Hi my Dad died suddenly last July, it was very sudden from one minute having a conversation to having to drag him to the floor and try CPR . It was very traumatic and I am finding increasingly difficult to cope with as I feel useless because the CPR didnt work. On top of this my Mum is not coping. She was awful to my Dad and a few weeks before he passed he phoned me to say he couldnt cope with her anymore. I try my best to be there for her, but shes turning all the nastyness she had towards him on me and sometimes becomes quite abusive. She wont eat properly and has now decided she wants to be a vegetarian but wont eat many vegetables . She now probably weighs 7st if that. When I try mention it she says it feels good to be so thin after years of being overweight.
She desperately wanted a dog so last Nov we got one from a rescue. She adores the dog and in some ways it has been good, but now she says she cant walk so fortunately has a big back garden so the dog goes in there. My husband and I try go down nearly every day to walk her, but then she says you got me the dog and now youre taking her away from me but with more expletives. I spent 3 weeks decorating her bedroom.and putting in new furniture and carpet, her dog spent time upstairs with me and she got really angry saying its her dog not mine. I do suspect there is some dementia or something creeping but refuses point blank to go to the GP.
When I come home from her house I just feel so upset I spend most of the time either fuming or crying. Im beginning to resent her and dont feel like ive had the time to grieve myself. I totally understand that after 60 years her whole life has been altered and she is grieving herself. On top of this my Auntie died in the Sept from a brain wasting disease and spent the last year of her life with locked in syndrome. I spent the last week of her life with her and watched her literally waste away. For years my Mum complained about her too and didnt even go see her once in the nursing home, but when she died she made it all about her and how much she thought about her. Sorry for this long rant and if no one replies thats fine, i just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you
Hey @NurseGladys, it was important for you to get this out or else it would affect you, it is tough parenting a parent and by everything your wrote it shows how amazing you as a daughter and person are and trust me god will bless you in so many ways.
Don’t take things very personally and maintain your boundaries, everything will get better. I recently learnt this that things are impermanent and just trust the process, you are an amazing soul. Take care and reach out whenever you want
I feel for you I really do. Perhaps it might be an idea to contact your mums GP and advise them of your concerns. They might then write to her saying she needs to come in for a review. My mum has Parkinson’s and dementia. My dad died on Christmas Eve 2022 and my husband died in April 2023 his death was very unexpected. He was my carer and my sons . We are now living with my mother owing to the fact she can’t be left on her own. My mum and dad had a very strained relationship and I blame my mum in part for my dad’s death. It sounds as if your mum is suffering with attachment anxiety possibly caused by the loss of her sister and her husband. Her behaviour regarding the dog seems to point to this. Sadly I understand her possible resentment towards you, I guess you are closest in the firing line. It’s not acceptable and you should try and call her out on it. You may have done so already I don’t know. I think it’s important to remind her that she is grieving as well and that you understand her anger and outbursts, but remind her you do still have each other. It sounds as if you have taken on the mothering role and her the child. That’s very hard and again it could be indicative of underlying heath issues. It may be an idea to remind her that you have lost your dad and you don’t want to loose her as well and that you need her to see GP for your own pice of mind. It’s possible she knows something isn’t right and is scared to find out what it could be. I think you may need to perhaps remind her that she taught you how important it is to be able to walk and look after a dog and you are only doing what you have learnt as being the right way to treat a dog. I’m guessing the dog is now her companion and she is aware of the issues but is petrified of it being taken away. Judy give her some reassurance, get a dog walker so you don’t have to do it all the time. Good luck take care xx
Thank you so much for your reply . I am hoping it will not be permanent and hopefully things will get better. I do say a little.prayer everyday for the strength to carry on and for things to improve for my Mum too.
Xxx
Thank you for replying. Yes i think shes very scared and lonely and does know theres something not right thats why she lashes out. I used to work for a GP and have friends still there so I have thought about getting a phone appt to discuss my concerns about her. I have been down today and she started being unreasonable so I told her I was tired of arguing with her and wont do it anymore. She was ok after that.
Im definitely going to suggest the dog walker so it doesnt all boil down to.us doing it.
You are in a very difficult situation too and my thoughts go out to you xx
Sending much love as I know you uave had a lot of things to deal with too xx
Thankyou, I am very young and I lost my mother very suddenly, and taking her responsilities with my career going downhill is something I am dealing with, being okay with things and at the same time taking care of dad and grandmom gets to me. I try my best, thankyou for your kind words
If you need to talk just nessage me. What a very courageous andnkind person you are, i hope your career dosent suffer too much and if it has it gets back on track. Sorry for your loss xx
Thanks for saying that, I would like to reach out someday and talk about our grieving experience, you too feel free to txt me anytime. I am always happy to hear. If you have any updates as well if things are getting better or you are having any low day reach out. Lets help each other out and get stronger and resilient
That sounds like a plan. Speak soon.