. I know there will be an ocean of tears.
Barbara 
Still be very raw for you. I found I seem to run on auto pilot. Take our dog out for his walks I tend to avoid times people will be out, just need to be on my own with my thoughts.
Ken
Yes. Thanks
@Barb11 @Ken1
Wishing you both strength as your anniversaries approach & hope you are able to get through the day with good& powerful memories of happier days.
I hope we can find some peace from these relentless huge waves.
Maigret
Thanks so much.
Maybe one day.
Dear @Ken1
Thinking of you Ken as your anniversary approaches, I know this will be a tough time for you and I do hope you will be able to get through it
I watched a whistle test concert last week - whispering Bob Harris introducing Linda Ronstadt in concert. We both absolutely loved Love Has No Pride, the words left me totally wiped, a beautiful song (although version we knew better was by Bonnie Raitt.)
Car not fixed, wrong part delivered (my bad) so back again to EK next week. Managed to complete probate forms & will deliver to Court tomorrow, thats took me 10 months to do that.
Best to you & Skynyrd
Maigret
Maigret, Thanks for your kind words.
I “taped” the OGWT with Linda Ronstadt but not watched it yet. She was on something else not too long ago, think she has retired now as she has Parkinsons (?) I think, know she has something that means she just can’t sing anymore. Think I’ve one album of hers and also 12" single she did with Aaron Neville came out late 80’s roughly. Was called Don’t know much got it for June as we hadn’t been going out for long, though we knew each other as friends (worked together) Came across it not long ago as was moving all my vinyl downstairs into vinyl cubes. Means I have my vinyl on hand as listening more to music than watching TV.
It took me a long while to sort out some legal stuff, though not the really important stuff like stopping her pension. There again was my stepson who did a fair bit of that, trouble was once that was all done he then fell to pieces as he had nothing else to do. I know from a friend that he was really worried that as his mum was gone I wouldn’t keep in touch with him. Think he knows now 4 years later that’s not going to happen. He’s been a big part of my life and no chance I’d just cut him out but he too was grieving for June so not thinking rationaly, when my brother gets tickets for gigs he always asks if Keith wants to go. So he knews he’s still part of the family.
Next week, 17th, isn’t too tough on him the time he really struggles with is in July when his mum was diagnosed as terminal. We spoke about it one time and says the 17th is still sad for him it was the being told that he struggles with. It does sort of help as I’m there for him in July and he’ll be there for me next week. Think I’ll just take Skynyrd and head off in the car somewhere as prefer to be on my own and I’ve now doubt my brother will pop in,even though he knows what day it is, he’s not great (understatement) with emotions. Maybe he lets go when in his own house, who knows. He just clams up with emotional issues.
As I had started to say about legal stuff then sidetracked, it was at least 2 or 3 years before I contacted the bank and others like that to tell them June had died, for one reason hadn’t thought about it and it made it kinda “normal” when post came in from the bank addressed to us both. It was my mate who said I needed to let the bank know before I did anything about it.
I’ve become bit like yourself , sleeping gets bit harder going into next week. It’s like a movie that plays out in front of me. Can remember every day going over to Stonhouse Hospital where she had been moved to, in that last week. She was getting bit weaker and was on oxygen but didn’t think for a moment that this was her last week. Wednesday night (died Friday) she didn’t really rally out of sleep at all and I just sat and held her hand and spoke away to her. Think she could hear me as every now and again her thumb rubbed over my hand.
As I said it will be tough and I really just want to be on my own, though Keith knows I can phone him if it’s too tough. It certainly doesn’t get any easier.
Thanks again for your kind thoughts.
Best wishes
Ken & Skynyrd.
