Can't stop crying

My husband died a month ago he had a virus, coronavirus was a million miles away it couldn’t be here yet. By the time we realised how serious things were it was too late and I lost him. He was talanted, gental, funny, messy and loving. I really want to go with him but I have 4 year old twins and I can break their hearts even more. When they are with me I can pretend I’m okay, when I am alone I cry constantly (I used to never cry). I am cut off from my family and friends and trapped in a home without him. I don’t feel like I have a life left to live I’m just marking time until I can join him. I am 40 years old and the thought of how much time I might have without him fills me with dispare. One we’ll meaning friend on the phone suggested thet 17 years was longer than most relationships last so I should be greatful. I don’t feel grateful I feel cheated. Can’t help thinking that the children have lost the better parent, I don’t know how to be a lone parent. I don’t know how to live without my soulmate.

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Barbara2 my heart breaks for you, I’m so so sorry for your loss you are an amazing mummy to your twins they need you you need yourself. You are a strong person what your feeling is normal I lost my partner 2 weeks ago after 19 years together and ppl say the same like oh you had them years more than other couples like y do they even say that. He is and will always be your soul mate always. I hate the thought of carrying on without my baby the thought of living on my own terrifies me. Sending a big hug :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

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It’s good to cry let the tears flow I didn’t realise I had that many tears I just start crying randomly were all here for each other on this amazing supportive site I joined 1 week ago everybody is amazing they really are xxx

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Barbara2,
My heart goes out to you, so sorry for your loss.
Why is life so cruel, it’s unbelievable.
You are strong, to find the strength to push through in front of your lovely twins, it must be so hard.
People don’t think before they say things, or they just don’t realise how we are feeling, how could they, until it happens to them. I t doesn’t help with people being unintentionally insensitive , it does make you hurt more with their words.
You’re a good mum, our thoughts are with you,
Please keep in touch on this site, there’s lots of people that will listen, you won’t feel so alone.
Love to you and your twins.
Steph x

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Hi Barbara2, I am truly sorry to hear about your husband. I only joined this site yesterday. Well meaning friends have caused me a lot of distress too. Although with two very young twins you could no doubt do with physical help and company, hopefully you can gain much needed moral support from others on this site.
It’s a n experience none of us ever wanted and we are all learners in finding a way to cope without the love of our life. I know I should feel grateful to have had such a lovely husband for 35 years but I still wanted more. All of us on this site feel the same I am sure.
Thinking of you

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Your right forever would never have been long enough for me. I’m worried the children won’t remember him when they are older. I don’t know how to help them with their grief.

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In the midst of our own grief none of us knows how to help our children however old they are. watching my sons , who are grown men, sob their hearts out after losing their dad has been a painful experience beyond description. your little boys will be missing their daddy but at the moment as long as they have you to provide some stability and love their world won’t have fallen apart. I don’t underestimate for one second how hard it must be for you to see their needs before your own when there has never been a time when you could do with more support. I am absolutely convinced they won’t forget your husband. they are his living legacy.
Everything is still so raw for you I am sure this seems impossible .
I do so hope you can gain the support you need from this site . Unfortunately there will be others grieving while trying to look after young children. Thinking of you

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Hi Barbara2,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You will be going through the worst of times. I understand when you say the amount of time you have left without him fills you with despair; one day, one moment, one breath at a time. That’s what we have to do for now.
My husband died suddenly 8 weeks ago, during his sleep. We didn’t manage to say goodbye. He was 57, and I thought we would grow old together. Clearly not meant to be.
You will find it deep inside how to be a great parent to your twins. I have a 15 year old son still at home - I have to do my best with him to make my husband proud.
As friends of our age haven’t usually experienced bereavement of a parent, nevermind a spouse, they have very little understanding of our pain. Only those who have walked in our shoes can truly understand.
Sending love and hugs
Clare xx

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Barbara. My heart bleeds for you. To lose him so quickly and so young. I am a twin myself and it’s hard work for two let alone one. Ignore the friend that says 17years is long. I was only 11years, but I don’t think if it had been 30yrs it would still have been too short. Life is so cruel to us sometimes.
I know you want to be with him but as you say the twins need you. It’s very early days and this isolation is awful. I’m 15wks done the line and I still feel it was yesterday. I stupidly go over silly things like “if I’d known that was the last time I was going to…I’d have spent more time/told him I loved him more/the list is endless but it just beats you up. Use your friends and family for support even if it’s a FaceTime call at night one the twins are in bed I have had many a night with a glass of gin on FT.
Get out every day for a walk even if it’s the last thing you want to do, as that does help. And try and sleep as we can cope better when not tired. Sending big hugs and use us to lean on too as it does help.

hi Barbera2
very sorry for the loss of your husband.
the pain and emotions will be with you for the rest of your life,thats the price we pay for being inlove with our one true love,we just learn to accept this and carry on with our lives,we will all find different ways,whether thats working,walking and exercise with dogs or finding other ways to occupy our minds.im not one for telling you things get easier as I personally dont think they do.i think we manage our lives and live with this dreadful loss ,some may find the pain eases,or may find they get through this with less heart ache but im not a fortune teller so I tend to say we learn to live the best we can.
hope you find the strength to stay strong for your children.
Also know your not alone,we on here are facing those same heart breaking emotions daily and still getting the strength from some where to still be here.
reading some of the threads posted by the wonderful members,might give you an insight into things they are doing to get through each day week month etc.
sorry for droning on,were all here if you need an ear or a bit of comfort.
regards
ian

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