I lost my Nan on 21st December 2022… 1 year and 51 weeks ago, it feels like forever ago that ive seen her but like it was yesterday all at the same time. My nan raised me and was the only family I had. I had to spend christmas alone last year and will be doing the same again this year. I used to love christmas and was a carer for my Nan, if im honest that was my whole identity… I cant get excited about christmas or even put my tree up. I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to deal with this christmas on my own again please?
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Hi @Amy89
Sorry to hear you’ll be spending Christmas alone 
, sending hugs of support.
To be honest, at Dad’s house, I don’t celebrate Christmas anymore, I refuse to put up decorations, it all just reminds me of the trauma of the last Christmas with mom. I spend Christmas with my boyfriend & his family, just to avoid my dad’s alcoholism, 
, so I can understand not looking forward to Christmas, or just wanting to treat it like another day. It’s really up to you what you choose to do, 
hmm… Maybe plan things to look forward to each day, ie- walks, cooking something you like, maybe look into things that are going on in your area over the holidays, like coffee mornings, or book club, you can also ask citizens advice if you feel the need to look for extra support, & of course you can message on here as much or as little as is comfortable, I hope this helps.
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Amy, today, put up the tree with lights and put out your favorite decorations. I am sorry your nan died, but you didn’t. We can not give up our lives and cease to live fully. You have mourned a long time, celebrating with decorations will not stop you from missing nan, but it will break the juju of not having Christmas again.
Panda, you too. Put up the tree, put out your favorite Christmas things, listen to carols and sing along to mom. She will hear you. I am sorry your dad has the burden of alcoholism. It is a horrible condition to endure and hard on everyone around the alcoholic. It causes so much pain. My younger cousin finally went to in-patient rehab and turned her life around at age 60. Better late than never. My younger friend did the same. Both were alcoholics with the first sip at ages 13 and 11.
Enjoy your time with you BF and his family. This is about the birth of Jesus Christ and celebrating the good news.
Much love,
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Wonderful sound advice, I hope it is well received. We can either get stuck (die too) or choose life with the bumps etc but ultimately we are alive and breathing.
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I refuse to give up the rest of my life. My husband died September 24. No it won’t be the same without him, but it is still Christmas and the Grim Reaper can’t have that too. I put up my tree, 2 in fact, hung wreaths and put out my favorite things. Not everything, just enough to remind me that it is Christmas and all that I have to be grateful for in life which, even in this worst of times, is plenty.
Much love.
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It doesnt feel like a long time for me and unfortunately for me it very much feels at times like i did. My life revolved around my nan, i cared for her as she had COPD and therefore very rarely had time for me or to find out who i was/am. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your advice, but for me getting out the tree and trying to celebrate would be fake when i feel so numb and lonely. I genuinely do appreciate your advice tho and hope that it helps somebody.
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Thank you and sorry to hear its tough for you too. I actually cooked myself a proper dinner tonight, which i honestly cant remember the last time i did. I have found some activities that i am hoping to get to (anxiety depending sadly) and have tried some journalling today too. Thank you
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Amy, I get it and I am sorry. You gave your life for nan and you no longer know who you are. Honey, none of us do and that is why we walk in circles and can’t complete sentences. Every one of us is trying to figure out who we are now. We are no longer the same person we were.
You will find yourself. We all will. But, I for now I am doing it with lights in the tree like normal Christmases. The absence of it would be so much worse for me, I would sink into a deeper depression.
Much love.
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Hi,
To @PeachesDixon, I hear what you’re saying, but I for one am an atheist, & am very proud of that fact, people need to work through their issues in their own time, at their own pace, I’m glad you can celebrate Christmas like a normal person, but some of us just aren’t at a stage where we can comfortably pretend we’re ok when we’re not, I know you meant well, & I wish you well for Christmas. If we choose not to put up a tree & stuff, it doesn’t mean we’re stuck, it means we’re figuring it out in our own way.