Hi @Ken1
My husbands nephew bought me a wee portable turntable from Ebay & gave me some albums he found in his family loft. Still have our vinyl in a box in loft too. A few years back my friend asked me if I still had her brothers vinyl (he was my boyfriend from age 14-17, sadly died in a motorcycle accident) & I was so pleased to give them to her. Those albums that meant so much to him, if I had left them, they would have been scattered to the wind if I hadn’t kept then for over 45 years. They are now rightfully with his sister. I thought at the grand old age of 17 I was feeling the worse grief ever, boy how wrong was I. Wind on to jan 2021 & covid destroying our lives.
I am so glad you have kept the bond with your stepson, your dear wife would be so happy to know you are looking out for each other. I feel my family is fractured now, I find it hard to feel love for my family, its not them its me. Its hard to admit that my feelings of grief are stronger than my feelings of love, but I just wish it would come back to my heart, its hurting enough.
I took the probate forms to court on Monday (eventually) & had to listen to a lecture from a staff member saying its all on line (NO its not) you should have posted it (not with my passport, driving licence, death certs given no one around here is getting ANY mail due to a covid outbreak in sorting office, week 3). If I had met her this time last year I would have had what I like to call “a frank exchange of views”
But I just left feeling like a wee deflated balloon. Is this world full of people who have no compassion?
Got my car back today from EK garage today, hopefully fixed. Had brunch with my very patient cousin in loupin stane (good call Ken, good fare & lovely staff).
Seen a guy there with a pink Floyd hoodie & wondered if it was you, that would be too much of a coincidence, I know you talked of just going away on this difficult of days.
My neice suggested on the anniversary a house full of the family & friends who loved my man, to all meet here & eat & laugh & remember & listen to his spotify soundtrack. Right now I don’t get the feels for that. Like you I think I want to be on my own. I know what you mean, like a movie being replayed over & over again, just wishing it would stop hurting so bloody much. Went to a medium show in Glasgow, a sign of my utter despair it’s not normal for me to think of doing anything like that but left thinking well my husband didn’t come through, that was pointless. Not entirely convinced of it anyway, left thinking it was 50/50 no further forward.
I’ve stopped taking the prescribed antidepressants, more as a test really to see if they are making a difference & conclude they were not. Don’t feel better, don’t feel worse, all I feel is grief.
Folk say keep busy - have been this week - funeral for friends mum, court, hairdressers, nails done, massage, garage. Still in bed by 7pm tonight…
My rambles get worse, but feel my head could explode with all these thoughts.
Take care
Maigret
It’s good to listen to music on vinyl, I always think it sounds richer/warmer. Don’t think I’ve ever thrown an album out (though know many who have) there are a good number that I wouldn’t play again as got them when I was around 10. Have one that is basically a guided tour of London. Must have gotten it when I moved down in early 70’s to Chatham in Kent with my mum, dad and brother. Still have the 1st album I bought ( or my uncle did had come to stay and was going to the Proms in London, I got Jimi Hendrix Smash hits. Think this is where I get my love of music from him)
That’s a lovely story of the girl getting the LP’s that were her brothers. Bet she didn’t expect you still to have them, that must have been a long shot for her.
As I said before think he thought now his mum had passed I wouldn’t be interested in him. Never even crossed my mind. In all honesty I really only see my brother and Keith. All the cousins only ever see at family events. All other family are gone. It is kind of difficult to tell family how you feel , as I know I thought they can’t really understand what I’m going through and when asked by them. when I did see them, just said I was fine. They probably didn’t won’t to hear the truth.
See some of these officials they do my nut in. Yes I’m really going to send important documents through the post. When I had to do it we didn’t have this pandemic where post sometimes gets through…or maybe not.
Sorry to say it seems more and more there is no compassion. At lot I blame on social media, when you go on Facebook there just seems to be so much more anger. This is where we get all these “Doctors”, I’ve got a next door neighbour who still don’t think has been vaccinated. His wife is pretty poorly and he comes up with the usual “I don’t know what is in it” I put on a thing on Facebook that breaks down what is in fags (they both smoke) but as usual that doesn’t suite their ideas. He is constantly out his nut on pot and jumps in this car, a big SUV, but that is Ok. He also takes Irn Bru and KFC. Have they both not got secret herbs and spices? Really would love to bang his head against the wall.
