Today I could not stop crying, I had an awful nights sleep which doesn’t help. Then I got the phone call I have been wanting and dreading at the same time, telling me that my darling David’s ashes were ready to be picked up.
I went with my sister to collect him so he is back home with me now, I am glad about that but collecting them has made his death seem so final, that silly tiny glimmer of hope I have had that maybe just maybe I am in a dreadful nightmare and will wake up soon and see David walking through the door has gone now.
I am broken, I need his arms around me, I need to hold his hand, I need to feel his strength and warmth, hear his voice, see his wonderful face, his smile, the twinkle in his eyes when he looked at me. I know our love is with me deep inside and always will be but the loss of the physical being seems incomprehensible today.
I am going to have a couple of glasses of wine and toast my beloved man. Tomorrow is another day and I will take David with me wherever I go, but for tonight I am going to weep and accept and feel my heartache because that is the pain of my unfulfilled love for him.
Aww I brought my Nicks ashes home two weeks today, I didn’t think I would do this but I can’t bare to part with him not yet anyway , I had a nice urn personalised and he is in the bedroom on the left hand side where he always was just tucked in the corner , I always went mad when he kept ashes in the house , at one point we had two dogs , ashes , his mum and Dad ! He couldn’t part with them , they have all been scattered now, and I find myself now not wanting to let Nicks go , I may one day but certainly for now he is staying on the left side of the bedroom and TBH when I brought his home I chugged a bottle of Prosecco!
OMG you have nearly replicated my situation, we are all so connected and dont realise.
I am going to put some of David’s ashes in the garden, we loved sitting in the garden on sunny days so he will be happy there. Then my other little pot I will put on his bedside table which for me is on the right side. There are old time ashes in our house too that we never got round to scattering, I am going to scatter them this summer then I have closure on those and David will be with me ( in my heart) so he will have closure too. yes like you I very rarely drink alcohol but tonight I have had a bottle of Hardy’s red wine, it has dumbed me down but I hope I don’t get a hangover tomorrow !
A new start tomorrow, I am going to take David with me and I am not going to stand still, he would have been very cross if I did that. he loved life, appreciated life, saw it as a precious gift and will want me to make the best I can of mine.
This is where I have Nick , his glasses are still on his bedside where he left them, I didn’t think I would ever do this ! But I have , I mean he isn’t sat on the coffee table in the middle of the lounge ,just his side of the bedroom in the corner , and those photos were always on his side of the bed before he passed x
It’s been 6 months and 4 days since I lost my lovely Jimmy. We are scattering his ashes tomorrow and I’m dreading it. It’s what me and the children agreed and it’s going to be in a beautiful place, but it’s still letting go.
Jimmy went suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep and I still can’t come to terms with it. I still expect him coming in the door and telling me it’s all been a nightmare or a mistake!
I didn’t know you could cry so much. I haven’t gone a day without tears yet. I feel so incomplete now and I miss going ‘home’.
I am very lucky to have a wonderful family around me, particularly my Mam and my sister, so I have so much support but I still feel lonely. Jimmy was my life.
Can you share your distress with your family, maybe you can delay the scattering of Jimmy’s ashes, or perhaps could you put some ashes in to a small pot for you to keep. I have a small box of my David’s ashes that I will keep always.
I think events such as your scattering of the ashes intensify our grief, i am earlier on in my grief than you but the day before and on the day that we were going to pick up Davids ashes i was a complete and utter wreck, weeping on and off all the time it was almost as bad as the day he died. I too lost David in his sleep. So sad .Keep talking and reading on here it does help, and maybe think about getting some counselling. Also there is a group for widows called The Jollie dollies, I feel sure there will be a group in your area and you physically meet other ladies who have been widowed so you will make some friends with the same mindset which is what we all need.
Thank you Penny6.
I have told my family how I feel and we have agreed to keep some of Jimmy’s ashes at home and we are going ahead with the scattering today.
I have signed up for counselling and am on a waiting list. I will look for a group locally too. Thank you for the advice.
My love to you and your memory of David!
Oh that is lovely jj88, you must be feeling relieved. Hope today goes well. X
We have had a sad but lovely day. We went to a local beauty spot, said a few words - the children were very eloquent - scattered Jimmy’s ashes on a hillside and then scattered some roses.
We then went and had lunch and a drink to Jimmy. I actually smiled.
The reality hits when I get back and I can no longer ‘go home’! Jimmy was my home.
I want to go home 
Aw i am glad you had a nice day, it sounds like it was really pretty and a nice way to do it. It will be hard for a while now, I was terrible after David’s ashes came home, i think it is the finalness of it, everything is done now all the ends are tied up…and so a different stage of grieving begins. Keep crying when you need to, keep talking to him, keep remembering, it is so sad to do but it all helps us to heal. I am sure in the future we will remember our loved ones with a smile instead of a lump of grief in our chest.