Can't cope

Need some advise, I’m currently on a waiting list for brevement counselling but I’m getting more and more frustrated, my father died suddenly December 2016 just 3 days after I told him I was pregnant, I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time, I had to perform CPR on him, I was so strong throughout the pregnancy not letting myself get too stressed as I was so focussed on the baby. Now 6 weeks after birth I’ve been to see my GP and they’ve told me I have delayed grieving, my mood swings are getting uncontrollable and I tend to take it out on my partner and we end up in a screaming match where he’s telling me he won’t put up with it any longer so it’s also effecting my relationship. Please can anyone give me some advised on how to cope and deal with these situations? Thanks

Morning Jessica
I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad, it must have been a truely trumatic time for you, losing you dad after hearing the wonderful news of your pregnancy. Unfortunately those of use who have suffered a severe loss have found out that grief cannot be avoided, eventually, once all destractions are gone, it will come and get you. I myself and my husband were very surprised by the anger part of grief, but at the beginning, in amounts all the despair and sadness, there is extreme anger too. Anger at losing a loved one, anger at being left here to cope alone. Even though you, like me, probably have loads of support, it does not replace the person we have lost.
Counselling has helped me so I hope you do not have to wait to long, but I know that it can be a bit hit and miss. Maybe see if there are any support groups in your area or join some more Facebook groups and forums like this, just talk about your dad.
People in general do not know how to deal with people who are grieving so hopefully you have some good friends who can help you.

Be kind to yourself and take care
Janet

Hi Janet,

Thank you for taking your time to reply to my comment, I did not think of looking on Facebook for groups, that’s definitely something I will do. How do you manage your anger now if you don’t mind me asking? I seem to struggle with that side and loose my temper on my partner, it’s come to it now where he’s telling me he will no longer put up with (I can’t blame him either) because I shouldn’t even be doing it but it’s just something that I can’t seem to control at the moment.

Thanks again
Jessica

Hi Jessica
Thank you for your reply to my post. I would only have moments of anger but my husband found it more difficult to control. I think it was actually the frustration at himself that as a dad he was unable to protect our son, so there is a lot of guilt also in it, and as with most anger it is easier to take it out on the ones closest to us but it was almost like he was eager for someone to have a go back at him to give him a way to vent his anger. This has got better as time has gone on a little, the realisation that there was no way we could of known what was going to happen and that we in reality have little control in what happens in our lives.
You are angry that you have lost your dad, that he has not had the chance to see his grandchild. You need time for yourself, sometimes I just take myself away for an hour, sit in my bedroom and write a letter to my son, write out my emotions have a really good cry to make sure I do not bottle anything up that could build up in me, I have some really good friends that I can talk to plus the counselling helps to.
Most importantly grieve for your dad, you have kept yourself controlled for many months and grief comes on us whether we like it or not. Please be kind to yourself, you need time.
Janet

Hi Jessica so sorry for your loss, it was very traumatic for you. My dad died suddenly in March I cried a lot thought I was grieving well! Then developed anger and relationship anxiety , my mother in law then died was an expected bereavement but it tipped me over the edge my partner left me I think so of that was due to his own grief as he has gone into auto and hasn’t allowed himself to grieve yet but a lot of it was me and anger, I had bereavement counselling far to soon but now started psychotherapy it’s helping, just try and learn alternative methods of communication hard as I couldn’t when I wasn’t in it! Especially with a child I didn’t have the added pressure, their is a lot of support here and we all know in a round about way how grief can effect you it made me pretty crazy I have to say! sending hugs xx

Hi Janet,

Did your husband get any help at all? Or did he just learn to control it over time?

Do you feel better after writing how you feel down? I’ve not thought about that, I’ve tried taking myself from the situation when arguing with my partner by trying to walk away and stay complete silence but as soon as he says ‘you’re having an attitude’ as I walk away it starts me off, I’ve spoken to him about it and explained that if I walk away in silence just leave me be as it triggers me to lose my temper otherwise, I am slowly taking control of this but think it will take some time.

I’m trying my best to stay in control, but at the moment I’m having a lot of flash back, especially when I’m trying to sleep at night, I close my eyes and then I just see myself performing CPR on my father all over again, and it all just repeats over and over again in my mind, so I find it really hard to shut off, the flash backs are really starting to get to me, I’ve still not heard anything back from counselling as they’ve said it could be months rather then weeks, I’m juat don’t know what else there is I could do?

Your replies back really do give me a peace of mind.

Thank you so much
Jessica

Hi Wease

Thank you for your comment. How do you find Pyschotherapy? What does that include, if you don’t mind me asking? As I’m still on the waiting list for counselling, they say it could be months rather than weeks. I just don’t know what else I can do, don’t like to see my GP as I think he’ll just put me on antidepressants and that’s not what I want. It’s been sending me pretty crazy too I’ll admit, I used to be pretty laid back and chilled now I’m so uptight and worry so much it’s making me crazy. Xx

Hi Jessica, it’s looking at the link between trauma thoughts and behaviours I have found it useful, I to am on anti depressants have been for 8 weeks was anti them but they have really helped me taken the edge of things and I’m
Not as angry or worked up either, but their not for everyone. I felt crazy to, there are some grief books on amazon and some cognitive behaviour books they may be a starting point if you can focus or have time , mindfulness on utube helps me and that’s free there’s a lot of things on there to try to at least relax it’s so difficult as grief is a awful thing and effects how you behave and react to things xx

Hi Wease,

I used to be on antidepressants 18months ago, I was ok them for 3 years, I found them very addictive and would get whithdrawals if I hadn’t taken them that day, that’s something I don’t want to go back too, so I’m just trying my luck with anything at the moment, I ordered a book off eBay couple of days ago about how to stop negative thinking, hopefully that’s give me some tips. I’ve tried YouTube also but I can’t seem to concentrate and relax listening to it.