The Loupin Stain. Was this Wednesday around 11.30 ish and was the hoodie blue with The Division Bell on the back? If yes then yip it was me. Just wanted out the house and not be around if my brother turned up, which he would. The younger girl that was there (dark hair and glasses) is Jacqui and she stays about 40ft from my house. When she started there I bumped into her ( the one good thing with this pandemic we used to pass each other then we just got talking one day, though June had spoken to her when her and her son moved in) Anyway I asked her if they did a cooked breakfast as I’d not had one since June died so when she said they did I’ve gone down every now and again. Fills me up for the day. I’m pretty sure June used to go in there for a coffee as she was a cleaner in the Montgomery Arms so if they needed to wait till it was opened up she used to nick in there. Must ask the owner next time I’m down as sure she would remember them going in.
So anyway I’d be pretty sure that was me. The likely hood of 2 guys with Floyd hoodies doubtful.
Your niece is probably trying to be helpful and can understand why, but the 1st anniversary can be pretty hard. Maybe just have a word explaining that it sounds a good idea but it is too raw for you, She will be meaning well and thinking it may help you but you are really the only person who knows what you want to do and as it is still a wee bit of time away how do you know how you will feel then. Think if you can have a quite word with her probably emphasising that you do appreciate her suggestion but maybe some other time. She can’t be annoyed about that surely.
Thing I used to try slow my mind down was using stuff on YouTube either hypnosis or mantra ones. It really just let me slow my mind down and relax a bit, I really still don’t get a great sleep and that is 4 and a half years later. Once Junes diagnosis was explained to us I never could get a good sleep, was always waiting for “that” phone call and have never gotten back into a regular sleep. Last night was up virtually every hour to go to the loo. Used to hit a good bottle of red wine just to sleep but that was getting bit out of hand. For last 2 months have had couple of vodkas ( because my brother and his friend had annoyed me about a support band we saw, really annoyed me) but that is all, just don’t enjoy it anymore. It started when I started taking Skynyrd out for a walk at about 10.00pm just to give him a wee last walk. Time I get back in (about 30 mins) can’t be bothered . Usually just watch some music/band on YouTube then bed.
Hey don’t worry about the “rambles” this reply is not a work of Shakespeare but it’s good to get it out. That’s why this forum is so good, what you think of as a ramble the rest get it totally. It’s not a ramble to us. It’s like you have so much you want to say and you feel you need to write it quickly or you’ll forget it. So it’s not really a ramble just an outpouring which we all go through.
Anyway just ramble away. Doesn’t harm anyone and will help you.
Take care.
Ken.
P.s if you see somebody in the Loupin Stain with a music hoodie (probably Floyd or Black Stone Cherry ) then there is a 99% chance its me. Glasses, grey hair and overweight ( though starting to do something about that)
Hi Ken @Ken1
I think indeed it was yourself on that day! What a coincidence… many people on this forum talk about meeting up but are restricted due to geography or mobility & we end up in the same tearoom. I wish I had said 'excuse me, do you have a dog called …)
I was sitting at second middle table with my cuz (tall guy, glasses he was wearing work uniform, I was wearing a plum colour coat, dark blonde longish hair). My cuz said it just confirms what he already knew, that I am a witch…
I did speak to jacqui to aske her name, as the garage owner told me his niece works there too (she was at school/college that day). The brunch lasted me for 2 days!
Yes, a few antivaxers I know smoked & took questionable substances in their formative years but won’t risk vacs?
I wish my dear big guy could have got the option of a vaccination, he might be here with me now
I’ve tried the you tube stuff to help me relax & sleep but to no avail, my mind churns like mad.
