i lost my dad when i was 17, he had lost his battle to his own mental health and took his own life. and now my family view me as inssufferable and my mum only sees him when she looks at me.
my dad was not a nice man, infact i hadnt seen him since my 14th birthday. i didnt even want to see him then. i had tried to silently cut contact months prior due to years emotional and partly physical abuse. he was a creep, with predatory behavior at times.
when he was alive our relationship fluctuated . for years as a kid i would walk on hot coals to defend him until I realised what i was going through . and then i hated him with a passion, i would even wish his death would happen sooner . looking back I don’t think i wanted him to die . i just wanted to feel safe in public spaces. and i do . but now hes gone ive held onto the nice memories what little i have anyway as most of my childhood is a blur.
i try to ignore how bad he could be because, now hes gone ill never get my closure or ever come to understand what i experienced. its coming up on three years soon . ive never gotten help for what guilt i carry. part of me thinks that i was the last thing keepin him around. he always told me i was. and now hes gone i feel bad for thinking negatively of him because what if it was my fault.
since hes been dead ive become horrible. my mum doesnt like to be around me and it seems like the rest of my family dont either. im argumentative, im selfish, im manipulative,my mum says im turning into him and that im on my last straw before im kicked out. i view most people as acting harshly and negative towards me , even when im told theyre not , i always seem to assume people have the worst intentions and dont at all like me. this is definitely some trauma resurfancing due to my dad. and yet i cant get out of the habit. i immediately turn everything into a screaming match in my house now. im unpredictable and erratic.
ive started to overlook most of my dads bad behaviour towards me now. bringing it up only when im argueing and trying to explain why certain things freak me out and stress me out. im scared that im holding on to the thought of what he could of been instead of what he was and its turning me into him because im trying to reason and justify what i went through.
ontop of this my neurodivergencies have made me impossible to handle and childlike in nature to the point my mum doesnt want to live with me anymore either. its only gotten worse since hes been gone because im trying to grasp at my childhood. i dont want to become more like him . but since hes died its all that i get told .
i just dont know what to do . my family are incredibly tired of me . my mum and dad werent close and she also was abused by him so id see him every other weekend without her so she didnt greive the same as me.
i am changed and i dont know whats wrong with me anymore . i just want to go back to normal and im not even sure what that means