This is my first Christmas without my Philmore after almost 26 years and of course, I am sad and shed a few tears but I am better than I ever thought I would be. Maybe it helped me to accept the situation as it is or it is because I know and feel that my lovely Philmore is still around and helps me (no, I am not crazy).
I hope that everyone who is bereft will be surrounded by family and friends and that you all still feel that your loved ones are around to celebrate Christmas with you. You are not alone. Merry Christmas and sending love and hugs to all.
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This is such a positive post from you after those in the early days. Sure there will still be troughs ahead but at least you now seem to have some crests.
I will be alone at Christmas as family is too far away but expect some will ring me and neighbour bringing me Christmas dinner.
All I actually would like is a decent nights sleep then I feel I could cope so much better.
Have the best Christmas you can.
Xx
Sandra
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Yeh i still feel my husband with me too especially in our home … i feel he is still protecting me from that big bad world out there … but i have made some new dog walk friends and that’s good cos i like to talk to them, we are moving forward arent we … slowly or as they say - baby steps x
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A neighbour put that on my xmas card … have the best you can … bless her. People do understand i think - they just dont know what to say ! But shes lovely anyway - always waves when she sees me x
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@Annaessex i am so glad that you managed to cope so well yesterday, I wish I could say the same. It’s just over 21 weeks since I lost my soulmate of 35 years and despite being with family I had several weepy patches and having taken myself up to bed at just after 10pm I sobbed for two hours before eventually falling asleep. We have more family around today and still the tears are not far away. I will actually be glad to go home tomorrow and start to settle back to my new normality.
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@Annaessex i have been thinking of you at this difficult time of the year and was wondering how you have been coping. Grief is such a roller coaster with ups and downs with waves. Every day we are taking little steps into this unknown journey. We are all thinking of our love ones every day and missing them like crazy and loving them more than ever. You are right they are with us everyday guiding us. Take care and sending you strength and lots of love and hugs xx
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Totally agree with everything you just said hazel. I told my sister that tonight - its like a rollercoaster of emotions up and down, round and round and xmas etc just intensifies that … i haven’t missed my husband in the car recently but today when i went to visit my daughter all i could see was him not sitting there … it was like i was looking for him … i balled my eyes out ! I loved him being in the car with me… not felt like that for many , many months … searching for him 
On my facebook i have a poem :
My mind still talks to you
My heart still looks for you
But my soul knows you’re at peace
I miss you every single day
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@Deb5 @Annaessex @Hazel.1966 @Pudding I’m going home later today and will be glad to be back there. For me now Christmas is over, nothing more planned for the holiday season so I can get back to building my new normal. Someone posted this on my FB page and I thought it was lovely
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Aw … well that’s made me cry again ! I hope he is with me keeping an eye on me … i really do because i still need him to be looking after me … xx
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I haven’t been on here since just before my wife’s funeral in September. I thought I was doing ok, not good, but ok. That was beforeChristmas morning, waking up alone. I wanted to just not interact with anyone for two days but I had to go to my mother’s as we always had a good time there when Adina was here. It was just heartbreaking to see the empty spot where my beautiful wife should have been sitting. I held it together for the rest of the day and until 6pm Boxing Day until I broke down.Back at home I just sobbed and sobbed while saying “I miss you so much” over and over again It’s been 5 months now and the pain is as raw now as it was that horrible day in August .We had no kids except for our cats and dogs who have kept me putting one foot in front of the other these last five months. I want to go somewhere, anywhere there is no one and just scream”WHY?”
’
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Yep know the feeling ! I was same xmas morning - woke to see him not there and it was an awful feeling so sad … go somewhere and scream !! I found xmas took me right back to last year when he passed away - one week before xmas ;( take care xx
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@CliveH it’s been 5 months for me too and I’ve been away for Christmas, we always spent Christmas at home. I got home just after lunch today and have done nothing but cry ever since. I’ve told him off for leaving me, questioned over and over why he had to go. My eyes are sore and my head is aching, I don’t know what to do with myself. I thought I was moving forward but Christmas has just pushed me back to the start of this lonely journey again. I will be glad to see the back of this year. I don’t think the miserable wet weather is helping, I can’t even get out for a decent walk. Sorry, I’ll stop moaning now and wish you all some peace and joy in the coming months. It must surely get better
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@CliveH
I am completely the same my friend, i lost my Wife of 31 years Anna at the beginning of November & had been dreading Christmas as we always planned & done the whole Christmas thing together, tree & decorations up, sorting presents for the Children & Grandchildren, having family over for Christmas dinner. I knew it was going to be hard but wasn’t prepared for how difficult it was actually going to be.