Thanks for the tips xx

Hi Jessica I understand that, the books are really good and useful maybe that will tide you over until the counselling , I couldn’t at first with the u tube but I did it for a min then extended it and now I can concentrate, hope the book helps take care xx

Hi Jessica. Hope today is ok for you. You have been through such a trumatic experience and it will take time. With anger and grief I am afraid that one size does not fit all. I find writing letters to me son, lighting a candle next to his photo, writing my emotions down helps to focus my mind and to concentrate on what I really feel but this might no be for everyone. My husband has taken up ramming again over the past few week and has found that this has helped with his anger. It is a time for him to be alone in his head and I think the exercise really helps him. I have heard lots of people say that exercise can really help but again you will need to find what helps you.
I am on no medication as the doctor I go to is not keen and will only use it as a last resort, especially at this early stage but I do not rule it out for the future if I need it as medication and counselling/therapy can really help some people.
Please do not be hard on yourself, you have been through so much. I cannot imagine having to do cpr on a loved one and them passing away. Be proud of yourself for getting out of bed in the morning, we need to take little steps each day.
Take care
Janet

Sorry, should say running.

Hi Janet,

Today’s been a pretty good day, finally found some motivation to redecorate, my dad had his own office in our home and I’ve converted it into my own living room, but keeping it the same as when dad was there I found quite difficult to sit there and watch tele, as I would just get reminders of him being in the room and feel like I shouldn’t be in there, so I’m hoping with a lick of pain, and a new sofa will help me feel more comfortable, I do feel more positive today though, mainly because I’m happy how the room has turned out and excited to wait for our new sofa to be delivered, it’s definitely taken my mind off a few things. I’m waiting to restart the gym but I’m still recovering from the emergency C section I had so will be a few weeks yet, I’m hoping exercise will help make me feel better too. You seem to be incontrol of your feelings, and how you feel, and seem so positive, I worry that something soon will trigger me and I’ll be feeling down again.

Hope you’ve had a good day.
Jessica

Hi Jessica
I am so glad you had a better day, it is strange how you can have a relatively good day which might be followed by a not so good day, just face each day one at a time. My mum passed away 11 months before my son was killed. She lived with us so after she died I was at first totally unable to sort her things, but I managed to do it a little at a time and eventually we redecorated and my daughter moved into it as it is a larger room. I know my mum would not have minded.
Sometimes I, like everyone in this position, feel overwhelmed by my grief. Sometimes it is very hard to live this way, this is why I write just to get my feelings expressed but everyone is very different and you will find the things that help you to cope.
Take care
Janet

Hi Janet,

Hope you’re well, do you mind me asking how old was your son? I don’t think my father would of minded me redecorating either, he would of told me to get on with it lol. My mother only sorted out his clothes last month as she wasn’t able to face it before, we all do it in our time I guess. I’ve recently bought a book online how to stop negative thinking, it came back today so I’m gonna give that a read tonight and see what it’s all about, hopefully will give me some tips.

Thanks for your help Janet
Hope today was a brighter day for you

Jessica

Hi Jessica
I hope your weekend is going ok. In answer to your question, my son is 24 and was in Germany working for 1 day when he had an accident and was killed. 18 months ago there were 6 of us in our family which included my mum, now just this little while later, we are down to 4,I feel like my family is shrinking and all I know is nothing in my life will ever be as hard as watching my mum die and then having the dreaded knock on the door from the police.
I do not understand why all this has happened to me and I expect I never will, but what I have realised that I am not alone in my suffering. Many people have had similar situations to me, one lady had lost her daughter and 2 grandchildren in an accident.
Some days I wonder how I am going to live this life, but I have no choice, my other children need me and their brother would want his little brother and sister to be happy, I hope one day they will be, all I know is that I have to live with this hole in my soul that belongs to my son and nothing will fill it until I see him again. I know my mum will look after him until I see them both again.
I find it helpful to listen to podcast, watch videos and read about other people grief journey and how they managed, just to know that there could be life after grief.
Hope the rest of your weekend goes ok
Janet

Hi Janet,

Weekends not too bad, baby’s keeping me on my toes :),

I’m so sorry to hear about you son, I can’t imagine how you must of felt when you had that knock at the door. And about your mother, it is hard to watch someone die and not being able to do anything about it. I had to watch my Nan die to cancer 2 years ago, it was hard. I have different feelings though compare to the feelings I get about my dad, I feel that I could prepare myself when my Nan went as we knew it was coming, and with my job, I’ve specialised in palliative care (end of life) so I felt that my job helped me as I’ve experienced it before, I had my cry and grieved over my Nan but I was stronger whereas it was so sudden with my father, he just stood up from his computer and callapsed. I find that its grief but also shock as well as we just wasn’t expecting it. But I’m learning now that everyday is a new day and keep telling myself to be a stronger person than I was yesterday, it’s slowly helping but still think that I need to speak to a counsellor as get professional help.

Hope you’re having a lovely weekend
Take care
Jessica

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