Cant stop blaming myself for my dear Pappa's demise

My pappa passed away this January. He had a heart attack in October and I flew to him the next day, although he suffered in the first hospital, we could save him by moving to a better hospital. I stayed with him for 45 days. he was getting well, but his kidneys were affected and needed daily dialysis. Doctors told he is out of danger and now only need dialysis and may hopefully wont require after couple of weeks. I had to fly back as my 8 year was calling every day and I had works to finish. My pappa asked if I could stay as he is comfortable when I am around, but when he heard my daughter crying for me, he said it is ok. I thought to return in 2 weeks. My brother who was there initially had to go and was expected to return in a week. My uncle and ma told they will take care. My pa but insisted me to move him to another hospital near our home, which despite my ma’s concerns I did. I then left him. the next day I was told he was in ICU and stayed there for 10 days and then my brother came. I could not go back or did I not?? I thought of moving him back, but pa did not agree. After my brother went to him, in 2 weeks, his kidneys got ok, dialysis stopped and doctors said he can be soon discharged. So I postponed my journey and thought I would go to him after xmas holidays, when the school starts in january so my daughter will be engaged. The next day after school reopened, pa suddenly collapsed and died. I was told that he is in ventilator and only knew when I was there. I could hardly see him for 10 minutes and I am still in shock. i feel guilty for having moved him from the hospital and left him, when my brother was not there. I should have been with him and made sure that he is fully ok. I cant stop reliving. I loved him a lot. He was so caring and loving. I want him back, cant live without him. I should have been more thoughtful and assess the results of my actions. I could have told my daughter to be patient, my husband was with her. I feel angry at my husband for not supporting me and telling me to stay back and prioritise my pappa.

Hi Saml,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about your dear pappa passing away, and that you are struggling with so much guilt. Guilt is a very common part of grief, but it doesn’t mean that you actually did anything wrong. As you were living a plane journey away from him, and had a family back home, it sounds as though you were in a really tough situation. You did the best you could based on the information you had at the time.

Anger is also a really common part of grief, but perhaps you are angry at the situation more than at your husband? It sounds as though he couldn’t have predicted what would happen any more than you could.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as this is a safe space to write openly about what you are feeling - which is much better for you than bottling things up. While you wait for more replies to your post, you might also find it helpful to have a read of some posts by other people who have lost a parent, and post a reply if you’d like to talk to them.

For example, Spring is also feeling guilty about some things that happened when her mum died:

Carley also lost her dad in January:

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about the site, just let me know.

Community Manager

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Thank you so much for the kind words Priscilla and for this forum… I can see others similarly grieving and going through tougher situations… I am trying to cope and find peace… the shock comes every now and then … i find myself saying he is no more…gone…where… hmmm

Hi all,

I am still struggling every day… Though some days were ok, I cant get over my guilt and seems am still in denial stage… I cant believe my father is no more… I feel like I let him down… I may need counselling… dont kniw how and where to get… cant think straight