To @Amy89 , thank you for your message, glad to hear you cooked, it sounds like a positive step forward. I had anxiety issues when I was younger, I had a lot of therapy for anxiety & depression, so I know every breathing technique known to man, & some only known to Buddhist monks, the strategies that usually work best for me is, if you get anxious, breathe, relax, then you have a choice of A) distract your mind till you get there, I usually use the alphabet game, you pick a simple category, ie- animals, fruit & veg., colours, whatever you like, & go through the alphabet names things in that category, B) if you feel able, ask your why am I anxious? If you know the root cause, you can tell yourself reassuring or positive things to counteract the cause of your anxiety. I hope it all works out, sending hugs of support.
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Thank you x
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@Amy89 two years is still really early in your grief - I can understand why you feel the way you do about Christmas, plus its right after the anniversary of your Nans passing which makes it even more significant 
I was Mums carer for her final year and also lost my job during that time so I understand what you mean about losing your identity. My friend cant understand why i "still " cant face Christmas (this my 2nd one after losing Mum) but we all process grief at different speeds - i think last Christmas i was still very numb and this year after counselling and support groups im actually finding it more painful, because i’m reflecting and processing it. So do whatever feels right for you. 
You can also make your own new traditions if you want - if there are particular tree baubles that remind you of your Nan for example, you could display them in a dish beside her photo with a candle or some fairy lights for example. Its less full on than the whole tree thing but its a nod to your shared Christmas memories 
For anyone struggling over the festive period, grief author and therapist David Kessler is running free zoom webinars on Saturday 21st and 28th December at 5pm UK time. I attended one yesterday and it was good, there was an opportunity to post questions, and if you cant make the live session then the recording is available if you register. Here’s the link if anyone wants to register: Holiday Grief Support with David Kessler
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Thank you for your advice. I will definitely try those techniques x
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Thank-you. I love the idea of some of our favourite baubles in a dish with lights with her photo. I am going to try that today, bevause i know shed want me to ‘carry on’ but i cant. I also found her and did cpr and although i got her heart to go again, it wasnt enough andnive a lot of guilt around that too. In the first 5 months after loosing her ‘family’ took over the only home id ever known and gave me 7 days to leave it so i had to find somewhere to live (which i managed and am so grateful to my landlords for taking a chance on me) but i still just feel stuck in that numbness. Sorry for watfling at you 
thank you for the link too, i have signed up to them. My nans 2nd anniversary is next Saturday
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I think also on Christmas Day people will be using the #JoinIn on X and Bluesky - it was something led by comedian Sarah Millican for many years, but she has stepped back so its up to the wider public to keep it going. Its basically for anyone who find Christmas difficult for whatever reason and just want to chat to others throughout the day.
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bravo. I work hard to engage with community and others, but after a long time of grieving. I have been successful. it has been a matter of getting dressed shaking hands and showing up. It works. for one day, our eyes close for the last time, too. takes time though. and effort.
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Thank you for the grief support link.
I lost my mum 21 weeks ago & I’ve had people say I’ve been low for so long now (since mum went into hospital in May) as if I should be over her. These are people who know how close I was to my mum. I moved back to be with her during covid to protect her & so she wouldn’t be lonely during lockdown. Then when she got sick last year I looked after her at home until we had to admit her to hospital for treatment. I got her home for her final month so she could die at home.
How am I supposed to get over her in 21 weeks?
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People who havent lost someone just have no idea @Anna_321, and even those who HAVE dont always get it - my friend lost her mum but because processed her grief differently to me she cant understand why i dont just copy her example. But we are all unique and our relationships with our loved ones are all unique. Me and my two siblings all grieve differently yet we’ve all lost the same Mum. 21 weeks is barely any time at all - i remember how incredibly raw everything still felt for me then You wont ever get over losing her, but eventually the hope is we start to remember our loved ones with more love than pain. Im not there yet and am barely hanging on over this festive period. You’re not alone - for me this site has been a huge support when close friends just dont get it. Hugs to you
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I am doing Xmas on my own this year and I am treating it like a Sunday. I will prepare dinner, always make for two and reheat day after. I will walk the dog and then settle down to some reading it a film.
It is just one day and we forget that and blow it up out of proportion. Feel free to private message me on the day if you want to chat some support. Sure there’ll be a few of us on our own.
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Thank you, thats an amazing way to look at it! And thank you for the offer to message too. That means a lot x
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