Can’t stop thinking about that night

My Mom passed away five months ago. I have good and bad days. Mom had lung cancer and they had stopped all treatment. I knew time was short but I didn’t expect Mom to go into cardiac arrest. Dad was with her as soon as the ambulance people turned up he called me. It’s from that point I keep reliving in my head I don’t mean to but it’s on a loop the call,the lights from the ambulances watching them work on Mom trying to bring her back. Mom was only 66 would’ve turn 67 last week. Life is just a bit unfair sometimes.


Hey @Jules78 First off welcome to the community, i have read your post and i wanted to offer my deepest condolences.

I feel like i can really relate to your post, in 2020 i lost my little sister and my mum two months apart.

When i lost my mum i too had a dreaded night she nearly died in front of me, but i called the ambulance even though she did not want me to. She was in a real bad way and she was gasping, when they took her away the last thing she said to me was " i will never forgive you for this" i then called the hospital to see how she was and to my horror she had passed away!

I have been haunted by that night ever since, and like you it plays in a loop in my head.

I just wanted you to know your not alone, here if you want to talk x

I’m so sorry for your loss hard enough losing your Mom but sister also, so close together. I’m sure your Mom didn’t mean what she said probably just fear. My Mom hated hospitals if they ever said you have to stay in I just knew it wasn’t going to happen.

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Thank you @Jules78 i appreciate your condolence.

I have so much guilt around their deaths, it just doesnt seem to get any easier x

Why do you feel guilty? You did what anyone else would have done. You got help when it was needed.

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@Jules78 But i was too late in getting help because i followed my mums wishes when she didn’t want an ambulance, and then i took away her dying wish to die at home.

I wouldnt have been able to cope if she had died at home because it was just me and my daughter who was 7 at the time x

That wasn’t a great situation to be in and you only could do what you did. You tried to follow your Moms wishes you didn’t know it was going to work out like it did. Had your Mom been poorly for awhile?

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@Jules78 i appreciate you saying that! On and off but we thought she was on the mend but she died of septic shock! X

My mum died of cardiac arrest at home in October last year. She was off sorts for a few days before but she was adamant she didn’t want to go to hospital.
She died the next morning suddenly.
I am tormented by guilt that I should have insisted she went to hospital…
Guilt is part of grieving… either way in hindsight we all believe we should have acted differently.
We did our best at the time with what we knew then…
Be kind to yourselves at this difficult time.

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@Kate111 I am so sorry for your loss, you have been through such an horrific experience.

We do have to just remind ourselves that we did everything we could when our lives were crashing down.

Stay strong friends x