I spent Christmas eve at my Daughter’s house but took my Wife s ashes with me for comfort, then Christmas morning we drove over to my Son’s to deliver gifts to the Grandchildren. My Daughter in law had arranged for us to do a little balloon release so we could send some messages of Love up to my Wife in heaven. This is where i struggled, i broke down, pretty badly to be honest, my eldest Granddaughter Norah who is only 6 done her level best to comfort me as i sobbed uncontrollably, luckily i was going back to my Daughter’s for lunch which was strange to adapt to because for 31 years we’d always had it at our home.
A few of hours after lunch i decided to let my Daughter & Son in Law have the rest of the evening to themselves, i took my Wife’s ashes back home & just sat there for the rest of the night crying & asking the same question over & over, " Why ?, Why ? , Why ? " . Not that I’ll ever get an answer to that question, ever.
I just feel so angry, lonely & robbed of happiness. My Anna was my whole World & she’s gone & never coming back. I sit & talk to her ashes for hours on end in the hope she can somehow hear me, i always say the exact same thing i said to her every night before bed hoping that she’ll be still feeling my Love. I cannot get to grips with Grief, it’s overwhelming me on almost a daily basis. I hate my life now my Anna has gone, nothing will ever have any point now she’s not here to share it with.
All i can do now is count down the next 12 months & feel the dread of Christmas all over again. 
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I know how your feeling I lost my partner 5 weeks ago to brain cancer. I never left him once since his diagnosis in September until he passed on 2nd December. Even though I knew it was going to happen and we said everything we needed to say it still totally broke me. I’m going to try go back to work soon to give me a purpose to get out of bed and get dressed. Life is so unfair but I’m trying to get through one day at a time sending hugs x
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@Debbie1966
I’m so desperately sorry to hear of the loss of your partner.
Cancer is such a devastating disease, it cruelly turns our loved ones into shadows of what they once were & then when it’s done all the damage it can do it steals them away from us too soon &
nothing can prepare us for the day they leave us when it comes. I too like you am completely broken.
I went back to work for 3 days a week a few weeks before Christmas as i decided i needed to be around people rather than be on my own & I’m glad i did, it helped me a lot.
I agree that Life is so unfair, i see couples together when I’m out & can’t help but feel robbed in some way that they still have each other but i don’t have my Anna anymore, i know that may seem bad but i can’t help feeling that way.
We had made so many plans for what we were going to do & where we were going to go when we retired, all in vain it turned out.
I have nothing to look forward to anymore now & the loneliness is so difficult to bear.
All we can do is take one day at a time & hope things get easier in time.
I hope returning to work goes well for you.
Love & Hugs xx
Derek 
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Thank you for your message I’m sure going back to work will help me get back into the world. It’s just taking that first step makes me anxious. I’m going to have a meet with my boss before I go back which is good. Like you we wanted to do so many things together as my children are grown and it was going to be our time. Nice holidays, weekends away even just sitting on sofa together watching a film. My heart is broken and my life feels empty. Love my children and grandchildren they are all amazing. I hope in time I can wake in the morning without feeling that dread of another day without him x Debbie
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@Debbie1966 i can definitely relate to you as I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly to kidney cancer at the age of 53 years old. No time to say how I felt and I love you, just ripped away from me. Like you our future plans and dreams have been robbed and worse of all my husband life. He worked so hard up till the day he died. I have met some lovely people on here who are a great support and has kept me going as my good friends don’t really understand though they are a great support. You are going in the right direction thinking about going back to work. I only do a few hours a week which what I needed. I’m so sorry that you are going through this as well and take one hour at a time. Take care and big hugs xx
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