Hi, I’m nearly at three years since losing my mum and 42 years since I lost my dad. I’m an only child and live alone and I’m finding this Christmas especially hard deal with. I have absolutely no interest in celebrating and I feel so envious of my friends excitedly gearing up for Christmas with their families. Is it just me that finds this time of year really hard to deal with? My grief just seems to be getting worse and I find myself having to cry alone at home and not in front of my friends as their patience for my grief expired a few months after my mum died and I feel they think I should be over it by now. I just can’t see an end to this unbearable torment 
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Hello NickyCB,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Christmas can be really hard when we are missing our loved ones. You might find our guide at You might find our coping with grief guide useful, Coping with grief at Christmas | Sue Ryder a help to look at.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care, Rhi
Hi, @NickyCB . I can only tell you how I approach Xmas. This will be my third on my own, and I live alone. One of the things I found which I hated on my first was that I felt that pressure from all directions kept telling me I HAD to do a traditional Xmas, like everybody else, and if I didn’t join in there was something wrong with me.
I just didn’t want to do Xmas without my wife, so I just didn’t!!!
My Niece told me " Your problem is that wherever you go, Penny won’t be there"
I still enjoy just watching other people and children enjoying themselves, apart from the endless Xmas carols on Tesco’s tannoy.
I still have a nice time on my own, walking with the dogs, chatting to passing strangers, then home for a turkey-free meal, although I always have a xmas pudding, plus a bottle of wine of course. Then I sit in the conservatory and spend a long time talking to my wife about my year and plans for next year.
I enjoy it, and I’m looking forward to it.
I guess my message is to do do just what YOU choose, and don’t get manipulated by friends and relatives (or the shops and TV adverts) into doing what they think you should, even though they are doing it in kindness.
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Hi NickyCB,
I lost my mum in late July this year & I’m dreading Christmas. My dad passed away 14 years ago the week before Christmas, so I always found it hard after that but now it feels way way worse. Even though I’m all grown up I feel lost & rootless being an orphan.
You’re right that even well meaning people have limited sympathy & after a few months expect you to be back to normal or don’t really want you to be truthful when they ask how you are. Wish someone came up with somewhere for people to go at Christmas, Mother’s day, Father’s Day etc to forget the day & cry if & when they want to.
I’m still crying bucket loads everyday & the pain of losing mum ant times feels unbearable.
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Hi @Anna_321 . I worried about Xmas, the first year, but suddenly realised that rather than accepting it as a problem, I was going to make it an opportunity to make new memories.
I have invitations to join friends or family to join them in their traditional dinners, with tinsel, turkey , party hats and puddings. But Penny wouldn’t be there, that would hurt, and why would I choose that!?
So Xmas day for me is different, and I make it special. I pack the dogs in the car and head for the hills, in my case the Peak District, and explore. If the weather is ok, I might take my flute, find a remote rock to sit on, and play her a tune or two. Penny comes with me in my heart, I talk to her all the time about our lives together, then off to a country pub for a pint and bag of crisps. It’s amazing how the Xmas spirit makes people really happy for a chat - I’m never lonely.
Then home for a non traditional meal. This year it will be an Indian banquet.
If we approach something akin to fear, that’s what we tend to get.
Good luck, however you spend it.
Hi Anna,
I completely empathise. There is something about being alone without your parents that feels overwhelming and frightening. If I had any siblings it might be better (although as I don’t I can’t say and I’m sure some people who do have siblings would disagree). I still cry every day, but despite that I feel I have to put a brave face on it for my friends (a couple of them aren’t especially great at handling emotion from others) and then they just assume I must be over it, so it’s my own fault really. I’m fearful that if they truly knew how I felt I would lose their friendship. I still feel as though getting through every day is a massive effort and if it wasn’t for my Mum’s two dogs, who I promised her I would look after, I wouldn’t have anything to get out of bed for. I’m scared that one day (probably in the not too distant future) I will lose the dogs too, and then feel as though I’ve lost my last link to my mum. Once they are gone I’ll cease to have any purpose and I can’t bear the thought of decades ahead of me on my own
@NickyCB . Please try and have more faith in your friends. You say " I feel they think I should be over it by now". Don’t take that as factual, please tell them how you really feel, you might be surprised!
I think the vast majority of us when (after a few months) our friends ask us how we are, and we say “I’m doing Fine”, even when we aren’t. So we shouldnt be really surprised if they react accordingly.
Hi @NickyCB. First of all I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your parents :(. It’s understandable regarding Christmas. I think what doesn’t help is the way Christmas is advertised ‘most wonderful time of the year etc’. When Christmas can be extremely sad for a lot of people. I lost my dear Grandad in Feb this year, and I’m not looking forward to Christmas. It will be hard 
tbh i just want to get it out the way, I know that sounds terrible but it will never be the same now Grandad isn’t with us.
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Unfortunately I know only too well that my friends would rather I put a fake smile on my face and not burden them with my grief as they’ve as good as said so!! I was told only last week that I’d be much more fun if I stopped ruminating on my grief. Sadly I can’t switch it off like a light switch and even though I’ve managed to hide my tears from them until now I can’t always keep it in when I see them excitedly making plans with their families for Christmas
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They are not true friends then are they? You are grieving and if they expect you to put on a fake smile then they don’t deserve your company
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It’s hard for those not going through this to understand. They just forget if you seem ok & if you don’t seem ok they don’t know what to do.
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