This is my first post and knowing how supportive Sue Ryder have been to us, I knew this was the place to come.
I lost my mum in November 2001 at 65, just 3 weeks before my birthday and Christmas which she loved and made so magical. My dad, we lost in January 2010 after just 11 weeks of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 13 weeks after my grandson was born. I miss them all year round, but especially now because I have such wonderful memories of happy Christmases growing up and then when grandchildren came along. There’s always a point on Christmas Day where I end up in tears and I feel so lost without them here; they should both be here, in their 80s (Mum 86 and Dad 88) enjoying me looking after their needs for them both, but they’re not!
I know they come to see me, I sense them, I get signs from them, but it isn’t the same and I just miss their love, their hugs, and most of all their laughter!
Hi JayneP,
I’m sorry for the loss of your parents and that they can’t physically be with you today.
This is the first Christmas without my lovely dad and I am missing him terribly. Dad passed away in November, 8 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. It’s devestating, he should be here with us enjoying the day. Everything feels wrong without him but we are making it nice for my nephew and trying to honour dad by taking care of each other and making the best of it.
I will be spending lots of time checking in here today as it helps to know I’m not alone.
Sending love.
Xx
Hi Jayne and Katherine
Sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in April and miss him so much. They say you learn to cope with the loss in time. Being on this site gives comfort. Love and Peace
Hi Katherine,
Thank you and sorry for the loss of your dad too, the firsts are always the worst and so close to Christmas makes it even harder.
I hope you managed to have a good day with your nephew and family, remembering past Christmases with your dad. Our first without my mum was filled with memories of her and we tried to make it a happy one for my dad (he stayed with us for Christmas), but of course there were tears after a couple of glasses of wine. But we made the best of it and of course of the next few without her. Dad died after spending his last Christmas surrounded by the love of his first great grandchild and he helped us all to concentrate on fun, not dwelling on what was to come. I swear he was sent for that very reason, because without him I dread to think how we would have been after dad left us.
xx
Hi Tahereh,
So sorry for your loss.
You do learn to cope, the anniversaries aren’t as sad and the hurt eases a little with each passing year. But there is always that huge gap where they should be…we learn to live without them.
As our wonderful Queen said, “Grief is the price we pay for loving someone” (or something like that!), and we all do it differently! Never let anyone dismiss yours or tell you how you should be doing it, no-one has the right to do that.
Hi Jayne
Thank you for your message. I did love my father so much. He has told me in a dream to a friend to carry on his work in teaching. I feel really lonely sometimes - My daughter is at university so am here on my own. My faith helps me a lot - When I am serving, following my purpose in life, it makes me happy. When Dad passed, I am struggling to find that purpose again. I was helping with DrugFam before, a charity that supports families who have a loved one in addiction or who are bereaved due to addiction. My father never touched alcohol or drugs. Its other family member who has issue. In his youth Dad had an amazing dream that the Bab (the prophet we follow) cured him of his depression and from then on, he never got depressed or needed anything for mental health. He was an amazing person loved by many. And he brought so much joy to people as a teacher. I would be so honoured to follow his legacy, but feel a bit lost at the moment. I am hoping it will get better with time. I would like my health back and not to be depressed. I am starting to find joy in things slowly. Little by little we can make it. I feel though I am living to please other people. All family members told me to get a job. But I really don’t like my job. I feel I have to keep the job to please other people as if this is the only job in the world. Have been for two weeks. I’ve had that kind of work before. I wish something good would happen. Have to keep praying. It is extra pressure when having to cope with anxiety and depression due to bereavement. I try to picture love and light to keep positive, and also walk, walk and walk.
Hi Jayne,
Thanks for your reply.
Its been tough losing dad when we did as Christmas was looming and then it’s dad’s birthday in January and mine and my mum’s in Feb, so lots of firsts all at once. I would have always found it this difficult losing dad but seeing people so happy and excited in the run up to the Christmas period felt like an out of body experience as I feel like my world is falling apart.
It has been nice to spend time with my nephew and dad would hate me to be sad. I cried a few times yesterday there were nice moments too. I know dad wants me to move forwards and he told me to not let bad thoughts enter my head. I thought I would feel his presence when he passed but I haven’t yet, some people have said maybe I haven’t been ready.
It’s very special that your dad had his last Christmas with his family and great grandchild.
I hope your Christmas day was as pleasant as it can be.
Sending best wishes.
Xx
Hi Tahereh,
I’m very sorry for the loss of your dad.
I also feel very lost at the moment and I have no idea what my life looks like without dad in it.
I have found that keeping busy provides some distraction for a while but the sadness and anger hits me at various points throughout the day.
Sending best wishes to you.
Xx
Hi Katherine
I had bereavement counselling when Dad passed. It is so recent your loss and my counsellor said it is normal to feel that way. Little by little time heals. We will always love them and my wish is that I could honour my Dad by living my best life. Please help me Dad. Dad somehow inspire me like you used to do when you were alive. Dad I love you.
Katherine, it is ok not to be ok. Wishing everyone here strength and happiness. That’s what our loved ones would want.
Love and Peace
Hi Tahereh,
Thank you for your reply. I hope time does heal. At the moment it feels like it never will.
I also want to continue to honour my dad and I know he would hate for me to be sad all of the time. Dad has always said how proud he was of me and I want to continue to live my life in a manner that I know would honour him.
I love and miss him so much.
Take care.