Approaching one year in January I cannot believe its happened I cannot believe I’m still existing without him, time doesn’t make it any easier.
Hope you are staying safe
Maigret
Been reading some peoples comments about when the hurt stops, and with the time I’d say mine has become the norm. The trouble is there can just be something that happens that just opens up the emotions. Had this the other day. My brother and I went to see Aussie Floyd and I’d taken photos, he asked if could put onto stick for him. Which I did and as was transferring them over got hit by strong emotion about June. Just before she died we’d managed to get her to see Aussie Floyd , one of her fav. bands, and then it kept going through my mind. Was she sitting in her wheelchair thinking this is the last time I’ll see them. She passed less than a month later. Just couldn’t shake off the thought of her thinking that. Maybe she wasn’t and was just enjoying the music, which I really hope was the case. That thought has kept going through my head for the last few days and pulled me down to a dark place. So thing is although things seem to be “the new normal” sometimes things just happen and knock you for 6, was difficult to try sort out the thoughts that went on. She did love her music and hope that she just listened to the music and didn’t think it was her last time seeing them, actually it was her last gig ever.
This was going round in my head and thought I need to get onto forum to put this down. It does help to get these things out rather than bottling it up.
Hope you are coping especially with the horrid time coming up.
Ken
I’m so glad you managed to go to the gig, I do hope you enjoyed it, making new memories, built on the foundations of your memories of shared times with June.
The ‘trigger’ you felt is so heartbreakingly sad. Of course, you could try to trick your brain into thinking an alternative scenario…
June could have been sitting there thinking, here I am next to the guy i love, who loves me dearly & cares for me and I’m listening to such wonderful music & lyrics. And he made it possible for me to be here, feeling this way, so happy, so thankful, so loved.
And as I type this, sky arts is on - Pink Floyd in Venice July 1989. The lyrics to Time just stabbed me in the heart.
Triggers - today I found an old notice board full of business cards for British bike stockists, model kit stockists. etc The one that shattered me was a battered one from 70s - a bike shop in Glasgow- the first national nothing, run by the Blues
A while back I accidentally washed his wallet, nothing else really mattered to him in the wallet but that card he had kept from age 14 to age 60. His memories of being such a young crazy enthusiastic biker, meeting the guys that understood his passion for 2 wheels and were so patient, sharing their knowledge with this young pup. How can a piece of cardboard have such power? Well it does.
It’s good that you got it out here, I think it’s the only way to deal with it, cos trying to explain to someone isn’t the same. This forum has helped convince me I’m not crazy, we all might be at different times but we are on the same road. Song popped to mind as I said that- Road to Nowhere, Talking Heads.
The fact that you still feel those feelings whenever you are faced with a trigger shows really that broken hearts just don’t heal.
I know this at 11 months, I will know this at 11 years too, if I survive that long.
Had a swear fest at the number 10 party fiasco- it was as if they were laughing & mocking my husbands death by covid, how dare they. I will never stop or want to stop the bitterness I feel towards them & their like.
Wish xmas was over but equally dreading Jan- how can it be almost a year, it feels only last week …
Stay safe Ken
Maigret
Hi Ken 1
Your thoughts about what your wife might have been thinking at the concert brought to mind when my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. That Christmas (2017) he had decorated the whole house and put up 2 Christmas trees whilst I was at work…He was never one for celebrating Christmas but when I saw what he had done I just felt that he knew it would be his last Christmas. I was right. He passed away in Sept 2018. I have never enjoyed Christmas myself since then
Thanks Mairet, I realy wasn’t expecting this to surface and surface pretty strongly. I do get a bit emotional when I go see them as Run Like Hell was a fav of hers, even played at her funeral when the coffin was going in. Don’t think my brother thought it appropriate. Though can hear June saying he’ll have to accept it as it was music that conected us both. After reading your words felt better and put the “doubts” I had to back of my mind. Thanks. I tell you, you’re looking through your husbands stuff sooner than I could, Nothing was moved or checked till a few years ago, was just too tough at the start.
