Christmas is so hard

Losing a sibling
1

My brother died 6 years ago. This year seems to be worse than ever. I’ve cried every day since the end of November coming into December. I’ve dreaded every single Christmas related thing but I’ve put a smile on for everyone else’s sake and we’re now on 15th December and we’re half way through and it’s just horrible. I thought the pain would ease as we moved through the month but I just feel in the thick of it. The pain was unbearable today. I’ve cried to much. I’m dreading going into work tomorrow and faking a smile. Right now it feels impossible. I just don’t want to be here.

I tried to tell people I didn’t want to do Christmas this year. I tried to be black and white about it. I wasn’t over the top, I just said I respect others want to celebrate and that’s fine but Christmas isn’t my thing anymore - it’s too painful since we lost my bro and I’d just rather not do Christmas things. But no one listened. Everyone’s so wrapped up in themselves and what they want to do and for them it’s just easier if “I’m ok and join in with that they want me to join in with.” I get people mean well but they just don’t listen. I would be absolutely fine if I wasn’t constantly been bombarded with Christmas!!

I’ve tried to be understanding that others want to celebrate. I haven’t been a complete grinch and moaned every time someone’s mentioned it. I’ve tried to respect that THEY want to celebrate. But no one has listened to me when I’ve said I’m not. I’m just expected to be fine and join in. I would be fine if I didn’t have to join in. I would be fine if people talked to ANYONE else but me about frickin Christmas!!!

Wake me up when December ends. PLEASE. I can’t keep doing this every year. I just can’t. It feels impossible to deal with this time of year. You try talking to people - it doesn’t work. You try pretending to be ok- you feel horrific. You try avoiding stuff - people bombard you anyway. I don’t know what on earth to do.

My parents seem to want to celebrate but I feel like they’re treating me like I’m a black cloud. They aren’t just enjoying themselves and getting on with it for them (which great for them). They want to involve me and have me sit and clap and be happy for every Christmas related thing. They’ve got tonnes of other people they can show their trees off too and their Christmas ideas. Yet they’ve been trying all month to get me into Christmas despite me saying I didn’t want to by buying me all sorts of Christmas related things and telling me all about theirs. I smile and be polite so I don’t look ungrateful but I feel so infuriated with my feelings not being respected or listened to. I have tried to talk to them but they don’t listen.

I just feel like the most factual thing I’ve learnt this past 6 years is - it’s not ok to not be ok!!! It’s just not. NO ONE is ok with you not being ok. It’s inconvenient, irritating and they can’t cope with it. Even when you try and shut yourself away and say or do nothing.

I’ve genuinely felt nothing but heartbreak, anxiety, depression, sadness, grief, pain, heart ache and feelings of just not wanting to be here this month. I feel like if no one’s willing to respect me and leave me be next year when I’ve said I don’t want to do Christmas, I’m going to go away. I’ll have to go on my own cos my partner won’t come with me but I will. I’ll go sit on my own in some rental for a month and I know it will upset everyone me doing that but I don’t care. If they couldn’t respect my feelings this year then obviously I’ve no choice but to take myself away. I don’t want to do that, I want to stay in my own home but I can’t be here cos I just get hounded with suggestions of plans and being asked to clap and talk about Christmas! I DONT WANT TO.

I was fine today until a conversation started about it all. I was ok. But then after that phone call I just descended into tears.

16 days until January. It can’t come quick enough.

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2

Hello @Natalie10,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings with us. I can hear how heartbroken you are and how unheard you are feeling by your family.

I’m sure someone will be along to share their support. In the meantime, I just wanted to connect you with @vivmt. Their sister died suddenly last year, and you may understand some of what each other are going through. They posted this thread earlier:

You’ve mentioned having thoughts of not wanting to be here. If these thoughts get overwhelming, or you feel you can’t keep yourself safe, please do get urgent help by calling 999. You can also talk to the Samaritans anytime on 116 123 / jo@samaritans.org. If you’d prefer support over text, Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

Take good care and keep reaching out,

Seaneen

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I agree with you. Also the short days make it very difficult to function.

Kind regards

Sue

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Change what you do during the season there should be no pressure for you to be part of the normal events. I didn’t celebrate yesterday i watched films and cried on and off all day. Today I went for a walk whilst buffet food was served so I changed the tradition

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I’ve just made it through my first Christmas without my parents. Both died, just months apart, this year.
We scaled back on the festivities, having recently buried our Mum. I got through it, but there was no joy in the Christmas season this year.
It’s all still so very raw. And exhausting.
People keep telling me I need to get out and about, I can think of nothing worse.
Family have returned home , I’m embracing the peace.
The silent phone is killing me though, I spoke with my parents almost every day .
No phone calls on Christmas Day broke my heart , even though I knew they’d gone .
Grief seems to renew itself with every ‘first’ we go through.
To all who walk this path, I wish you peace and support.

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I hope things will feel the slightest bit easier now the pressure of Christmas has passed. I know I’m grateful we’re now through the biggest part of it.

