I just dont know how to live anymore. Cancer came into our life with a bang & took my fiancé in 56 days. We were so happy, 2 kids, our wee dog, holidays booked, a lovely life together, 36 years old with what should have been decades of life left to live and it all was ripped away so fast. Me & the kids had to watch him in so much pain, feeling so helpless and I sat alone with him while he passed away. Everyone has been great but i put the mask on, humour everyone by telling them im ok and pretending to have an interest in life but i dont and am so fragile, i breakdown constantly and have to actively hide this from our kids to not upset them. I just hate life now, living on auto pilot doing everything thats required of me daily but not actually being present. Really struggling to find purpose despite knowing i still have so much to live for. I dont want to be here but i wouldnt do anything silly as i know the kids need me. Suppose what im asking is how do you go on when youve lost the other half of you?
So sorry for your loss, so awful for you. I don’t tell people I am ok. I decided early on not to do that and when someone asks how I am I say plodding on or still here. My husband was 61 and died in may last year after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the February. The shock and disbelief continues every day. I too wear that mask and it is so exhausting. It must be so hard with young children but letting those feelings out and showing sadness does help. Family and friends are lovely but the one person you really want you can’t have.
Take care of yourself x
Im so sorry for your loss I understand how and what you are going through.
I lost my beloved husband on 23rd November to cancer, I had 4 weeks with him from the diagnosis.
He had just turned 50 in June and our 22 wedding anniversary 3 days before we found out.
My world is falling apart since I lost him and after years of us its just me. Im half a person now, just existing day to day waiting to join him again.
I never thought I would be a widow at 51.
My wife died from CUP (Cancer of Unknown Primary ) in exactly the same timeframe as you lost your husband. She went from being active to dying in just 7 weeks. We thought we had months due to the hospital lying to us. They made numerous mistakes in those 56 days. She wanted me to fight for her and raise awareness of just how much of a mess the Scottish NHS is in. So I have done to the best of my ability and will continue to do so. That gives me a purpose. She gave me that purpose. Keeping busy was the key for me. She had just turned 57 and was always active. Once she knew we were all okay as a family she quietly slipped away. You have children that need you. Keep busy. Find things to do. Anything to keep the grief at bay. I’m now nearly 8 months along that path and although it still hits me like a sledgehammer sometimes, it’s not so painful as it used to be. I have had 121 counselling, group counselling and I also belong in a walking group. It has all helped me. There is an excellent book called 'I Promise It Won’t Always Hurt Like This ’ by Clare Mackintosh. Well worth reading.
Wyns
I totally understand how you feel. Cancer took my wife of 40 years, we met when we 17.
We had a great life together, holidays, kids the whole package then bang cancer and pain and then gone.
She passed away in Nov23 and I like you have been putting on a brave face and trying to get through every day. The thing is nothing means anything anymore. I know I have kids and grandchildren and she would want me to be here for them but it’s soooo hard. I seem to have ‘ok’ days and bad days. The bad days are crippling, numbing and strangle me so I can hardly breathe.
Now my only brother has stage 4 prostate cancer. He’s fought so hard, 4 years of chemo but no good. He’s dying and has months to live. I just spent easter with him, he has no energy, can’t do anything for himself anymore and he was a big strong healthy man. Life is so bloody cruel but why??? Just don’t understand anything anymore. I thought I was strong but I’m not strong enough to get through this.
Every night I beg her to come and get me. I hope she is waiting for me.
I’m so sorry for your loss I truly am because no one knows how it feels unless you’ve been there. Whenever you need a chat please feel free to talk to me. Maybe we can help each other
Take care
G
Hello Wyns,
I am so sorry for your loss. This is so distressing and hard to cope with Wyns and I know how hard this can be. I have also been on the other side of cancer and nearly died. By natures/Gods grace I eventually pulled through only to then lose my husband. I watched him shrink away losing 3 stone in weight and looking like a much older man than he was. That was heart and lung failure.
My point though is that we get an inner strength when our loved ones are seriously ill. We don’t realise it at the time but afterwards as we mourn their passing we continue to grow that strength. I am over a year stronger than I was at the beginning. You have it as well, we all do, male or female, it is how we cope with this. The more we love them the more we grieve them. One equals the other, no more, no less. They are with us always in our hearts and our children’s hearts. This isn’t ever doing to be easy but we will all get through it until it is our turn to pass away.
I hope this helps a bit. Take care of yourself and your precious children.
Kind regards,
Bee23 x
I’m 8 months down the line and I’m definitely in a stronger place than I was when my Sylvia died. I still get sideswiped but I have learned to cope better. I found true love with her, as she did with me. Which made it so, so hard for me when she passed. I never thought I’d come out the other side but I am getting there slowly.
I understand how you feel,my son with special needs died of secondary bone cancer.He had no symptoms,until he started to complain of pain in spine and hips inApril 2023 . Doctor at walk in Center said muscular to rub deep heat in,GP got him a referral for physio .He had to have an assessment first, took him to be assessed. She put him on the list,but said there was an 3 months waiting list. The pain was so bad the end of April he could not get out of bed.I got to where he lives, phoned for a ambulance (that is another story). When I got him to hospital ,they said secondary bone cancer, they could not find where the primary was (c.u.p). He died on the 17th July 2023 , about a week before he died they said they found a small 20mm ulcer on the lesser curve of the stomach .They said it was not blocking any bile ducts that was why it was not causing any symptoms. Before that they said sometimes the primary cancer cures itself but some of the cancer cells remain to strike again some where else. Hence C.U.P. He was 47 and loved by all who met him.
When he was in hospital,an old gentleman opposite him fell out of bed, he was the only one that alerted the nurse even though he could not get out of bed to help.The man family were so thank full to him.