I seem to have a change in my thinking after 10 months. I think I’ve now sort of accepted she’s not coming back. I’ve been going to the grave every day but recently wondered if that was good for me. The last few days I’ve been talking to another widow who is doing a class and has a visit to a new country planned even though she’s still suffering. It struck me how much I admire her courage. I was full time caring for some time before she died and have never been good at putting myself first but think maybe now I need to try. So I’m going to start with 3 visits less a week and see how that feels. Previously I’d have felt I was betraying her by not going every day but now I’m not so sure I’ll feel that.
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Hi @BobY
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to say thank you for so bravely sharing this with us. Keep reaching out,
Alex
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Hello there @BobY
Not quite the same thing as you, however l’m now almost 11 months into this blooming horrible journey. I started writing to my beloved every night within a few days of his death and did this without fail for 10 months. This last couple of weeks, l’ve moved to doing that every two evenings instead, so maybe there is a slight shift taking place with me too. I still speak to him constantly during the day, so he maybe doesn’t need me to write it all down as well 
Sending a hug.
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She’ll understand. Your love was special but you have to go forward. One step at a time . Your memories will always be with you x
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A change in thinking can be refreshing. I find that I go back and forth in my thinking. Other people do inspire me, with how they choose to keep going. And even use tragedy to spur them on.
My change in thought today was something along the lines of “Oh my gosh, these people who are still physically here. How I treasure them. They too could be gone in an instant.” and although I haven’t made it seem like a positive thought it kind of was, because I had a surge of appreciation for what I have.
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thought I was getting a little better and have woken this morning feeling so lonely and scared. i never thought I’d be so lost. It’s because you go in an instant from being the centre of someone’s life to just being a bit part player in other peoples. I thought I was beyond wishing for death but I’m not
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I can identify with you all - it’s been almost 10 months for me and I used to write to him everyday without fail but lately I do it sporadically but still talk to him every morning afternoon and night. I feel such comfort going to the cemetery and talk to him every weekend.
Some days waking up feeling energetic and hopeful other days waking up feeling lost, hopeless and ever so lonely. I guess it’s a normal progression along this sad and painful journey we are going through.
Best wishes and take care everyone x
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thank you. you too.
You’re welcome 
have a great day as you can x
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When Ann passed away it was the first time in thirty years I’d been on my own and because I don’t have any friends or family to help me with loosing her I tried twice to join her and it wasn’t a cry for help I I just couldn’t imagine life without her after spending time in the mental health hospital and having counselling my thoughts have changed because one thing I kept getting asked was what would Ann think about me trying to join her and I always thought she would want me to take time and hopefully get back to a sort of normal life without her
I go to the cemetery most days and sit and talk to Ann but even though it helps me to talk to her I know I need to accept that she is at peace now and not suffering anymore Ann suffered from COPD and long Covid and for the last three years she was deteriorating every day but she just carried on as normal and I know she would want me to do the same
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15 months since my beautiful Grahame’s death.
Well done to everyone trying to get out of a daily habit, like visiting your loved one’s grave or writing to them. I visit my husband’s grave if I am in that area of my village and sometimes don’t stay long,; just a few words and I’m on my way. I sometimes journalise what I am feeling, but that’s for myself. Next month is my big adventure, an over 60s holiday to the Silk Road. Terrified of everything - the travel, my fellow group members- but pleased I had the courage to book it. We shall see……
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I understand how you feel. Im 10 months into my grief. Sometimes i feel i am coping a bit better but then it all comes back and i wish i could die and be with him. I have to cope its 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards. Take care. Sending you love.
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Hi Freddie123 I’m just 10 months into losing my husband and the grief I feel exactly how you feel I just can’t move on and it’s not because I aren’t trying take care
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BobY
So very sorry for your loss
I visit my husband grave once or twice a week,play him his favourite music and sometimes take some cider for him
I have been 15 months on this horrendous journey,
I had a meltdown in the cemetery last Saturday,i know i should not go as often ,
But cannot keep away ,
Take care
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thank you x
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So sorry Boby. Ive only been t my husbands grave once this year. I hate cemeteries, we were getting cremated but, he changed his mind. Its made even worse by the fact that his dad owns the plot, has taken complete charge of the headstone to the point I wont have any say in it’s design or wording.
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oh I’m so very sorry. I know someone in a similar position and she finds it very hard. x
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When Ann passed away her daughter’s from her first marriage took control of the funeral or tried to I managed to organise it by making a compromise I had to agree to them talking control of the plot at the crematorium and they organised the memorial plaque and totally went against Ann’s wishes for what she wanted to have written on it and the wording makes it all about them and no mention that not only was she a mother but also my partner and to make any changes I would need their consent
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Why, why does this have to happen? We all loved the same person, they weren’t a possession. Im dreading m husbands headstone going up for the fear that I’ll be non existent but then again, it’ll show just how nasty and petty the man is.
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Hzmartin
I hope you don’t have any problems with your husband’s headstone like I have when we lose someone who we love it brings out the worst in some people I’ve certainly seen the dark side of Ann’s daughter’s and it looks like you’re husband’s father is the same I do hope you can get him to let you have some say in the wording of the headstone take care
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