Can't you feel guilty doing things

Lost my mom 3 weeks ago suddenly and unexpectedly. She was only 58 and had no health ailments.
I am unable to do the usual routine stuff. I remember not brushing and showering in the first week. While I have started doing that, I still don’t feel like eating. I eat the minimum in one meal. I skip lunch and breakfast. I feel guilty to eat. I feel guilty to watch tv. The only thing I do is read grief articles, watch grief videos and how to cope, after life videos and spend time on this site. If I do anything else, I feel I am moving on and I have accepted the reality and if I have accepted the reality then I am ok with this loss. But I am not ok, not at all ok. So I don’t do anything. My sister and dad do not talk much Abt mom with me anymore because they want me to move forward. I don’t think a lot of people will understand but this is just how I am. I have overwhelming emotions going on inside me.
I know my mom would want me to eat and be happy but her chance to live a long life was robbed off her. How can I do it. Why there is no option to leave the world when your person leaves the world.
Do any of you face this issue? Moving on/forward seems like you are ok with the loss and therefore you do not do it …


I know how you feel how can we move on leaving loved ones in the past. I’m struggling like you and this morning I’m in floods of tears again. It doesn’t seem to get any easier in fact I feel worse with all the firsts . First Xmas, first valentines, first birthday it never ends. I don’t know why people say to move on it seems so final . Take things at your own place everyone’s grief is different x

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I know exactly how your feeling and I’m so sorry for your loss. lost my little brother 5 weeks ago at the age of 29. People keep telling me he wouldn’t want me to be sad and he’ll want me to move on with my life but I can’t. I keep thinking about all the things I miss about him and what he’s going to miss. When my family and I talk about him they seem to be able to smile and laugh at the quirky things he did but I just feel guilt for smiling. Life just doesn’t seem to have any meaning anymore and people say you need to learn to cope in a world without him when I don’t want to. I’m the same as you I don’t want to move on because the reality is moving on without him

I am so very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. There are no hard and fast rules regarding grief we all deal with it differently. Please do not be so hard on yourself it’s only been three weeks but you do have to keep your strength up as you are going to need it. I’m not going to lie to you it will get far worse before it even begins to get better. I lost my husband suddenly 11 months ago and each day is a struggle and yes I do feel guilty when I have a good day but I cannot punish myself any more. I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. I haven’t planned for a life on my own but somehow I must. It’s gonna take time and it won’t be easy but please try to take care of yourself. I am sure it’s what your mum would want.

Much love

Unfortunately it is a relief to know others are with you going through similar pain.
I don’t know how can I keep going like this. This pain is so deep and I can’t describe in words how I am feeling. But I know you have the exact same pain and you know what I am talking about.
I keep asking the same question WHY?
The world has collapsed. I would rather have the worst physical pain than this.
I just want my mom back. I want her back.
Please stay in touch. We will help each other. Hugs.


Yes, I am not in the stage yet where we talk about good memories and smile. I feel guilty. Why is this needed? Why is the person not here. I would have understood if my mom was 80+. But she was only 58! I can totally understand your situation. Your brother was only 29.
This shouldn’t have happened to us and to them.
Mornings are so difficult for me. So so difficult.
Please stay in touch. Hugs!

Hi Georgina, thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry for your loss. this is the worst phase of my life and I know yours too.
I am struggling every second of the day.
We have to keep going on as you said but unable to do it . It scares me to keep going without her in my life.
Please take care and I will try to do the same. I know I will fail but I have to try.

Such wise words Kath. Of course our loved ones will be with us forever in our heart. We have to move on we have no choice. However heartbroken we are, however much we feel our life is not worth living - it is. Life is for the living and we have to grasp every second of it. I know for sure my darling John would want me to soldier on taking care of our two sons and four gorgeous grandchildren who have suffered as much as me.

Big hugs from me.

