My beloved mum passed away in December 23 and I’m really struggling. My mum had dementia and for the last 18 months of her life she was in a residential care home. She wasn’t happy there but I was unable to provide the care she needed at home I have always had terrible guilt about putting her in the care home and now she’s passed the feelings of guilt are excruciating
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It’s hard watching someone who was a very big part of your life deteriate with dementia. I know, my mum did go in care homes but only for short breaks. But if you was unable to care for her because of health matters then you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Did you have carers coming in ?
Dont beat yourself up. The amount of time needed to look after someone with Dementia and keep them safe is immense and as you say you weren’t in a position to provide that care. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
My Mum had Alzheimers and I managed to keep her at home until she passed away in April. This only happened because I made huge sacrifices and was lucky enough to be in a position where she could pay for intensive private day time care. It was also hugely stressful at times and took a toll on me. At the point she passed away a move to a Care Home was becoming highly likely.
I think the majority of people who have to move a parent to a Care Home will have feelings of guilt but often there is no other option where they dont have the scope to provide the care themselves.
Sorry for your loss. Dementia and Alzheimers are cruel illnesses and hard for family to deal with. It is sad that a new type of medication has come online but the NHS will not be funding it.
Take care and as I say try and not feel guilty. You did what was necessary in your circumstances and you ensured your Mum was cared for and safe.
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It sounds like you did everything you could and acted out of love. No doubt you made many sacrifices. We all make the best decisions we can for the time. I’m sure you did absolutely all the right things and you shouldn’t feel bad about anything
Thank you for your reply we did have carers coming in for quite a long time but it wasn’t enough for mums needs. We then employed a live in carer for about another year but again mums care needs became much worse so we ended up with the care home unfortunately. We’d tried everything else within our powers x
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Dementia is such a wicked disease!
It’s like it eats away at the brain, my mum had it but I didn’t know how bad it was. I knew I was losing mum as I couldn’t have the chats like we used to have. In the end she became a vegetable more or less on the settee. She ate whatever the carers prepared for her, sometimes it be a packet of crisp and biscuits. She lost track of time and slept a lot mainly during the day. 1 night she put the TV on like 3 am in the morning. Said she wanted to watch tv, I wasn’t happy. But I knew it wasn’t my mum, no one helps or prepares you for what happens or how it can change a person.
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You did all you could, my mum died in April 24 and I should have done to live with her the October of 23 when her dementia got worse, she had carers and my sister I was there weekends and any holidays I had . The last two months of her life was in a nursing home and i was there every day it was so traumatic.
The guilt and shame that I did not move in with her sits with me every day its my first and last thought every day. I have at times thought i cannot live with it i do not deserve to be here.
I think you have nothing to feel guilty about I am not sure that there is any way of making dementia patients happy you made sure your mum was cared you did all you could. DO not let the guilt monster in he will take over you life, he has mine.
We all have regrets though, we could of done more I think. But it probably wouldn’t have made a massive difference to be honest.
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I agree its such a cruel disease.
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