Can't sleep tonight/this morning!!

Hi all. I’ve just joined this community so hello to all. My husband died 16th June last year. It’s fast approaching the one year mark and its only 1 day until I face the day he got admitted to hospital and then died 5 weeks later of cancer.
I haven’t slept all night for some reason tonight! I guess everything is becoming fresh in my mind as the day approaches that he got taken away.
I am 38. My husband was 44. We have 2 children. A boy aged 8 and our little girl aged 2. She was only 17 months when he passed away and he never even got to see her walking.
I believe I’ve coped pretty well. I’ve had my bad moments (lots!) but I know he wanted me to carry on living for myself and our 2 children. And I have, totally. He said to me the day before he passed that he just wanted me and the kids to be happy. To be safe. And just live life.
I’ve been looking through these pages for months now and I haven’t a clue why I joined tonight. I guess it’s just got to that stage where people start to live their own lives and carry on. Which I’m more than happy to accept of course.
I guess I just feel a tad lonely now that people are getting on.
And I’m also feeling a bit guilty if I’m honest. I feel maybe people think that I’m heartless because I have got on with my life. They say I’ve been amazing but what they really think is probably totally the honest. I know my life is my own and as long as our kids are happy and looked after (which they are!) Then I should just carry on with how I’m going.
I just wanted a chance to blurt out a few things I suppose!! And to hopefully hear that someone else is managing ok and that I’m not a heartless person at all. I miss my husband every day. I had his name tattoed on my shoulder when we found out he was dying as a promise to him he’d be with me always. We haven’t moved any photos or anything since. I guess I just found the strength to get myself up and live this life that I’m lucky to be in.
Please don’t judge me. I already doubt myself! As I said. Just thought this may be a good place to talk to

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Hi, I’m very sorry for your loss almost a year ago now. This is exactly the place to come to talk things over, and get your thoughts and feelings out, without fear of being judged or criticised. It’s not surprising you have had a bad night after all you have been through and the approaching anniversary.

If anyone thinks you are heartless there must be something wrong with them. What you have done for your children just shows how much heart you have. I’ve no doubt that is exactly what your husband would have wanted, and he said as much to you, and really what other people think doesn’t much matter compared with that.

You have somehow managed to stay strong for your children who need you more than ever, and any right minded person can only admire and respect you for that. I don’t see how you can have had the chance to grieve fully, and I hope you can get support from family and friends and professionals when you need it. So please - don’t doubt yourself or feel guilty for being there for your children and carrying on with life. It’s what they need from you more than anything, and you should feel proud of what you have done and what you are doing for them.

With very best wishes and admiration for keeping going for your children.

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