Can't believe he's gone

I’ve lost my husband, my best friend, my soulmate, married for 30 years, no children, did everything together. He just felt a bit tired and thought he might be aneamic, went for a blood test and it came back with a problem with the liver, several tests and ultrasounds later he was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer, the oncologist was so blunt, sad there is nothing I can do, it’s spread, chemo was not an option, from being fit and well to dying in the space of a couple of months. It broke my heart into a million pieces when he got that news. He was such a lovely, gentle, kind person, it seems so unfair, he was only 69 and we had so many plans, the funeral and all the lead up to it was a blur, so unreal, now I just feel empty and alone, I didn’t have any time to adjust…if that is even possible, it all happened so quickly, he died of septic shock. Lockdown is making it so much harder at a time when a hug and time with a friend is so badly needed.

Hi Gentle5i am so so sorry for your loss,not a lot I can say too you, but I read what you wrote, and absolutely feel your pain, hope you find the strength to cope ,massive hugs too you darling Xx

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Thank you, I know I have to find a way to carry on without him, but it’s so hard, I miss him so much.

Hi @Gentle5, I am so sorry you lost your lovely husband so quickly and so young. I can say I know how you feel as I lost my husband 29/02/2020 only 6wks after going to the doctor with a headache. 5hrs later we were told he had terminal Brain, Lung and Stomach cancer. A week later he couldn’t remember my name or work the TV remote. He was only 64 and we had only been together 12yrs and married for 2. He was my soulmate. Please private message me if you feel up to it if it would help to talk and have a shoulder.
Shona x

Hi Shonzie, I am so so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you must have gone through. It all happened so quickly for my husband. He was taken in to hospital on the Saturday night as he felt breathless, and in pain, and he was gone in the early hours of the morning on the Tuesday. I have to be thankful that he didn’t suffer for long.
Your heart breaks for them doesn’t it? Seeing them going through the pain, both physically and mentally and there is nothing you can do. I hope you have some support, people who care and can give you some comfort, although it’s so hard in this lockdown.
I thought we had many years more together, he was never ill, he was my rock, I don’t like to think of the future, just try and get through one day at a time. Sending hugs.


Reading your story is almost identical to mine .My husband and I had planned to move this year close to his parents up north .He had a few off days like we do .Xmas 19 he didn’t feel so great and then all of sudden he became exhausted. Initially thought it was due to his stressful job…Then he got lead legs .We booked doctor’s appointment. Had to wait 2 weeks. He wasn’t happy or though blood test came back fine .Fast tracked for hospital appt.Had numerous tests and was told he had bowel cancer. I can remember runn6thro the hospital crying. Got to carpark where I screamed so loud and was almost sick with shock .Our worlds stopped in a second. We both was so scared the feeling of panic and despair only people who have had that unfortunate experience will ever know the intense pain .We then had to wait a month to see the oncologist.
Although polite there it was on the table no airs no Grace’s. Stage 4 bowel cancer
Another blow .I could hardly breathe.
It he reassured us it was curable but husband would have a bag for life …and he could have chemo and then operation.
Covid hit and that changed everything…
Everything was multiplied by a million
Scared doesn’t even come close …But we clung on to that hope .I even had a cross blessed by a priest …couple around of chemo already knocking my husband down. All of sudden he looked I’ll.
He hated to see me cry .so I would have a bath put the radio on and cry my heart out …He started losing weight and couldn’t eat .Smells around the house made him feel sick .Even the taste of water .He said he didn’t feel right .He kept asking for another scan but they just put the pains down to chemo …Then he also got sepsis .He was so weak couldn’t even walk .I had to rush him into hospital as they said I would be quicker than ambulance. He stabilized for another fortnight then the pain got worse. Had to call nurses out every 2hrs even though I was giving him pain relief orally .Back to hospital he went .Spent 10 days.
I hardly rung or txt me so I had a horrible feeling things had gone done hill
He was scanned the cancer had spread to his liver and started to go into his lungs .Hospital stopped all treatment
Told him he had weeks or months .He was home 4 days .the pain was so bad he had to go into Sue ryder where he died 3 days later
Even writing my story I am crying so much
When he died they forgot to bury me .I couldn’t have children and he was my soulmate,my bestfriend my world and my breathing apparatus to life…
I have started self harming to take the pain away from my heart …I truly wished I died instead of him …I spend every day ccrying.I seem to be in a fog .The world keeps going but I have stopped the day he died .I just live on cereal biscuits cakes sandwiches…I hurt fo much I have encased myself in steel…Had 2months of phone calls from cruse .they said they can’t help me I need specialist help.My gp referred me to mental health team and have been going there face to face .Masks on and across a room and now they said although they are not discharging me , they cannot help unless my barriers are down…
I do get that …but I am stuck and I dont know how to do it
What happens to me now I do not know . My heart is bleeding to death and I will die of a broken heart or something else .I cannot stand this pain .I just want my darling husband…
Nothing matters anymore.

