Can’t stop crying

I was on this site months ago but haven’t written anything since.
I am really struggling to cope with the intense grief I am experiencing since the death of my husband some 10 months ago whilst we were still grieving for our youngest son who died six months previously. He had cancer and was only 29 years. My husband had had a massive MI ( heart attack ) The familys grief iscompounded by the trauma and nature of their deaths with little or no support and zero input from palliative care team. I am ploughing through the hospital notes to try and understand why my husband was quite literally pushed out onto the pavement is such a terrible physical state to be taken home with no support, no diagnosis given from the cardiologist ( as a retired ITU sister ) I worked that out for myself ) no prognosis, no help at all. We were in a state of shock at the state he was in. I am rambling but I firmly believe that the way in which we were treated or not has not helped us deal with our grief. I was prescribed anti depressants but stopped taking them as I felt they numbed my emotional responses. I did ring Cruse but got a very shirty response from a lady who had zero empathy and more or less told me to ring back another time. She didn’t seem bothered about me. Perhaps it was me being overly emotionally sensitive, but I was put off ringing anyone to get counselling as I couldn’t face the seeming rejection again. I do have good friends and family but it’s not my husband . Sorry I am rambling and have started crying again.


First thing, please, please don’t apologise, on here we are all here for you and I can understand just how you feel and I am so sorry that your phone call to Cruse was answered in such a way but please don’t be put off counselling. It works well for many and helps you to sort out your emotions and thought patterns.
You have had such a dreadful year and I know the pandemic will not have helped and can be used for some of the short comings that you have witnessed. I can apologise all day for others but it’s you now that matters and finding how to cope with your new life that at present is not nice. Grief is hard and takes everything from us and is different for everyone. Please have another go at counselling, there’s your GP or try both Cruse or Sue Ryder and you are right regarding ‘pills’ they are an easy option but they really can make you feel like a zombie.
Remember we are always here for you. S xxx