Changing things at home

Hey I’m new here today . Rather than speak to my girls who are also grieving I found this site .
I’m struggling with changing things in my home after losing my husband in January. We badly needed a new bedroom carpet after people up and down stairs for the few weeks before he passed . He would have done it anyway is one answer I give myself . He was so proud of our home . But . I’ve gone to pieces since doing it . Although I asked him and told him
After it was done I can’t stop being cross at myself


Hello Carol,

Welcome to the forum no one wants to join! I found it just 2 days ago, and it has been strangely helpful.

I am 56 and lost my husband if 20 years just 6 weeks ago . Like you I have struggled with making changes. The only decisive thing I did was to immediately remove all items of medical equipment and medication - anything that reminded me of my husbands illness.

I replaced all the bedding ( but haven’t been able to return to our bed). I was like a whirling dervish that first day - then crashed. Since then I have struggled to make any decisions.

Maybe the carpet is a good place to start for you. Especially if you feel that’s what your husband would want. Don’t rush - you will know when the time is right.


Welcome to the site that none of us want to have found but once here are so glad we are.
Please try to not feel cross with yourself - your husband would be pleased with your decision as you had good reason to change the carpet and perhaps if you’d left it, it would have raised emotions that you don’t need to deal with.
I was nearly always the decision maker in our relationship - I would ask Mark his opinion and his reply would be “why ask me, you’ll do/make/buy etc what you want anyway!”
But I would still value his thought’s even though he was right in what he said - it’s how we rolled.
It sounds as if you will make considered decisions and not anything rash and so your husband will be included in all of your choices - he is with you, by your side, guiding you.
It will feel right when the time is right.
We are all here to support one another x


Thank you guys for the reply . I used to be the leader in our home but my husband would always have his say and thr matter of the carpet was a talking point three months prior to his passing . My own children have said pops would have wanted you to get on with things not be sad .
I shall try to absorb the comments left . Thank you .


Think it’s the speed he was taken has left me saying WHAT . Where did you go why am I struggling . Why can’t I feel grateful I’m here while you are gone and here I am making my own decisions . Not right . We are a team .
Hope you can find a way to sleep in your bed . Change the position of it maybe . That’s what I did . Found it helped . He did pass at home in our bed and stayed the night after he passed after that no sleep until moved the bed . X


Thank you for sharing your feelings on the chamges in your home. I am struggling, alone, with a whirlwind of emotions ovee changes I felt needed to be made in our home & guilt over it too!
Dec 7th 2021 I left home to ran my teens to Highschool, had s coffee with my friend & my Mom. Simon had his first day off sick in 10 years at his job -he just felt unwell, but upbeat. I returned home to find him dead, sat on our settee.
Simon was a hoarder, and money was very tight. So when he passed I had 2 things to consider: what do we do with all the stuff we have & the mixed blessing of a pay out from his pension.
At the time it was important to support my children, so we sorted through over 2000 books, over 50 lever arch folders & 100s postcards & photos (they were wall to wall, floor to ceiling, in my daughter’s room, everywhere in our room, hallways, attic & lounge). Iteant a make over for my daughter’s room & new carpets for bedrooms & hallways.
Then there was the clothing - piles of it! The children chose pieces to keep & ask I not donate to friends as they couldn’t bear seeing someone else wearing his clothes - I travelled to another town to donate.
Then there was the settee he passed away on, our bed, the many things I thought would help us accept he was gone but still keep him firmly with us.
The process was numbing for me. I felt I was erasing Simon from our house. I still feel guilty & torn. At the time each decision was incredibly painful & confusing, but arpund us folk were praising me for my strength & resilliance - I wasn’t strong nor resilient, I was waiting for him to come home & say “where’s all our stuff?”.
I am still not sure how I feel about the changes we’ve made, my numbness is passing into fear, guilt, feeling overwhelmed at how much I miss him - and his stuff!
11 months after Simon died I shared with my closest friends & family that I was in touch with mental health services. After waiting for counselling signed up with Sue Ryder counselling services & it has been life changing (for the better).
I hinestly thought I was the only one who felt torn, struggling with making changes in our home and am still confused & unsure about the choices I have made over the last 17 months.


I always said I would do all the things I wanted and he did but no energy and bla. No concentration.
Always said have colour in hall I wanted but just stuck a runner over. Bought a silly steamer never used. But a. Pleased with garden table always wanted. Not pleased with muddle I have got in.