Carrying on after loosing a child to suicide

I lost my adult daughter to suicide nine months ago. She was bipolar and had many addictions during the last ten years of her life. She was a different person once, she had two wonderful daughters. I am trying to support my granddaughters and my son , who is struggling to understand the how this could have happened. Has anyone found any help through support groups, as it does make you feel alone.

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Hello Prim
I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
I did not lose my daughter to suicide but understand the anguish of years and years of worrying about what might happen, and then it happening.
I go to the Compassionate Friends meetings and find it very helpful.
I wish you peace and comfort.
Love Matella xx

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Hi Prim,
Have you tried SOBS support group Survivors Of Bereavement by Suicide?
Such a terrible time for your family I hope you can all come together and help each other.
I also hope you can remember your lovely daughter and help her children and your son remember her with love. Take care Jx

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Hi Prim, I’m really sorry to hear of your loss and your on-going heartache. Have only just joined this site. I did lose my teen son to suicide, 2 1/2 years ago. it’s a heartbreaking story…He was 14 at the time and I was trying to get him help, but my pleas fell on deaf/untrained ears. He had a sibling, 4 years younger. At the time I sought help from Cruse Bereavement, I was in shock, it seemed like a good starting point. They were amazing. Also, I was pointed on the direction of Winston’s Wish, a charitable organisation that helps with suicide, children, family bereavement, but focuses especially on children’s welfare. A book there called “Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine” and other specific books and advice are available to help. https://shop.winstonswish.org/products/muddles-puddles-and-sunshine
Also, they suggested counselling for my child, and provided a list of nearby providers. I was able to ask help of the Higher Learning Mentor (deals with emotional and behavioural issues with children) or for older children try Pastoral or Sendco? The school put me in touch with counselling, which occurred at school but was very very good, from the provider Winston’s Wish had suggested for my area (from a Children’s Hospice) and also helped me access specialist housing and charity services. If they can’t do the last, do check with Citizens Advice: there are numerous grants and helps for people in difficult times. Also, website, Turn2Us? Hope that helps. It really is one day at a time, and exercise and nature help the mind relax. Lots of love to you all, Lozzz.

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That was exactly it…worrying for years that it may happen, then it did. I can’t help feeling a failure that I could not prevent such a catastrophic end. I will look in to groups, not sure if there are any near me though. Thanks for you reply.

We are as a family remembering the good times we all had with her…it’s the nights that are the hardest for me. I have looked up SOBS since seeing your message, There is one not too far away, thank you for that. Thanks for your reply.

Hi Lozz, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, such a young age, it’s heartbreaking. Your reply has many suggestions for me to try, thank you so much for that. I have only just got to the stage of trying to talk to someone for myself. My focus has been my granddaughters and my son. I will look in to some of your suggestions, as I must try to help myself, to be able to carry on and be there for the rest of the family. I do find it difficult to sleep or ever feel happy…

Thank you, Prim, it’s been quite a journey. Could wax lyrical about how he was my favourite person on the planet. It’s important that you do talk to someone who will listen to you: it’s a process of unravelling and untangling so many painful feelings, thoughts and hints of ideas: an ongoing process.
Lately I’ve been seeing an NHS Therapist. I self-referred (look online for your area) and
after initial telephone assessment was put in the waiting queue for a Therapist. It took quite a few months, so I recommend doing that asap. My therapist has helped me to unravel the tight knot of sadness, depression, could have beens, what ifs etc, and guilt. Guilt is awful: everyone feels it when a child dies but, if you look into your heart you will see that you did everything in your power to look after your (adult) child. Some things are simply beyond our control. Sometimes people, who are mentally ill, decide it is better to be dead than continue another day. They can’t face it, and they don’t want to tell anyone how they feel (for their own reasons). Sometimes life is very cruel. I take medication to help me sleep, I find that on days where I am fatigued I do not cope. Mine’s a mild antidepressant, and it does help. Sleep is a saviour, and a doctor would agree that you need to be rested to be calm and happy for you, & not just because you have, naturally, taken on the role of support for your grand daughters and son.
I think we tend to blame ourselves, and if you undergo counselling, you will see that you did everything to your best ability as a mother at the time, and our best is good enough. No parent is perfect, but we all try our best and that makes a “good enough” parent. I can tell by the way you express yourself that you are a conscientious and caring lady, and you have always been “good enough”. You need to take care of your own needs, I think Cruse could perhaps see you more quickly than the NHS, but I’m finding my NHS targeted therapy really beneficial. My son wouldn’t have wanted me, or anyone, to be sad forever. Your daughter also would not want you to be sad. You deserve happy, and you need support for you, and support for the children’s grieving too: it’s an unfair load for one set of caring shoulders.
Also, local children’s services and some charities like homestart might also be able to offer some practical help with day to day: you mustn’t burn yourself out and having “you time” is important.
Love and hugs.

How very kind of you to to give such a thoughtful reply, all very helpful advice. I have actually got an appointment set up to see my gp in two weeks time…it’s back ache, which has been with me since I lost her. I will mention the possibility of some counselling, Iv got nothing to loose. I am of course riddled with the guilt, why don’t dvI nor see it coming, I’m her mum and I should have saved her. I know your right, there was not really anything else I could have done, I tried everything at could, but still…
Thanks so much again, it’s so sad for us both, loosing a precious loved child. Sending healing and love to you.

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Hi Prim, thank you so much for your kind words, and I must add I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter.
I hope you have had a good trip to the Doc? Rome wasn’t built in a day and you can only do so much at a time so well done for anything done: I admit it’s taken me a long time to be able to achieve much (or anything outside regular chores) ,off my “to-do” list any day, but with the support of others and taking care of myself (sleep!) I’ve become better at it. I use my diary and it visibly lifts me to see I’ve ticked something off. Anyway, I’m sorry o didn’t reply sooner: every time I have to explain about my beloved son I go through the sadness etc emotions again. Hope you are ok? I’m nearing the end of my counseling and am feeling much better, more able to face the future and make it mine, and my daughter’s, again. Lots of healing love to you.

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