this is the first time I’ve posted in the community but felt the need to as struggling to know what is best to do. My mum died suddenly in an accident aged 65 in November 2022 having just received the all clear from Acute Myeloid Leuakemia 2 months before. I never got to say goodbye to her. We were extremely close and as my father is a deeply problematic human being who treated her terribly I have cut him out of my life. I don’t have any other family. My husband has a huge immediate family, both parents, two brothers and their partners and 4 children between them. It’s a lot. The past two years I have found spending any day with them all around the Christmas period to be too much. It’s overwhelming and I get exhausted with the pretending. I find it impossible to enjoy Christmas in a family setting still. Is it ok for me to sit out the day with all of his family? I’m happy to do Christmas Day just with his parents, but the rest is just too much for me. He hasn’t asked if I’m ok with that and has just assumed that that’s what we’re doing. Any advice would be really helpful, as I can already feel myself getting overwhelmed with it and wanting to hide in a room upstairs when the day comes. Really appreciate anyone’s help/advice. My mum loved Christmas and we had so many traditions together and it just isn’t the same without her.
You know what you feel. No-one else has any right to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. If it’s what you feel you need, then it’s the right thing to do. Is it possible that your husband doesn’t know how you feel? Perhaps he thinks it was a long time ago and you’re ‘over it’. But you’re not. Do you feel that you could explain it to him, just like you’ve explained it to us? Or maybe write it down and ask him to read it? I have every intention of turning down any invitations I get this year as I couldn’t bear to see people doing the whole jolly thing.
This does sound overwhelming for you and, as Yvonne suggested perhaps a chat with your husband about how tiring a full day can be. Perhaps he could compromise to allow you both to leave after a short time?
Thank you to both of you for reading this and for your advice. You’re right, I haven’t really communicated that it’s too much for me as I suppose I’ve expected him to know that it would be, which isn’t really fair. Hopefully if I have a conversation it might mean that there’s a compromise like your suggested. So few of my friends have experienced grief and it makes it quite hard to explain to people especially after 3 years. People expect you to be over it. Means a lot to have people responding who understand. Thank you
Xmas can be very full on and the fact is you just have to sit and explain to your hubby that one day will be enough because you want quality time with him the rest of the holiday.
He just assumes you’re ok but if you open up to him he will probably be very supportive and understand.
He can’t know how you feel if you don’t tell him and if you don’t then resentment can set in especially as you are missing your mum and that’s a rocky road to tread.
Hope it goes well for you.
