This is my 2nd Christmas without my June. I did what I wanted and felt good to do so. I told my sister that I was with my brother-in-law, and told him I was with my sister, told my friends I was with family – so everyone was happy I wasn’t on my own and it wasn’t their responsibility. I filled a flask, made a sandwich and went to Frinton. I was dressed for the weather and walked and talked with June. I felt at peace. I didn’t want to see anyone or worry them.
I managed to get through the day. I was dreading it, but I made it without having to pretend I was ok. I’m not
I tried to get to spend Christmas alone but did not succeed. It is difficult to pretend but I have two little grandsons so painted on a smile whilst screaming silently inside. It all just erupted when I got back home. This too is my second Christmas without my husband. The build up resulted in health issues yet again. I never look ahead but certainly lay in bed last night trying to work out how to escape all the festivities next year.
I lost Gary 7 weeks ago. We always spend Christmas at my sisters as a family. My mam cooks and there are normally anything between 13 to 19 people as mine and Gary’s family get together to celebrate as one big family. This year I said I wasn’t celebrating and wanted to be alone. Obviously Gary must have been the glue as all the family ended up having Christmas as individual households. Some went out and family arguments occurred. My sister had a row with my mam over the way I was grieving, not sure what was actually said but I know my mam is not happy with what she said. Since the funeral my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece have not even contacted me to check I’m ok, they all know I have had a breakdown and have been on the verge of ending my life, I’m in a deep dark hole I cannot get out of.
It’s not eay to do whag we want. Family and friends meanwell, but they don’t understand - and why should they. you have to be decisi e, no discussioj - you have to do what;s right for you. If they love you, they will want to accept whatyou tell them - tr and be strong, and look afte yourself,
Hard to hear that they were arguimg about how you’re grieving - and they let you know about it.
I know I made the right decision for me - and the white lie I told meant that everyone else was ok as they didn’t have to be concerned about me. phone calls yesterday was me just saying I was ok so now Christmas is done.
I did has a couple of insensite remarks from friends, but I chose to believe that they mean well (or were intoxicated) so have ignored them.
New year will be easier as we don’t really celebrate it, just another evening without my June