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My hubby was 54 and all our plans shattered. In a single sentence…The pain of my husbands cancer has traumatized me and I relive that day after day .I have been diagnosed with complicated grief/ptsd .
I am in the same very moment my husband died 6 months ago

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I am so very sorry you are in so much pain and turmoil. I can’t begin to imagine what you have been through. You must feel so helpless and alone without your soulmate. i think we are still in so much shock,and can’t take it all in. I hope coming here amongst people who really understand what you are going through will be some comfort to you. Sending hugs

Hi @Shorty123, @Tillwemeetagain & @Gentle5,
We have all suffered what can only be described as total shock as our “young” men were fine until a few weeks before they passed away. I am so sorry you have all had to go through this as I know only too well the distress it causes. The shock goes on as we have to deal with the funeral, the paperwork, and everything else over the weeks from his death. Made so much harder by Covid.
Crying is a release but it is exhausting grieving. It doesn’t matter how much sleep you get or don’t get you feel totally and utterly exhausted. Your head is so full of your grieving you cannot even begin to think of anything else. You can’t even bring up memories and you can panic that you might forget but you don’t. Slowly the memories come back. However painful they may feel just now, I am sure they will bring comfort to us in the future. We are all here to support each other and share the grief that we go through, Grief is never the same for anyone and there is no right or wrong it’s just whatever way we go through it.
I am 11mths down and still can’t believe my future is without him. I like many, try to live just today, not looking back or forward and I think that helps to some extent.
I hate the “stay strong” so won’t use it but I do with you all strength to get through this horrible time and hope sometime in the future we can learn to live with our grief and find some happiness.
Shona xx

Yes, at first you are in so much shock. With me, the days afterwards were a blur, organising everything, notifying people, organising the funeral, it all seemed like it was happening to someone else. I couldn’t cry, I still can’t really, I feel so heartbroken that he had to go through all that trauma, mentally and physically, and I try and block certain things from my memory as they are too painful. I hope with time the pain will lessen and I will remember all the wonderful times we had and smile, I keep telling myself, that’s what he would have wanted.

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Before my husband died he was really worried that I wouldn’t cope well .He knew me so well .He said he had the easy part to die…I would have died gladly a million times over if he could have lived .
The last 6 months have been a blur .I have slept 4 months of it with sleeping pills …Time isn’t healing or helping me nothing is .I have to put myself to sleep to be safe …I seem to be inconsolable.

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I do not know that word happiness. Although its negative of me .but I know in my heart .I will never be happy again
I feel like a mad woman .going crazy .pacing the rooms crying. Even in a ball in a corner. Nothing seems to help me .My so called friends have vanished.Covid isolates you
I really can’t see a future for me .I am not even in a bubble .So when I say I am on my own I am
No children. Relatives 4hrs drive away ,which we cant do …For me there is no reason for anything x

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@Shorty123, please consider counselling. It really helped me. Sue Ryder do it as do Cruse. I don’t want you hurting yourself and I’m sure your husband wouldn’t want to see you in pain. We need help. Speak to your GP and maybe think about counselling. We are here to help you.
Shona xx

@Shorty123. I feel your pain.

We were married for 36yrs and we had been together for 40yrs. I could not have children and he was my life and always will be as I carry him in my heart.

He died Christmas Eve 2020, for 4 days after his death I couldn’t get out of bed. I started to keep a journal, things I thought about, questions, feelings, pain etc, I still write in it everyday.

I have coucilling through the hospice (I didn’t know they offered it till a friend told me), I use the things I have written in the journal to inform the discussion as its the only way I can handle it. Does it help? I don’t know, its to early to say, but it can’t do any harm surely.

My husband loved life and I have made a promise that I will live my life in honour of him (I don’t know how yet). The only thing I do know is he would want me to take the tiny steps of getting out of bed and doing the normal houshold chores as always, so that is what I do. It takes every ounce of strenght I have but I do it for him.

Focus on the tiny steps, the bigger ones will follow in time, be kind to yourself, keep talking as your expriences will help others.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, xx

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So so sorry for your lose together with the pain and anger the NHS has coursed which at most times take us to a place where our minds and thoughts don’t wont to be at and doesn’t let our souls morn in peace.

I must admit from time to time I do tell myself that as and when one day when I got the head for it, but as soon I


I have no time for the nhs, they failed my husband, they have lost the ability to treat the whole person. I’m sure some nhs staff do have empathy and compassion, I just haven’t met them, in my experience, you are just another number, like the ones before you and the ones who will come after you.

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