My brother died 6 years ago. This year seems to be worse than ever. I’ve cried every day since the end of November coming into December. I’ve dreaded every single Christmas related thing but I’ve put a smile on for everyone else’s sake and we’re now on 15th December and we’re half way through and it’s just horrible. I thought the pain would ease as we moved through the month but I just feel in the thick of it. The pain was unbearable today. I’ve cried to much. I’m dreading going into work tomorrow and faking a smile. Right now it feels impossible. I just don’t want to be here.
I tried to tell people I didn’t want to do Christmas this year. I tried to be black and white about it. I wasn’t over the top, I just said I respect others want to celebrate and that’s fine but Christmas isn’t my thing anymore - it’s too painful since we lost my bro and I’d just rather not do Christmas things. But no one listened. Everyone’s so wrapped up in themselves and what they want to do and for them it’s just easier if “I’m ok and join in with that they want me to join in with.” I get people mean well but they just don’t listen. I would be absolutely fine if I wasn’t constantly been bombarded with Christmas!!
I’ve tried to be understanding that others want to celebrate. I haven’t been a complete grinch and moaned every time someone’s mentioned it. I’ve tried to respect that THEY want to celebrate. But no one has listened to me when I’ve said I’m not. I’m just expected to be fine and join in. I would be fine if I didn’t have to join in. I would be fine if people talked to ANYONE else but me about frickin Christmas!!!
Wake me up when December ends. PLEASE. I can’t keep doing this every year. I just can’t. It feels impossible to deal with this time of year. You try talking to people - it doesn’t work. You try pretending to be ok- you feel horrific. You try avoiding stuff - people bombard you anyway. I don’t know what on earth to do.
My parents seem to want to celebrate but I feel like they’re treating me like I’m a black cloud. They aren’t just enjoying themselves and getting on with it for them (which great for them). They want to involve me and have me sit and clap and be happy for every Christmas related thing. They’ve got tonnes of other people they can show their trees off too and their Christmas ideas. Yet they’ve been trying all month to get me into Christmas despite me saying I didn’t want to by buying me all sorts of Christmas related things and telling me all about theirs. I smile and be polite so I don’t look ungrateful but I feel so infuriated with my feelings not being respected or listened to. I have tried to talk to them but they don’t listen.
I just feel like the most factual thing I’ve learnt this past 6 years is - it’s not ok to not be ok!!! It’s just not. NO ONE is ok with you not being ok. It’s inconvenient, irritating and they can’t cope with it. Even when you try and shut yourself away and say or do nothing.
I’ve genuinely felt nothing but heartbreak, anxiety, depression, sadness, grief, pain, heart ache and feelings of just not wanting to be here this month. I feel like if no one’s willing to respect me and leave me be next year when I’ve said I don’t want to do Christmas, I’m going to go away. I’ll have to go on my own cos my partner won’t come with me but I will. I’ll go sit on my own in some rental for a month and I know it will upset everyone me doing that but I don’t care. If they couldn’t respect my feelings this year then obviously I’ve no choice but to take myself away. I don’t want to do that, I want to stay in my own home but I can’t be here cos I just get hounded with suggestions of plans and being asked to clap and talk about Christmas! I DONT WANT TO.
I was fine today until a conversation started about it all. I was ok. But then after that phone call I just descended into tears.
16 days until January. It can’t come quick enough.