Hi everyone,
Earlier this week, my boyfriend’s sister & family came to visit, we had coffee & cake, 
, but while they were here, the topic of conversation drifted onto 2 sensitive subjects, Christmas, (we’re spending Christmas with them this year, just like the last 2 years,) & my boyfriend’s 50th birthday in March next year, (they’re planning a big celebration,).
Let me break this down, & go through it one point at a time, Christmas, I have many memories of passed Christmas’s, my mom used to always try to do things to make it fun, playing games, watching Christmas movies, doing puzzles Infront of the TV, we used to play charades every year, but mom, thinking that words that are spelt the same must sound the same, 
so would often get the wrong sound, & we’d end up with things like “Booty & the beast”, “George of the joogle”, “Doughnut 
you forget about me,” Elvis song"Honk of burning love," it was always funny, & I miss playing charades with mom. Also, my dad is an alcoholic, for years, Christmas was just another excuse for him to get drunk & argue with mom, 
, as much as mom liked to try to do fun stuff to make us happy, he seemed to always be hell-bent on wrecking it, 
. Since mom passed, his drinking escalated & I could see how much mum was protecting me & shielding me from the extent of his drinking & the effect of it. It was very traumatic, be would get drunk & babble, endlessly repeating the same things over & over, & over, & over again, about his life, stories from his youth, in one he told me about an incident where he attacked a man in a parking lot. When you live with an alcoholic, you learn to be on your guard, your nerves are on high alert all the time, & to be very quiet, don’t respond or react to anything, & always have an escape plan just incase. Mom wouldn’t of wanted this life for me, she would want me to be safe, & happy. When he’s drunk, he’s stroppy & critical, & takes pleasure in being nasty to people & slagging off everything, . I email with Nacoa about his alcoholism, & the affect growing up with it has had on me. I’m glad that I get to spend Christmas with my boyfriend & his family, they are a normal family, who have been very kind to me, but because of the trauma of my dad’s alcoholism, especially during passed Christmas’s, I am finding my “new normal” very traumatic, I know I’m perfectly safe with them, but old habits, & instinct, I feel nervous & on my guard, years of being around dad’s drinking has taught me to be nervous of people drinking around me, sadly this is causing me to find spending Christmas with a happy “normal” family very traumatic, like I don’t know how to react, or how to feel because it’s not what’s normal to me.
Then there’s the subject of birthdays, march will be my boyfriends 50th birthday, I have mixed feelings, of course I’m happy for him, but at the same time, sad that mom won’t be there for my 40th birthday in the summer .
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There is nothing to fear. Christmas with “normal” people will be a delight. Sure, you will grieve that your mom isn’t here to celebrate the holiday and you will miss her tremendously, but the day will not be one of turmoil and trauma.
It will be okay. You will be okay.
Much love.
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I used to have panic attacks and I had coping strategies that helped. If I could make a suggestion - I would discuss how you feel with your partner and make a plan for if you feel too overwhelmed. A walk round the block, sit in the bathroom… so you feel in charge and ge can support you and explain to his family. They will understand.
thanks