Xx
Hi Tahereh,
What you’re describing is grief, there is no written rule as to how long that grief goes on, it’s a very personal thing. I know it took well over a year for me to begin to enjoy life more and even then I felt guilty for laughing and finding joy in things. My grandson helped though, he made the down days so much more bearable, as he grew, a little bit of grief left us all, his smile lit up our lives and he was (still is) so much like my dad in looks and his ways that helped too.
I’m a single parent too (sorry if I’ve assumed too much, you don’t mention a husband or partner) so only myself and a handful of friends who were there for us, my eldest had left home to be with her now husband and grandson obviously, so me and my youngest daughter at home. She suffers badly with GAD anyway and I tried not to grieve in front of her to keep her from worrying about me; she had counselling via the hospice my dad died in (Sue Ryder, they were amazing) it may be worth asking local charities connected to what your dad died of about some kind of counselling. It really did help her and I know it did me when I was diagnosed with cancer myself almost 2 years ago.
Don’t live your life for others, live it for YOU! Why not look into retraining for something? I don’t know how old you are, but it’s never too late to learn new things and change direction. Work is awful if you don’t enjoy what you do and actually want to go into it every day! As for your religion, having read a little about it, I’m sure that your God wouldn’t want you to feel pressured into worshipping, it should be a pleasurable thing (I’m not religious in any way, so again, sorry if I got this wrong) something you feel is positive and relieving a burden, not a burden. Because you don’t have priests or leaders, you have no-one to go to for advice and help do you? So maybe find that local charity to talk to someone or volunteer at something a little less depressing than something you can relate to? Like the Salvation Army or local lunch club, library or children’s centre?
Walking our dogs was a huge help to me after Dad died, we walked for miles, in all weathers. I love nature and history, so discovering new birds or animals on walks or spotting buildings with some kind of historical connection to my life in general helped make life bearable. I took photos of things too.
I seem to have waffled on a bit! Sending lots of positive vibes your way and hoping that the coming weeks and months ease your grief a little more each day xx
Hello again Katherine,
Oh I relate to that so much; my birthday December 20th, then my youngest daughter’s January, eldest’ March, what would have been dads’ April…all the firsts come one after the other and you just feel like you’re getting somewhere when something else is a first. You go into autopilot don’t you? But you will get there, it’s extremely early days for you, just go with the flow. If you feel like a good cry, do it, whether your dad would hate it or not; grief is an awful thing to go through and if we didn’t;t love them so deeply it wouldn’t hurt as much to lose them.
I’m glad you managed to have a nice day and that sign from your dad will come when you least expect it. Don’t try too hard to look for it, it will happen out of the blue… I had a visit in a dream about 6 months after Dad died, it was nonsensical in a way, but I knew the minute I woke up that it had been a visit. I do ask for signs and sometimes get them on demand, others they just happen; on Christmas Eve we went for a walk in Haworth, as we left the car park a robin just appeared on a wall and stayed there bobbing away as we passed, then flew off. We both smiled and said “Merry Christmas” to the ether, our sign that my parents were there.
As I’ve said, just go with the flow, don’t hold back, even if you feel mad for shouting, crying, laughing, whatever, it all helps to get that hurt away. Maybe see if your local hospice does counselling or a local charity tied to whatever your dad died of, I know that it helped my daughter tremendously when Dad died; he was her surrogate dad (not literally!) because I was a single mum and both my girls made themselves ill with grief for my mum when she died, I didn’t want them like that after Dad too.
Our Christmas was lovely thanks, it helped that we had two children here!
Take care
xx
Hi Katherine
You will feel better Katherine and you will heal and will honour him. You know I have felt like that in the past and it always gets better. I feel like that now but remember the way I was helped in the past and that is comforting. After every sadness, there is happiness and your Dad will understand how you feel at the moment. Taking little steps helps. Be kind to yourself. Sending you lots of love
Hi Jayne
Thank you for your lovely message of support. Yes, walking does help me as well. Seeing my daughter also helps but I do worry alot about her, as she knows I’m not well. Our faith helps us and also we have a lovely cat and cuddles help. She is going to a teaching conference next week in London. I’m so glad she is keeping busy. I don’t want to share too much with her or my friends as I don’t think it’s fair on them. She has good university friends. I have a Bahai counsellor which helps alot and I am hoping to do an apprenticeship. My husband lives near us. We are separated. He needs a lot of support. My faith does encourage consultation with knowledgeable people to solve problems, but you are right it is not like priest, as the final decision is left to one’s conscience. We obey an administration. Yesterday I watched My Fair Lady with my daughter and enjoyed listening to Vic Damone “On the street where you live”. I have to be grateful for the little things.
Love and Peace
Hi Jayne
Just wanted to say yes I agree with you. We believe God wants us to serve with joy, and to sacrifice our time with joy. Life is there for happiness. Our view of sacrifice is giving something lower to get something higher, but to do it freely with a peaceful and happy heart. It is like a pupa becoming a butterfly.
Sending you lots of love
Hello again Tahereh,
I’m so glad you’re getting support from other places, it does help to talk to people who don’t really know you or your circumstances.
We watched Funny Girl for the umpteenth time yesterday, but thoroughly enjoyed it as always. My Fair Lady is another of our favourites (we’re huge Audrey Hepburn fans in this house, I went to the pictures with my mum to see My Fair Lady, it was our weekly treat.
Hi Jayne
Good to hear you enjoyed My Fair Lady.
Love and Peace and a Happy New Year