Coming home after being away awhile

My husband is gone for 15 months now. I have moved into a new home since then. Still every time I am away for awhile I return to that pain again when I walk through the door. My heart aches , and I truly wish I was not alive.

Dear Joyless.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing away. I lost my 24 year old son just over 3 months ago and know that only someone who has lost the dearest thing in their lives can only understand the pain myself and my family are going through. When our boy first passed it was like a horrific nightmare that we could not wake up from but the problem is now that everybody else is carrying on in their lives and expects us to do the same, but you and I know it is not that simple. Like you I will be ok for a while, distracted, go out for a while and then you come home or you just think about your loved one and it is like someone stabbing you in the heart all over again and you wonder if you can stand much more pain.
I know my son would want me to carry on, to look after myself and his little brother and sister but sometimes the desire to see him is so strong that I have to just take time for me and talk to him and have a really good cry. I know that I will see him again one day, when my time comes, and that will be a happy day.
Sorry this has been very rambling. I am on holiday at the moment and am finding the unfamiliar soroundings a bit unsettling.
Please take care of yourself

Dear Jan p -My heart breaks for you. The most relevant thing you said is that everyone else is carrying on in their lives and I cannot wake up from this horrific nightmare. I find the weekends to be like a torture chamber. I just do not know what to do anymore. Thanks for responding and try to take care.

Hi Sheila- It as if you have written my thoughts in your reply. Existence is the only word for life now. I too, spend most of my time inside and wait for the relief of sleep to get to the next day. I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. Thanks for responding -try to carry on.

Hi Joyless and Shelia
This is such an awful path we are all walking on, painful and lonely and one that none of us have chosen or can escape from. I do not think it matters how old you are or who you have the lost, pain and grief is all the same. When I read things on the site t is like people have seen inside my heart and are saying how `I think and feel, yet it is their feelings and thoughts too. It is so true that you can be in a room full of people and feel utterly alone and out of place, you pretend for others. Sometimes though it gets to much for me and I need to be alone, either to have a good cry or talk to my son and ask him why he has left me. When you are with other everything seems wrong somehow, nothing feels normal or right because someone is missing.
I am currently on holiday, it was meant to be our big family holiday with all our children and although it is good for my other two children to have a break from home, all i keep thinking is how many days it is till we go home to familiar surroundings as I feel complexly out of place here.
Take care of yourselves ladies

Dear Joyless, you have echoed my feelings exactly. We would have been married for 66 years in July but my husband died in June. I am fed up with people telling me it’s early days although they are right. I also wish I wasn’t alive, and every night I pray that I won’t wake up in the morning. But I do, and the pain gets worse every day. My lovely family are moving on, and I sometimes feel as if I am totally alone. Living alone after 66 years is awful, and I hope that I will somehow be with him again soon. I would never self-harm though, because of my family. Is there any relief from this dreadful place,

Dear Lonely,
Thank you for your reply to my message. This morning I have been riding around in buses just to escape the awful loneliness. I live in a retirement flat where pets are not allowed so I cannot even have a cat for company. It is the most miserable place, with no social life, just full of moaning old people who can only talk about their ailments. I hope to move sometime. I keep wondering what I can do to ease this terrible feeling but have yet to come up with an answer. All I know is that I have no desire to do anything, and I am convinced that what I feel right now is with me to stay. We were always together, and now when I see elderly couples out shopping or having lunch, I feel an urge to scream. For the first time in my life I am taking anti-depressants but wonder if this is a good idea, and how much worse would I feel without them.

Sheila-When I read your reply it rings so true. Your life seems to be the same as my life. The question is-is it a life? Your writing brings a sense of calm to me. I wish - well I don’t know what I wish-maybe for some hope?



Dear Virgo-If you ever find that place-please let me know. I have no answer for any of us and self harm would, as you say, destroy my family. I believe that is the only reason I keep on. Painful existence-not life.

Dear Virgo825
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved husband in June. It is not really very long ago since you lost him and I am afraid it is too early for you to be moving on, to be honest I do not think we will ever move on I think you must just learn to adjust to you new life and learn how to deal with the pain. People who have lost children as I have had told me that you probably begin to feel normal after about 2 years. I must admit that when I heard this I thought to myself that I could not live with this pain for 2 years but apparently it is a granule process. In the first few weeks after my sons death I would have quite happily have just laid down and gone to be with him, and I still feel like that quite a lot of the time, but I have a husband and 2 other children who miss their brother so much and who need me to get them through it. This life is hard, we are now different and cannot go back to who we were before.
One day at a time, thats how we must live. Get up everyday, do things then go back to sleep. I want to make my son proud, as proud as he made me.
Your husband sounds an amazing man and it sounds like you had such a happy marriage full of amazing memories, I pray that you can find strength from the wonderful life you had together.

Dear Janet
Thank you for your reply to my story. Yes, my husband was an amazing man. He was given six hours at most after his accident but he fought for three weeks. We all thought he was on the mend but it wasn’t to be. I don’t want to live without him but we have a lovely family of two sons, two daughters, fourteen grandchildren and six great-grandchildren so how could I do such a terrible thing to them as take my own life. Of course I couldn’t but the feeling to want to be with him is very overwhelming at times. I am going to seek help next week as I feel I need it. I have never before been in such a dreadful, dark place. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. I wish that there was some kind of magic to take away the pain. Eileen

Dear Eileen
Thank you for your reply. It sounds like you have a really large and lovely family, they must all be missing your husband too. It’s funny how you can be surrounded by son many people that love and care for you but the only one you really want is the one you cannot have, I feel the same about my son. I would give my last breath just to see him again, but I know this sort of talk would make him so cross as he would be concerned for his little brother and sister, but at the moment it is all about him and I cannot change that.
I am glad you are seeking some help. I have been having counselling for quite a few weeks now from a local berevment charity and I have a truely wonderful lady come to see me for about an hour every week. It is good to talk and cry and say whatever I want without fear of upsetting someone else and we talk about my son so much which is lovely, just to speak about him. I do hope you can find someone to chat to about your amazing husband and all you had together.
Do take care

Dear Janet,
Thank you so much for your lovely response. I have just come home from one of my son’s where I had dinner. As soon as I walked in my front door, the grief hit me like a cricket bat. Why isn’t my husband sitting in his armchair waiting for me? On came the waterworks and I wanted to see him so desperately. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a son or daughter. I definitely need help as, more and more, I just want to go and be with him, and it worries me. A visit to my GP tomorrow I think. Glad that counselling is helping you. It is very difficult to break down in front of family as they are grieving too.
Best wishes