I seem to have reached a point where I have long periods of time feeling normal (for want of a better word!).
I’ve found myself enjoying life, usually the little things. It feels like such a long time since I felt this way.
Then I catch myself doing it and realise Paula is not there. I almost feel guilty (again, not sure this is the right word). I also find myself worrying I am, or will, forget her. Which I know isn’t happening because I think of her all the time, talk to her, can almost feel like she is with me.
I’ve no doubt this is all normal. It’s just been playing on my mind. There’s no one to say this too. I just need to clear my head of it.
Missing her a lot today.
10 Likes
Hi Twoflower I have had similar thoughts when I’ve been busy doing things and suddenly think to myself that I haven’t cried today. Obviously this starts off a bunch of thoughts which bring on the tears but in that moment you feel as if you are have failed your loved one. How can you forget to cry? I can imagine this becoming a common theme in the future as we hate breaking down in pain but when we aren’t doing so we will hate ourselves for not feeling enough.I can see a time when we are going to have to try and forgive ourselves.
Wishing you all the best
Tom 
4 Likes
Hi, I wouldn’t say I enjoy anything, even after nine months, following my lovely partner’s sudden death. I find that doing things ie the garden, housework, or going to the shopping centre a distraction. My sister visits me a couple of times a week and stays over. That breaks the loneliness some of the time. The respite doesn’t last long though. I hate being out and coming back to an empty house. Don’t worry you won’t forget your loved one. Take care.
3 Likes
In times like that, I remind myself that my husband would not want me to be sad
3 Likes
Hi, was thinking this earlier. Paula would be really upset if she could see how upset I was. I know she would only want the best for me and to be happy.
Sadly, it’s just not that easy.
And I imagine the same could be said for all those that have lost someone.
5 Likes
Hi. I feel like that too. I’ve just started back at work and come home to the emptiness alot of the time, no one to share my news with. I miss my partner, Graham, so much. I’ve been very sad these past few days. It’s coming up to the time we would be going away and I don’t know what to do with myself. I know he wouldn’t want me to be so sad, but it is easier said than done. LJ 
5 Likes
Hi, I know my husband wouldn’t want to see me feeling miserable, crying dozens of times a day and feeling horrible since he died. But it’s not a choice, it’s not having him with me that makes me so unhappy.
7 Likes
That’s exactly how I feel. No one else will do. That was our world. Sending you hugs LJ
6 Likes
Anita, i know how you feel,i feel the same, its not having my dear wife beside me that so breaks my heart and i find so painful.Coming back from work to the empty house too is so hard, i know i will never get used to it, she was always here to welcome me home and wave me off to work in a morning, now nothing.Its so hard this life, a life and ourselves that have changed forever.Even now after over a year i still cry most days sometimes more heavily than others, as you say we have no choice.We just have to cope the best we can.Take care.
6 Likes
Hi I miss my beautiful husband too, his smile and laughter, like Lucinda said. No one else will do.…
6 Likes
Hi Brummy, exactly, like @LJ.G no one else will do!! we are in pain because it is SO painful. Wishing you a good evening and a restful sleep!
4 Likes
Nothing or anyone would ever be able to replace my dear wife.I still keep asking WHY?i still have my faith but how its been so tested.Maybe its all part of what life is supposed to be?Hopefully one day we will have all our questions answered.Take care.
4 Likes
Anita it really is so painfull.Every day and night i tell my dear wife, “i am trying my best” but so often my best does not feel enough.That void, that emptyness i know will always be there, i try my best to think of happier memories but even those lovely memories bring tears.Its always the best people taken from us too, the most loving, caring , kindest people thats what i dont understand, so sudden and unexpected too no time to say goodbye.I hope you are ok in this heat?I didnt get much sleep last night.Take care.
4 Likes
I signed up for daily grief emails from my hometown funeral home. I thought today’s was very good. “Find an old, tall tree near your home. It might be in a city park or down a country lane. Look up into its branches. Start to think about what this tree has seen - the generations that have taken shelter under it from the sun, the children who have tried to climb it. Life rushes by, but this tree can symbolize for you generations of people who have been here, lived and loved, and moved on. Your loss is part of what this tree has seen, and like the new leaves in spring, you will eventually grow forward from this sorrow."
3 Likes
Hi brummy, my faith most certainly has been tested. Before my husband passed..he’d been sick for a long time. I prayed every single day for healing, but the good Lord called him home instead, of course in that moment I felt betrayed and hurt, ..but I know now it was God’s Will, he will call us all home when it is our time, and be reunited with our loved ones, and our questions will be answered. God bless you 
4 Likes
Lightmary68, thank you so much for your lovely kind message.i couldnt remember if your name was Lucy off the other thread?My dear wife had a rare blood disorder which was inherited from her grandfather.The day before she passed here at home she was very unwell, she hadnt been well for a while but it was all so sudden and unexpected.On the day before she passed i went into our kitchen and cried as i saw how unwell she was, i prayed to the Lord God to not let her suffer, hoping she would get better and God would heal her, but the next afternoon God “called her home”.Maybe he felt she had enough suffering?but its so broke my heart.I felt angry with God i know i shouldnt have but i did.its always the most loving, kindest people taken from us too.I know how you felt betrayed and hurt, i felt the same too.Thank you for your kindness and understanding.God bless you too.Take care.
3 Likes
Hi Brummy, am coping ok today, but crying almost every waking hour, calling on my husband, wondering how on earth coul he possibly die and how am I to stay around without him. We didn’t get a chance to say goodbye at all, he died suddenly. Hope you are OK in spite of the sadness. Wishing you a restful night and hopefully this heat wave will be over soon. Take care!!!
3 Likes
Hello, yes my name is Lucy, my husband called me Light. He said I was his Light, and Mary is my middle name. God bless you
3 Likes
Anita this is such a hard path we find ourselves on.I often wish we all lived nearer each other so we could give each other support but this site has been a Godsend to me.i have very little family, no children just me.My wife hasca disabled sister but mentally she is not ver good.I still cry alot Anita, even mornings now i have started being upset before going to work.Not being able to say godbye broke my heart.She was here one minute gone the next.Its so hot here, i work in a kitchen too, even with fans its like a furnace.I hope things willl get better for us, its such hard going what we are going through.I hope you are able to sleep ok.I too hope the heatwave will end soon.Take care.
3 Likes
oh Brummy…. working in a kitchen in this heat must be really tiring!!! Yes, not being able to say goodbye is what pains me the most
Hope you have a nicer day today. Take care!
2 Likes