I lost my partner May last year. We had both been married before and had families. My 3 sons took to Malcolm right away and were happy that I had met someone. Malcolm had 2 daughters who didn’t take to me and were cruel at time. When I met him him he had prostate cancer and had radiotherapy for 30 days, we would travel on the bus together every day. He got over that and in the next few years went on to have bowel cancer - he had a colostomy- then liver cancer - had a 1/3 of his liver taken away and finally lung cancer. I took care of him night and day but was never thanked. I was still being treated by his daughters with contempt. By this time I was under Mental Health and was advised to move out. This I did 2 years ago but we still saw each other and went on some lovely holidays. In April last year Malcolm was put on end of life. I went and visited him and said my goodbye, he was barely conscious. Malcolm died on 30th May although I was informed till the next day.
I was invited to his funeral along with 18 of my relatives.
The eulogy was read by the celebrant, starting with his younger day, time in the army up until he got married and had his two daughters. I lived with Malcolm for eight years, not a mention was made of me who looked after him, cared for him and loved him. I was distraught so we’re my family. My eldest son found a door we could go out of as not to see anyone.
It’s been 7 months and I can’t move on and put it behind me. I keep asking the question ‘Why did they treat me like they did.
Hi
I have no words to offer that would give you comfort having never been in your situation.
The baggage we each bring to a new relationship is often problematic for new partners.
I don’t know whether it is the right thing or not but in your situation I would write a letter to his daughters saying how you feel and asking why they treated you so badly. They obviously have their own issues so be kind to yourself by being kind to them. Whether you actually send the letter or not you may get some relief from simply writing it all down. I would also read it out aloud to myself and maybe you closest son.
Conflict and grief are powerful allies in helping to wreck our lives. Grief I am working through myself so I am no expert. Conflict as I learnt from my wife ceases to be when one side lets it go. Hard though it is try and let it go and take care of yourself.
Regards
Derek
Hi there i am so sorry for your loss, i have had similar treatment from my own sons so i can identify with your situation. I looked after my ex wife for seven years until she passed in October, she had many health conditions including dire respiratory problems which got her in the end, i was with her right to the end. I looked after her 24/7 and did everything for her. I didnt get any acknowledgement from my sons, no recognition, nothing for looking after their mum. I took her into hospital every time and stayed with her during her numerous hospital stays. She did have a partner but he didnt step up to look after her when she started to get ill so i stepped up and took on the caring for her. The thing is my sons seemed to respect him more than me and blamed me for looking after her even though she wanted me to look after her, so he got all the consideration and respect. So i can identify with how you have been treated. Its so sad for you the way you have been treated and its appalling and no wonder you cant move on. It is difficult to move on but there is no rush and i would say to say just let the grief happen and praise yourself for what you did for your partner, other peoples opinions are of no consequence, easier said than done i know, but you should acknowledge your unrelenting support for him and know he would have appreciated all you did and also he would want you have a life going forward, i wish you the strength to keep going
Hi Derek
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I had thought about writing to his daughters but I think it would upset me too much. This last week I’ve had a text from one of his nieces, which was lovely, she was just asking how I was. Yes I’ve got to move on somehow but I’m lonely, don’t like living on my own. As I mentioned I am having support from Mental Health and have thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore but then I think of my family and what it would do to them. I just hope that 2025 has something good for me, also for you.
Hi Ytherod
You can have all the reasons in the world to check out, but you only need one to stick around. Thats what I found when I was depressed, it’s what I am finding now. My life is empty without Carol and has no meaning. I have no close family and whilst there are friends and neighbours that were Carols and not really mine. My reason for sticking around now is because I promised Carol I would look after our dog Meg (her dog really). The other thing has come from this site as much as other sources of info about grieving. That is that all things pass…eventually. Grief is included in that. It may never leave you entirely but it will become easier.
When you met Malcolm you had an obvious connection and feelings that overcame the difficulties with his health. Tell me why you took such good care of him.
You probably feel Malcolm should have stepped in when his daughters treated you so badly, maybe he did and it made the situation worse. But don’t forget they were his daughters and therefore conflicted. Even so I would lay odds on the fact that he would have wanted only good things for you as I am sure you wanted good things for him. Just because he has gone doesn’t me that wish no longer applies.
From what I have heard and read, 7 months is not unknown for grief to pervade a life. But ask yourself what it was you wished for Malcolm and if that feeling was reciprocated. We cannot avoid the pin we feel but we can change how much suffering it causes.
Write the letter, or at least start it. Maybe write it to Malcolm rather than his daughters explaining how it makes you feel. It will hurt the same as tooth ache hurts, until you face the pain and tell yourself it will no longer cause you to suffer.
We cannot change the past but we can chose how we remember it. Remember the good times with Malcolm, write those in the letter to let him know and to remind yourself. Try not to let the poor behavior of others cause you more suffering, why they did it is a matter for their own conscience and it will eventually catch up with them.