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Hi I lost my daughter in October she was only 36 I have her daughters living with me now, it’s so hard I have lots off guilt even if I just smile or laugh, and still cry all the time we take her fresh flowers and visit for a chat but it’s not enough I want her back so much I feel my heart breaks more each day, sending you hugs xx

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Think what your lovely mum would want you to do . Would she want you to not eat, mums were the ones that when you were younger made us eat our dinners.
Don’t feel quilty about the bathing thing and don’t feel guilty about watching TV. Allow your self time to grieve yes but watching TV may just take your mind off of the hurt, upset and grief. Its not wrong to allow yourself this and doesn’t mean you have forgotten about mom.
Is it wrong to move on…no, how are you going to live your life without doing so. We can’t remain in that moment forever.
People tackle loss differently. I have found my sister doesn’t really want to talk about it whereas my brother does. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it , some peoples is delayed. Its very early days for you . Dont beat yourself up about what you should and shouldn’t be doing but just be mindful of your own health xxx

Hi Sue,

Thanks for reaching out. Sorry for your loss. We all are going through so much. This is the first time I have encountered grief and this is unbearable.
Your daughter was so young to go. It’s so unfair. My mom was also just 58 and wanted to visit me in Seattle this year. You have your girl’s daughters. I hope they are doing ok. This is such a bad phase of our lives and seems like we will always stay in it .

Hi Rosie,
.I know you are right. My mom will be unhappy if I don’t eat and smile. That was her only goal. She wanted me to be happy. Her life revolved around me and mine around her.
I have this constant battle with myself. My sane brain knows I shouldn’t feel guilty but my emotional side makes me feel extreme guilty. I have started therapy and also on anti depressants.
Thanks for your words. You made me feel better.

Hi I am still waiting for my grife counciling and can never get in doctors to get any help it’s like your left to just get on with it x

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A mother so often tends to be seen as the centre of a family ( we kow Dads are as important too) and the loss of such an iportant person does seem unbearable.

In your lifetime, your Mum will have protected you, seen you go through many different experiences, offered you her unconditional love, support and acceptance. She has, because of that, given you the tools and knowledge to live your life. She will have known that one day, you would have to learn to cope without her and that is why she has given you so much and gently and carefully raised you to be the person you are.

Give yourself time to be sad, tearful and grieve, they are necessary in the healing process from grief. Others are here to support you as best they can, you just need to reach out and we will hold your hand and get you through this. x


I can’t do any of the things that were normal before this. Apart from look after the kids. I used to sit on my sofa every night and watch tv while FaceTiming mum or messaging her. Now I feel guilty that I can still do that and she cant. I can barely eat. 4 weeks of barely eating. I can’t laugh. I can barely smile. She cant do any of those things now so why should I? She loved her cosy little life. She was happy and content. Now I can’t be any of that because she cant be anymore. This is hard. So hard. I feel how you are feeling. Hugs xx

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Hi Beth,

Sorry for responding late. Yes, you are right. Mothers train you to endure the worst possible situations in life. I am just angry that it happened so early in our lives. We had so many plans. She was so eager to meet me this year. I was planning things. My dad is broken now. He has lost his best friend. it happened so suddenly. Never expected this to happen. My mom is my whole world. I feel guilty of smiling, eating etc. I just want to go to her. Living without her is very difficult. But thanks so much for your healing words. It helped.

Yes! Thanks for understanding. I have such a strong feeling not guilt today. I always think about that second she passed away and it hurts me. Even that day she texted me and when I didn’t respond for 5-10 minutes she got concerned. Her life revolved around me.
I just don’t know how I can continue living like this.

But you will continue to live, you owe it to your Mum to make the best of what you have.

In time we must learn to accept things that in the early days seem beyond our acceptance.

Be kind to yourself. Love value and cherish all that you are blessed with and in time, you will accept that living does, though perhaps slightly differently, continue.

If we can be a blessing and offer love and support to those around us, we are on the long road to acceptance and recovery.

There will be difficult days and we will face those, there will be tears and sadness and we will learn that that is a normal part of grieving. We only get one chance to live this life, so we must each in our own way, live each day in the very best way we can.

Sending a big hug to wrap you in for the difficult times.


Thanks Beth. Your words are very comforting. My mom was always a giving person. She took care of family members, stray animals, and others outside the family who needed support. I should do the same and be like her.
I know we have to accept and keep living but why does it feel so difficult. I will try. Have been trying so far. Didn’t completely give up. I think mom is giving me the strength I need.
Thanks so much!

I lost my son nearly 6 months ago and feel guilty doing everything. Just keep wishing he was here doing all the things we used to do its so hard at the moment xx

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