Cannot cope with loss of my husbznd

My husband was 52 when he died on 14may 2017 and I cannot cope. I am getting thru every day by doing all the paperwork but just don’t know what to do .he had sinus cancer and although he had an operation on 14 Feb which went well because he had a respiratory arrest 3 days later and was in icu for 4 weeks he could not have radiotherapy. The respiratory arrest caused a hypoxia brain injury which meant that although his brain was working fine it affected his communication and motor skills so he could not speak properly or do anything for himself. It also meant he had myoclonus spasms .The cancer returned by 4 may and we were told there was nothing they could do so prepared to send him home for palliative care. He never got home as he got a chest infection and then his kidneys stared to fail and he passed on 14 may. He had been so unwell the day before with a high temperature and the myoclonus were really bad his heart could not take any more strain. I was with him as was his brother so I can take comfort from that and I was talking to him all the time. The dr had told me earlier that he had communicated his wishes not to be brought back if it was to happen as he would not get any better. He did not want to come home when he found out he would need hospital equipment as he wanted to be at home as he remembered it. He never told me about his dnr. I did not want him to suffer anymore pain as it was unbearable for me so perhaps he made his decision for both of us. No one has been straight with me regarding why he had respiratory arrest or why he was not monitored as he was supposed to be after his operation.i keep thinking if he had been they could have stopped it.

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