I’ve got to be honest, people aren’t always right when they say you should get out and about or distract yourself. It can be so exhausting and actually leave you feeling a lot worse for days. It took me YEARS to figure this out. Grief isn’t the same as being sad about something trivial like a fall out or a general disappointment in life. Sometimes you do just need to stay in and rest and come to terms with things. Which sounds simple but it doesn’t always feel easy. It’s so hard to do what is purely best for you cos sometimes we feel like we’re disappointing others if we don’t show up to things. But if you don’t want to do something or go somewhere then don’t. I spent years people pleasing and going to things I would physically say “I don’t want to go” before heading out, then come home and be ill for days because I’d pushed myself. It made the healing process so much longer because I was constantly going and doing things which I didn’t want to and it made me feel worse. It took a lot but I’ve got to a point now where I’ve started saying no to people and no to things I just don’t want to do anymore. If I want to sit and watch tv all day and see no-one, I will. You’re allowed to say no and the people who love you and truly care will get it, the people who don’t get it aren’t worth being around.

I hope you have a peaceful few days before the new year. Sending best wishes and sorry for your losses. It must have been a truly awful year for you. Please always do what you feel is best for you going forward.

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I lost my son 4 months ago and I completely agree with you as I’ve learned that it’s absolutely not ok to not be ok . I’ve felt like my grief seemed to be an unwanted burden on the people who wanted me to be there for Christmas. I feel like never doing Christmas again after this year. I’m not putting myself into that situation again .

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Sorry to hear that, it’s beyond painful isn’t it. I hate December. Every year the expectations and anxiety is awful. I think you’re completely right to get to this point already. I’ve struggled for years with Christmas and never really figured out how to avoid it. I saw a guy at work this year who was Muslim and everyone just accepts he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and when he said “I don’t want to celebrate or do presents or nights out” everyone was ok with it because he was so straight up and blunt. I said I’m going to try being like that next year. I think I’ve worried the past few years people wouldn’t like me saying I don’t want to celebrate and would try and force me into it but I don’t know - I guess I’ll find out next year how it goes. I wish it was as easy as disappearing off to an island for a month and coming back January every year but it’s not so easy I guess. The best we can do is try and set boundaries and avoid the things we don’t want to do and take care of ourselves. Sending love xx

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Thank you, Natalie 10. You’re exactly right, people don’t always know what’s best for me . I’ve tried to be a people pleaser, but for now, I need to deal with my grief.
It’s been a horrendous year. I need to process it all.

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Hi Ali76
I’m so sorry for your loss.
You’re right when you say it feels like it’s not ok to not be ok.
Please take care of yourself, I wish you peace. Keep posting on here, there are lots of us to support each other .

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It takes a long time to process so don’t feel any pressure to rush yourself or feel like you should be in a better place at any certain point. (I’m nearly 7 years into grief and I still have weeks where I can’t function - but then I also have weeks where I can and I enjoy life again) the trick is to recognise the good days and bad days and do what you can and want to when YOU feel like it. Stopping and resting when you feel you need to does help you get back on your feet quicker even if it’s only for a while. The people who care will be there for the days you feel like going out. Just take your time

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Thank you.
At the moment, I feel like I won’t ever be the same again. There are so many things going round my head. My Dad’s death I can understand, but so many unanswered issues around losing my Mum. We were told 6 weeks before she died that there was no medical reason to expect imminent death. Then she died.
She didn’t have any one specific medical diagnosis or any major organ issues.
Dad had a heart attack, he had heart failure.
My Mum seemed to give up, she wanted to die . We weren’t enough for her to stay. That sounds so childish when my 2 siblings and myself are in our 50’s and 60’s, but it’s how I feel.

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You don’t have to

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Grief challenges us all . We can’t find our identity after a major loss

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My brother died a year ago in December. It has been a very hard month. I have no particular advice for anyone reading, as the advice we all seem to want (to help us come to terms and permanently accept without crying all the time and thinking about it) does not appear to exist.

Things I’ve found helpful in small ways on some days are ineffective on others. For example, the passage of time.

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Hi Matt

The year anniversary is very hard, made worse by the time of year. You are right that there is no easy answer. Can only take one hour/day at a time.

I am sorry for your loss.

Kind regards

Sue

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Someone said some research showed that going to entertainment events (that distract) are more effective than events where you talk about the person, like counselling or talking to a friend. But that’s not helpful advice in and of itself as I don’t want to be going to a show every 5 minutes. Yes, I hear you say do some of these things sometimes. We probably all knew this anyway.

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I’ve read through this thread and I thank you all for making me feel I’m not alone.
It’s been so hard getting through Christmas and New Year without my parents.
Some people have said some really silly things to me.
I can’t imagine going out to a show, or to enjoy myself. I’m not ready for that yet.
I would rather people say nothing than say daft things to me .
We buried my mum 3 weeks ago and Dad at the end of the summer. I feel sometimes, like it’s not real. Then I realise it is and they are gone.
I don’t know how to begin to process such a loss.
I guess time will tell me , but it’s going to be a slow and very painful process.
I wish all going through it, much support .

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Some people don’t understand why we are finding it difficult be yourself and allow your emotions for both parents

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Thank you for being here too. Everyone here has helped me feel not so alone too. I know it’s really annoying when people say silly/inappropriate things and as hard as it is, try not to take it personal. I try to remind myself the people who say these things don’t mean it maliciously, they probably just feel really awkward and don’t know what to say. They probably don’t even understand how you’re feeling cos they haven’t been in your situation. Ultimately no-one can really say anything that’s going to make you feel better, but people try all the same and their intention is most likely well meant. Just try to ignore the content of what they say and take their communication as a sign of love to try and show you they care and are there for you - Even if it is ultimately a completely stupid comment :wink:

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