My dad died three weeks ago.
Apparently his wishes were not to have a funeral but to be cremated and scattered on his land. Then everyone to get together to celebrate his life and have a party.
Due to family conflict i was unable to see my father before he was cremated and it has been made clear I am not welcome to attend this gathering, or the scattering of the ashes. So I feel like I have no closure on my dad’s passing, or no way to say goodbye.
Everyone tells me I need to find my own way to say goodbye but I’ve never lost someone and not attended some kind of funeral or service so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
Has anyone been in this position, how did you go about saying goodbye?
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Hi. @HZG . Really sad you are in this situation.
Could you not just go the site where his ashes were scattered and do your own thing? Just sit, think, and talk to him. Your own personal gathering, which would probably be far better anyway. Maybe take one or two personal friends for support.
You dont need to share your grief with anybody.
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Hello there,
I’m so sorry your father died and circumstances with family are difficult to get closure.
My father died about a year ago, in China, very suddenly from a heart attack. I wasn’t able to go to the funeral because of Covid travel restrictions.
It is very difficult without seeing my Dad or going to the funeral to have closure. I understand what it might be like for you.
Instead of the funeral, I did my own ritual. I framed a beautiful photo of Dad and lit some candles for him. It is simple, but something was better than nothing. You could add some soft music and, if religious, a prayer.
Some people make a shrine with flowers and meaningful ornaments.
I still talk to my Dad’s photo and still light candles whenever I miss him. It helps me feel connected to my Dad.
Whatever you choose to honour your father’s memory or ritual to have closure will be totally yours. You can even repeat it if it brings you comfort.
We are all here to support you.
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My own closure (whatever that means to us) was I went to the crematorium, having confirmed when the private cremation was taking place (no one present). I stood outside in the garden of remembrance with her two little dogs, leant against a tree, and we just talked about how we loved and missed her. Then I thought “that’s that then, I can no more for her” . So I went for breakfast with two of her best friends, and started my journey through my grief.
That was “my” closure.
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I wish I could but he lives about 10 hours away and his ashes are being scattered on his land behind his home so I’ll never be able to acess where his ashes are scattered.
I just keep thinking of stuff I could do but nothing feels right 
How about where you first met or where he proposed or where you married etc etc?
I dont think there is anything which will be right (or wrong). Its where your heart takes you.
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It was my dad I lost, not my partner.
I have been back to the pub we used to own bit it’s changed so much that I didn’t feel close to him like I thought I would.
Write down all the things you have thought of. Even if they don’t feel right, just keep all your ideas. This will help you find something that feels right.
That’s a good idea thankyou.
I’ve been writing down funny little memories that crop up when I think about him too.
My mum had a direct cremation which I was very pleased about at the time as I would have been tortured sitting through a funeral. Now afterwards I feel like she passed away and we all just opted for the easiest option. Everyone keeps telling me that it was what she wanted and while it was I have guilt.
We buried her ashes in the garden of remembrance at the crematorium so I go there quite a bit and just hang about the area they were buried or sit on the benches they have in various places there.
You could just choose a place he liked and go there to think of him?
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That’s really beautiful. It’s almost a ritual in itself to honour your Dad by writing down these lovely memories.
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