I honestly dont know how ive got through to now. This Christmas has been even worse than last year, my first one without my soul mate. I mustve been completely numb last year, ive no memory of it at all. This year, that all encompassing bewildering pain has eaten through to my very bones, this is thevonly way i can explain it. I have the clarity today, to reach out, ive even asked for some therapy. It cannot go on, my feeling my life is over because my hubbys is. I miss everything about him, the quiet in the house is horrendous, the waking in the night, reaching out for him, its all become unbearable 16 months on. When does this get easier ? I know the only way through is, through. Sending love to you all in the same boat. I wouldn’t wish this on any living being, truly x
Hi @Lizzy21 I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain and you are not alone.
It is 15 months since my husband died, only 25 days following diagnosis of lung cancer. He was and will always be my everything.
This Christmas and New Year was the second without him and it has torn my heart into shreds whereas the first one seemed to pass in a blur, I don’t really remember much about it.
To be honest the whole of 2023 feels like it didn’t happen. I believe I was too shocked and numb to process things. It is only really since passing the 12 month point that the reality of now having to try and form some sort of life alone has hit me, and it’s hit hard.
I carry on as best I can, missing Chris with every heartbeat, just taking each day as it comes.
15 months on and it isn’t any easier, but I have learnt to go with how I feel on any given day. My grief walks alongside me, as Chris always did.
Grief has taken so much from me, but I’m determined it will not be the thing which defines me.
Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace xx Rachael
Thank you for your reply, i do appreciate exactly what you’re saying. They do say that the 2nd year can be even more difficult than the first, im beginning to believe that. I too don’t want my grief to define me, ive got to a point where im just so exhausted of feeling miserable , and i see people backing away from me because of it. I really dont blame them. I was a joyful optimistic person who loved life and embraced joy. I so want to be that person again. Sending love 
Reading your reply I realise justvhow similar our circumstances are. Sending love
@Lizzy21 Sending you the biggest of hugs and thoughts of peace.
I understand completely when you say you are exhausted of feeling miserable. This second year is so difficult. Now the numbness and fog of the first 12 months has worn off and reality has sunk in, I’m struggling for motivation. I’m fed up of trying to find a new life when I loved my life before. I loved being me, I was always happy, smiling, carefree. Now I get anxious, overthink every single thing and my confidence has taken a battering.
I have found though that I’ve been planning things so I have stuff in my diary. That in itself feels like a huge step as six months ago the thought of leaving the house to do something other than shopping terrified me.
The one thing I have done over the past couple of months is attend a couple of concerts as I’ve always enjoyed live music. I have enjoyed the evenings, even stayed over in a hotel so I wasn’t worried about getting home late at night, BUT even though I’ve enjoyed it there’s no fun in not having Chris to share it with.
It hasn’t deterred me though as I’ve booked many more events. All of them on my own.
I’m doing my best to find even small amounts of joy.
It’s just so tiring to figure out who I am now, whether I still like the same things, do I want to learn new things.
I miss being “we” not just “me”.
Please keep reaching out on here.
Wow! I done exactly the same thing, my hubby and i went everywhere for live music, so i took myself to a blues festival, stayed in an hotel myself and have booked to go to another one in April ! It was one hell of a big step, i too loved my life, i didnt want any of it to change, yet here we are. Yes i missed my other half, but i am glad i went. I need to get booking more. My problem is, im not allowed to drive having been seriously ill myself last March. But im getting there. We do need something to look forward to. Take care, sending love