Im sat here watching the birds in the garden and crying. If i had gone first, not that much of Colins life would have changed, our friends would still be coming over for bike rides out. Being invited on holidays to Isle of Man. He wouldn’t have had to sell the caravan or his bike or downsized the car. The pain is worse than i have ever experience. His friends would have been here to help him through it as best they could but i was just the wife, i came with the package, and now the package has gone, It is so true. Friends become strangers and strangers become friends. I wish i had gone first.
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Different for me, Joan was the one with the friends, I was the one who was happy for us to be together with no one else, people used to visit us and we would visit other people but we didn’t need anyone else to be happy.
On our holdays in Greece Joan would be the one to strike up a conversation with others especially if they had children, she used to have a nursery and loved kids, I’m 15 months into this and her friends have gone, I have a few friends but her family, for the most part have failed me, like you I wish I had gone first.
Best wishes.
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The friends may still have wanted him to go on rides etc but don’t under estimate the effect it would have had on him if you went first , I used to do lots of things that I loved that didn’t involve my wife , football(& pub before /after once he was old enough ) with my son , gym , watching pretty much any sport etc , since she passed 2 months ago none of them give me any pleasure and I dont do most of them anymore as don’t see the point . What should have been such an amazing time , my son and i’s team won our league after years of hard times ( taken him since he was 4 and is now 23 ) it meant nothing , we went to the last game and had to leave when the celebrations started as really weren’t in the mood to pretend to be happy .
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Yes, that is probably true, but his friends would have around to see him regularly or called him with offers of bike rides or holidays in the van. Me zero phone calls, zero texts zilch, narda, Nicky who? I am heart broken being without Colin, salt in the wound comes to mind. Why not just a paint a big red cross on the door, leper.
I have a garage full of tools i have no idea what they are used for even though Colin showed me the basics and i used to watch him constantly, it fascinated me how he could build anything, create anything from a piece of wood and a few screws.
He was taken so fast. Drove to work the Monday morning, died in his van before he even got out of it. Undiagnosed heart condition. Never smoked, drank(well not much of the drinking) gym, bike riding, ate well, slim build. Why him and not one of his friends who have aged badly especially physically. Most of his friend could stand in for santa without the padding. I hate my life.
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I know what you mean, so many bad people in the world yet they take our beautiful , kind , do anything for anyone , loved ones .
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Gosh I’m in a very similar situation and so understand - I don’t know if that helps, but just wanted to let you know! I’m 7.5 months in to the sudden death of my husband and my world has collapsed - I’m going to try to find another life, but not sure how - good luck with everything and I’m sorry we’re both in this situation x
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Hi @nicky1961 I’m so sorry that people seem to have abandoned you. It’s so hard on our own. I have experienced similar. My husband’s family have not been in touch since he died two years ago. We were together for fifty years. Now nothing. It’s like I never existed. Some close friends have been there when needed. I do want things to improve but can’t see how at the moment. There will never be anyone else for me because I had the best. Also, I am in my early seventies and now too old to try and build a new relationship. I so wish it was me that had gone first. I hate my life too. You take care.X
Yes they do. My sister is very zoned into the (spirit world) as people put it. I wish i could believe there is something after and i am hoping for that very thing. I willadmir aomething now. I have considered …you know what and i have no doubt we have all thought of it at least once…oh ok several time. I am not Catholic but i have a worry that i would go to purgatory…not that it could be worse than this, but never to see his lovely face again in the here after is so sad to think. I thought it was the children that was holding me here…but it isn’t…its that. I do hope we can all find a little peace in this journey from hell.
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I understand what you are saying , I am living day to day , not trying to look to far into the future as the thought of 20 plus years without her is too much to bear . I am here for my kids and can’t put them through any more heartache , but one thing that gives me comfort when I am having really dark thoughts ( and this won’t work for everyone, plus I’m NOT saying I’m even thinking of acting on it ) is that I do have a choice if I carry on or not , there’s no rush though , stops me even thinking of doing anything impulsive , then usually the dark thoughts pass .
I do however now live life thinking I don’t give a s**t about things that don’t really in the grand scheme of things matter , sod conforming to what other people think .
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The same is true for me. I have that thought most days and also think, i have that choice, i can take that avenue or i can wait lets see what the day brings.
I have found that I have no filter anymore. I do not suffer fools gladly. People have said i have hardened up, i have too, i only have myself to think about now, and i do not take any c…p from people anymore. The easy life that was me as long as i had Colin by my side, i danced through life. Now, it feels like i am walking through mud. It takes effort now to put one foot in front of the other.
I clean…boy do i clean! The scientists could swab for anything…zero they would find. I am filling my time when i am not on the ward by gardening. I have gone down to 3 days a week at work. I work on a Teenage Cancer unit so working also in the environment is hard. It was hard when Colin was by my side, he was my cushion to the world. Mirrowed…sod conforming to what other people think.
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It is the emptiness of life without David, i have no purpose. I have family , my adult grandson lives with me but nothing can replace what i have lost. The future looks bleak and lonely, a barren landscape stretching for miles.
Hi Penny6,
Our son lived with us whilst saving for a deposit for his house, when Colin died, Simon was still with me, Now he has moved out, the house is soooo quiet. Every little noise i now hear. I keep myself busy when i am not at work, my garden has been a big help, i don’t know if you are a gardener but it has helped it really has. Please keep talking on this forum, we will all be here if you need to rant, scream, cry, we understand and we have open ears for however long you need it. This forum has helped me so much. I miss Colin every second, minute hour of the day, nothing my friends and family can say that i take as comfort but here, everyone knows so please keep talking. Sending victual hugs. Nicky
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Thank you so much Nicky, yes my grandson is not with me all the time, he goes to stay with his parents sometimes and when he is not here it is way too quiet and I hate it. I have the radio on a lot of the time just for background noise.
Yes I love gardening but it also makes me sad now as me and David spent a lot of time sitting in the garden together. My garden is quite small too so it doesn’t take a lot of looking after. I miss so many things, cooking nice meals and eating together we loved trying new recipes and shopping together. until they are gone you don’t realise how much of your life is linked to them…everything 
Now don’t call the men in white coats, but my heart bests differently. I know, sounds crazy, but it does. The joy he filled my heart with, went with him. The butterflies have gone that i have had as part of me since i met him. They would flutter more when i was on my way home because i knew i would be seeing him as soon as i pulled onto the drive…well they have gone too. It is bricks and morter i come back to now. I honestly think i am going round the pipe. I have music on in the back ground too, Spotify michael bublee station has all the music we liked and would sing and dance along to. The music does seem to bring him closer…i told you…men in white coats are knocking at my door.
I would be planting, Colin would be mowing…he never gave the grass chance to grow bless him…" grass needs cutting hun" he would say even though he had done it a few days before. He made me smile, he really did.
I know exactly what you mean, he would text me saying he was on his way and i would get the butterflies and keep looking out of the window till I saw his car pull up then go out to greet him. I so so miss those cuddles and kisses and spooning in bed., and gardening together every little thing I miss miss miss. I hope the men in white coats come and get me they might calm my heart and mind…see you in the asylum nicky. and yes music is a memory, sometimes makes me smile sometimes makes me cry X
I go to the kitchen to make a coffee and sometimes, not very often, i find myself shouting “coffee hun” . I can hear him bloody laughing now calling me a barmy cow. Reading what i have just written, i will save you a bed hun i think it won’t be long before they are knocking on my door. X