Must admit when all the party fiasco at No. 10 came out I did think about you and how you must be feeling, what really gets me is he’s not even got the back-bone to just say he totally meesed up and apoligise to all who had lost loved ones and never had the chance to say goodbye properly. Seems to be more concerned about the c** that resigned, probably started a new job already. There has been NO sincerity in any of their “apologies”
I saw there was a load of people that stood outside No.10 that were as angry as you that whilst they followed the rules, and that must have hurt beyond belief, there were ones who thought it was a good idea to have a party then joke about. I’d let you know what I thought of them but have used all my F words for today. These peolpe just are not human and just chase the God of riches.
Yes you have a real sh*t time December and Christmas followed by January and the aniversary. That is so tuff.
Be thinking of you at this dark time.
Take care
Ken
Hi, thanks for the words.
Yes it kind of sounds as if he knew it would be his last so really went for it. I wondered about that with June, did she have any sort of idea some of the things we did would be her last. I try not to think too much about that. I suppose we all think about that at times but not really a thing you can talk about,
i know June talked more to her best pal and my stepson as she was protecting me, she knew I’d struggle with certain stuff. It was bad enough going in with the doctor and my stepson to tell her, her cancer was terminal. How the doctors can do this is beyond me but he explianed it so well. Not enough money in the world to do that job.
Chritmas can be so hard for those who have lost a partner and I find at 1st tried to make out I was ok as really didn’t to spoil anybody elses Christmas,though the 1st one was cancelled as June had only died the month before, so Christmas was a no go at all. I must admit last year and this I’ve really decorated the house. 2 reasons, 1st is as a celebration/tribute to Junes life (she loved Christmas) and 2nd is have a family that moved in about a year after June died and they have a wee girl called Ella-louise and she is a breath of fresh air and has brought a bit of happiness back into my life. Only down side is June never met her as she would have spoiled her rotten. But you can’t change what’s gone.
I try as best to look forward but at the start it was difficult as something would happen and I go “oh must tell June that…” only to realise that wasn’t going to happen. Though I’ve found more and more I do talk to her. Makes me feel better and somehow closer to her.
As people have put on here things don’t get better (never will) it just becomes the new “normal” for us. That is why I like to come on this forum as we’ve all been in the same situation and can understand the pain and thoughts that go on. I know there is nobody in my family that understands it as they haven’t lost a partner, parents yes but not husband/wife.
Anyway
Take care
Ken
Found this today. Interesting to read how people cope with their loss (or not).
This is one way… sad but uplifting too
https://magenta.as/texting-my-dead-husband-549492e4a521. Hope this link works
Interesting article. Never thought about doing that but I went a slightly different route. I took over June’s phone account so therefore her number. Just didn’t want to let it go. I just cancelled my own account when the time was up, that was more hassle. I even have the same cover for phone she did. You’ve seen me think I get away with a phone that has a purple case with butterfly’s on it? 
. It is just another way to have here near.
It is amazing what we all do to keep that thread going between us and our missing partner and on this forum we all get it. Makes perfect sense but if you said that to family or friends sure you’d get strange looks. It’s like Ricky Gervais series After Life now that’s a hard watch but there were things on that I went “oh wish I’d thought of that” an example being his departed wife had recorded a message on her lap top so he could watch later. Wish I’d done that with June so I could look at her and hear her. In saying that over the last moth she’s been coming into my dreams more and more which has been comforting. Never happened after she died, just strange happening now but happy with it.
Thanks again for the link
Take care
Ken
Kept phone kept number with all his lovely funny smart videos & observations & photos.
One of the last things he done before he died was to screenshot a picture of me, he was looking at me while lying there, probably wondering if he would see me ever again.
His best friend asked me if he was scared
Yes, we both were. Scared for each other, scared of losing each other.