Can't cope

I recently lost my dad, he had kidney failure and got septis. He had a cardiac arrest and ended up in intensive care in an induced coma. He moved up to the ilse of wight when he became ill so the last four years I have struggled to see him as often as I’d wish. When I heard the news I travelled straight there and was there holding his hand. We were told that they will only continue his treatment if they saw brain activity. The day I was going home I was told they saw brain activity and they wished to continue to the treatment - I left with hope and telling him I was only going to be gone for a few days and I’d be straight back up. Once we got onto the ferry we found out that they needed a neurologist to double check, as he seems to not be waking up. The journey home felt ages and only an hour away we were told he was in a vegetivie state and they would have to turn the machines off. I’m in shock and I feel maybe in denial as it just feels like he’s miles away. He’s been in an induced coma twice before with septis and always pulled through so we didn’t see this coming. I feel like I can’t move on with life without him, I wonder what was going through his head during his last few minutes and it pains me not to speak to him or see him. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get through this.

Dear Emmatim,

I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will help. When you’ve desperately clung to every glimmer of hope it’s dreadful when you have to give it up and let despair take over.

I lost my mum in February and I don’t want to move on or get on with my life without her. You are torturing yourself wondering about what was going through his head at the end but I do exactly the same thing with my mum. I have to keep going over her last days and hours and picking over things even though I realise it’s all quite useless. In my case I think I just try to accept the grief and don’t try to fight it.

The raw emotion in your letter is obvious so I think you must have been a very loving and devoted daughter.


Thanks for your reply, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and same with you there’s nothing I can say that could take away the pain. I’m travelling up soon for his funeral and it’s going to be so hard getting on that ferry… the usual excited feeling is gonna be crushed. I feel angry at everyone getting on with their life’s and I just can’t, he’s true only person I wanted to make proud now I feel like my goals will not be the same without him here to tell

I will be thinking of you. My dearest soul mate who died I had his body brought over the the IOW and had him buried here I visit his grave often and its the only thing that keeps me here. It is hard I dont know if he is going to be cremated or buried on the island the one small thing to cling to its a beautiful cemetery facing towards the sea which I know doesnt ease the sadness and like yourself every day is a struggle but hope you can find strength

I’m so sorry to hear this! My dad is being cremated and we’re bringing him back to Nottingham we’re he wanted to be! Same to you I hope you can find strength